Childhood 101: School survival

Yesterday I read a post over at Michael Perkins' blog 'Untitled' in which he gave his son advice about starting kindergarten. If you haven't read it yet, why not head over and give it a read and a chuckle? Of course, while I was there I had to give his son some advice of my own. I'm a giver, you know. Then last night, I saw that Bridget's One Word at a Time Carnival topic for today is 'children.' Putting two and two together and getting five, I decided to broaden my advice to children going back to school. No, it's not idea stealing. It's creative borrowing.

Parents, why don't you head over to Bridget's blog and read some of the lovely posts about children you'll find there. No really. Just leave the kids with me. I've got this covered. Skeedaddle.

Are they gone?

Okay kids, let's get started. I'm sure your parents have given you all kinds of advice about school and what you should and shouldn't do. Well, I'm sure that's all well and good, but I'm here to give you the advice you'll want. The kind that will actually help you survive and thrive in elementary school. Why? Because I care.

If you do a project in class that uses glitter, make sure to bring some glitter home for Mommy. Moms love glitter. Feel free to spread it around so she can keep finding it.

Make sure you work on your drawing skills so that when back-to-school night comes around, everyone will know that that's a picture of your Daddy in his tighty whities watering the front lawn. Remember, neatness counts!

Boys, chicks dig guys with cool hair. Paste can be used if you've forgotten to put gel in your hair in the morning.

Girls, cooties ARE real. Don't believe anyone who tells you differently. And yes, boys are the ones who have them. The only way to avoid getting them is to yell "COOTIES!" as loud as you can while pointing at the offending boy. If you do get infected, Cootie Spray is very effective in getting rid of them. Go for the Bubble Gum scented and you can't go wrong.

Don't let this get around, but smooshed Twinkies and Ding Dongs are actually yummy. So while everyone around you is getting grossed out by them, you should simply collect the offending snack cakes and put them away for yourself for later. Total snack cake score there!

Girls, if your mom tells you that you don't need to wear shorts under your skirt or dress, smile politely then secretly go put some on anyway. Trust me when I tell you that you don't want to go through your day hearing, "I see London, I see France..."

Boys, it's never too early to start getting ready for your future career as an entomologist. Feel free to start collecting as many bug specimens as you can and bring them in to class. Of course, your teacher will want to see them, so leave them on her desk for her. And no, don't put them in a box. Bugs like to run free.

If you ride the bus home, try to sit in the bus driver's blind spot. Open up your window, then pull out the bubble liquid you snuck into your backpack. Load up the wand and then hang it out the window while the bus is moving. Yup, you'll get all the bubbles and none of the headaches from all the blowing.

Okay, that's going to be all for now. Wouldn't want to overload any young minds. Now kids, your parents are probably going to ask you what I taught you today. Just tell them that I said, "Stay in school and don't do drugs." The rest can just be our little secret. *wink and nod*

Childhood 101 - Revenge of the babysat

So I've been doing the Parenting 101 posts for a little while now, but there has been a cry from the desert. More of a whine actually. Kids are feeling underrepresented, as noted in the following email I received:

Dear Wendy, Keeper of All Knowledge,

I'm a kid and I feel underrepresented. Why do you only impart your wisdom to adults? We, the young and disenfranchised, need guidance, too. How are we to live out our childhood to the fullest without your mentoring? Please help us!

Signed,
Young and In Need of Revenge Guidance

Well, Young and In Need of Revenge Guidance, you've come to the right place. I'll start off with a biggie...

Getting Your Own Way

Crying, whining, throwing yourself on the floor having a tantrum - all of these are common ways kids will try to get their own way. But do you want to be like every other kid in Walmart? Or do you want to up your game?

You need to go for a drag. Lay on the floor and grab the shopping cart, then scream bloody murder while your parent drags you around the store. It takes years for parents to figure out a defense for this one. You'll have years of getting whatever you want using this tactic. But what happens when the magic wears off and your parent starts ignoring this behavior? Keep doing it, because someone is bound to call Child Protective Services on your parents, and as everyone knows, CPS has the best lollipops and hot chocolate. Either way, you win.