Thursday, December 31, 2009

To Blave: A guest post by Miracle Max

Wendy can't write her blog post today because she's been mostly dead for a while now. Don't worry. I gave her a miracle pill and she'll be fine. She just needs to wait at least an hour before writing.

When Wendy asked me to do a guest post about love, I thought sure. I mean, who knows more about love than me, right? And it really is true - there's nothing better than true love besides a nice mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich. Or cough drops. Or chocolate. But besides those things, love is right up there

Don't roll your eyes at me, witch!

Really Max? You're gonna go there again?

Fine. People, this is my wife, Valerie. Valerie, this is people. Happy now?

Overjoyed. So what do you think you can tell these people about love?

Hey, I've been married to you for more than 80 years, I should know something.

Don't make me roll my eyes at you again.

Do ya mind? I'm trying to write a post here.

Don't let me stop you.

Now, where was I? Oh yeah, love. You think love happens every day? Hah? Okay, yeah, it does. What? You were expecting something different? Look around. People everywhere are loving each other. Sure, there are other not-so-nice feelings going on out there, too, but love is all over the place.

The real question is why we love.

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret here: We wouldn't be able to love unless we had been loved first. It was a gift that was given us. A miracle if you will. And believe you me, I know miracles.

That was really nice, Max.

Thank you, Valerie. I do what I can.

I love you, Max.

I love you, too, Valerie.

Want to see what other people have to say about love? Then take a look-see at the One Word at a Time blog carnival. There's love all over the place there. Miraculous.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Life is Funny - Family traditions


It's the last Life is Funny blog carnival of the year! Are you going to play? Sign up below with Mr. Linky to join the frivolity.

Christmas is a time for families to gather together and enjoy traditions passed down through the years. My family doesn't really have a lot of traditions, and most of the ones we do have are new additions for us. But there is one tradition that has stood the test of time and was upheld, once again, at my house: The losing of the gifts. What? You don't practice this in your family? Well, it goes way back in my family. Gifts are put into hiding places for safe-keeping until Christmas, but then they mysteriously disappear before being recovered. Part of the magic of Christmas, I guess.

I remember my parents losing gifts when I was a kid, only to find them months after Christmas. Some gifts are never found again, even after packing up a house and moving. Perhaps they end up in the land of the lost socks. But every year it happens. I've tried to get around this family tradition by claiming one of the closets in my house as the gift closet, yet the outcome is still the same. Fortunately for me, this year it was only stocking stuffers that fell into the void. I guess it's kind of lucky for my husband this year since the stocking stuffers in question included coal for his stocking. It just baffles me though. I shouldn't be surprised when gifts turn up missing anymore, yet it gets to me every year. Where do these things go? I just don't know. On the upside, by the time I finally find this year's missing gifts, the coal could turn to diamonds...

Thursday, December 24, 2009

For unto us a child is born

Merry Christmas!!! I hope that you and your loved ones have a blessed Christmas that is full of hope and joy. This Christmas season was made even more special for me a couple of weeks ago when my precious daughter asked Jesus into her heart. There are no words to fully describe my joy! My cup overflows.




May the reason for the season fill your hearts to overflowing, too!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Life is Funny - Sneaky little tree elves


Once again, it's time for the Life is Funny blog carnival! Woo-hoo! Feel free to join in and sign up with Mr. Linky below. Mr. Linky loves the attention.

Last week I started the tale of the Charlie Brown Christmas tree. If you haven't read it, go on back now and take a peek. We'll wait.

Done yet? No?

How about now?


Finally. So, the covert decorating operation continued. We added bell garland and snowflake ornaments.


We ran into a little trouble when we tried to hang the snowflakes - the hanging loops weren't so much loops as knotted up pieces of glitter-covered string that wasn't about to hang on anything. My daughter was trying to just lay the snowflakes on the branches when I had to stop her by yelling, "AAAAAA!!! Abort mission! Abort mission!" Then there was much running around and craziness comparable to modern day Keystone Cops. Good times.

After adding new loops to the snowflakes, those were put on again. A few days later we added plastic candy canes.



Isn't my daughter's hat lovely? I put it together for crazy hat day at school. Anyway, back to the tree. We had a good amount of wind here one day, and as I drove by the tree, I saw that some of the decorations had fallen down. Not wanting to stop and fix it in the middle of the day, I drove on by. The next morning when we went to fix it, someone else had beaten us to it! I have no idea who joined us in our little tree caper, but found it funny that someone else has gotten involved now.

It looks like our tree adventures are done for the year now. Why? Because I'm out of ornaments. It's tempting to go out and get more, but I don't know that my wallet or the little tree could handle much more right now. It sure has been fun though! I hope my daughter keeps this as a fun memory. I think she's had a good time being a sneaky little elf.


Okay, as promised, now it's your turn! Go on. You know you want to join in. It'll be fun!

Saturday, December 19, 2009

He's an angry elf

It's Saturday Silliness time here at Weight...What? So for your viewing pleasure, I present you with a clip from Elf. If you haven't seen this movie before (not mentioning any names, Sarah), I highly recommend it.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Twitter! Twitter! Twitter!


It's Twitter H0-down time people! Did you know that you can join in on the fun? Head over to Fellowship of the Traveling Smarty Pants and sign up! C'mon, you can do it! And now, let the revelry begin!

The one-liners

@makeadiff21 Sorry, I only use my powers for good. *snort*

@sarahmsalter What would your grandmother say about you watching an R rated movie? Shameful! Next thing you know it'll be colored undies.

@sarahmsalter You never let me punch anyone in the neck anymore.

Okay, time for me to hit the hay, too. That'll teach it.

RT @Brian_Russell Someone's excited about Christmas! // Oh. My. Google.


The Twitter Ho-down Mr. Linky is up! TWSS.

Merry Christmas, twitter. From my family to yours. (RT @thedayhascome)


A little bit longer ones

weightwhat I'm here. No, no. Don't applaud. Just throw money.

sarahmsalter @weightwhat You don't ask for much, do you?

weightwhat @sarahmsalter No, I don't. I'm very humble that way.

weightwhat @Helenatrandom - Why weren't we invited to join in on this?

Helenatrandom @weightwhat Yeah...You know how many parties I've gone too where they refuse to play that song because they know I'll start spanking myself?

weightwhat @sarahmsalter Was someone being a shameless hussy again?

sarahmsalter @weightwhat What's the definition of shameless hussy again?

weightwhat @sarahmsalter A girl who wears colored underwear, of course. And dyes her hair.

SBeeCreations Good morning. Dropped the kiddo off to school. Hands are freezing. About to trek off to work.

weightwhat @SBeeCreations If only they made something to keep your hands warm... If they came up with something, they could call them gloves.

makeadiff21 @weightwhat A new gift idea :)

weightwhat @makeadiff21 That would make my life complete. TWSS.


sarahmsalter @br8kthru Don't make assumptions. You know what happens when you assume...

br8kthru @sarahmsalter I get very gassy, but how did you know that?

weightwhat @br8kthru Asking people to pull your finger constantly might have been a clue.

Helenatrandom @weightwhat Remember when I was lamenting the lack of skanky male ho's on twitter (as a joke). Well....Guess who (or what) is following me

weightwhat @Helenatrandom Oh Helen, you're so lucky! How did you become a skanky man-ho magnet?

The ones that are even longer

marni71 @weightwhat @billycoffey Um, yeah. There is doll furniture on there that cost more than my regular furniture. WTFrak?

billycoffey @marni71 You get extra points for saying frack.

marni71 @billycoffey It's a @PuriChristos -ism. I hope I don't have to pay him royalties for that.

weightwhat @marni71 But he clearly stole it from Battlestar Galactica. Crap. I wasn't going to admit to knowing that...

beckfromfrogandtoad Just one of the reasons I'm glad the Baby is taking a pass on Pre-K this year - kid gets stuck in the bathroom 10 times a day.

weightwhat @beckfromfrogandtoad Well, there's one way to get some mommy time in.

beckfromfrogandtoad @weightwhat I have to run to the bathroom multiple times a day to let her out.

weightwhat @beckfromfrogandtoad Eh, run/walk slowly after taking a nap - potato/potahto.

And the ‘why don’t you just post the whole conversation’ ones

sarahmsalter @BridgetChumbley You could probably finish online, if you place your orders today. Or do what I'm doing. Go to Walmart & get 'em gift cards.

weightwhat @sarahmsalter Do you hate them?

weightwhat @sarahmsalter But Walmart? Wouldn't it just be easier to slap him?

billycoffey @weightwhat Don't be hatin' on Walmart, Wendy.

weightwhat @billycoffey Walmart is the devil, Billy.

billycoffey @weightwhat Maybe, but where do you think I got most of my blog posts and half of a book?

weightwhat @billycoffey I didn't know your book was in the horror category...

weightwhat Okay, who's up? TWSS

BridgetChumbley @weightwhat It is awesome that you even TWS* yourself, Wendy. How are you feeling?

weightwhat @BridgetChumbley And I have to TWSS myself. What if no one else showed up to do it? That would be tragic.

BridgetChumbley @weightwhat Breathing is about all I'm doing... feel awful! And yes it would be tragic if we all missed the opportunity... hehe

weightwhat @BridgetChumbley If a TWSS falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it...

weightwhat Okay, could someone please entertain me now? And peel me a grape while you're at it?

br8kthru @weightwhat ok, I'm late to the entertaining request, but I'm doing a dance under my desk. No need to thank me!

weightwhat @br8kthru Why under your desk? Afraid people might start sticking dollar bills in your pants if you're on top of the desk?

SBeeCreations @br8kthru in a dancing mood today? there are some folks around here who could use some amusement/ cheering up

weightwhat @SBeeCreations Yeah @br8kthru! Take it off! Take it off! AAAAA!!! Put it back on!!!

br8kthru @SBeeCreations @weightwhat Hey, I'll have you know that in a dimly lit room, I have been told I am very attractive. So there!

weightwhat @br8kthru It was so nice of your mother to tell you that!

So there you have it. Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Guest commenters wanted

It's that time of year again! Time for the possible onslaught of gifts you never dreamed possible. And by that, I mean the truly tacky and/or thoughtless gifts given to you by people who claim to be your friends or family members. C'mon, we've all gotten them.

One of my all-time favorite tacky gifts came from my grandma. With grandma's gifts, you just learned to put on that fake smile and say thank you. But this year was above and beyond her usual gift giving skills. She got my sister and me polyester mumuus. Oh, they were fanciful. I can't remember if I was in junior high or high school at the time, but clearly they were meant for someone over 70 on their way to a vacation in Boca. Luckily for me, I'm all about the tacky. So I took my mumuus, and those of my sister who was more than happy to be rid of them, and put them into my costume box. And yes, I have worn one. In public. Fear me.

So, what have you gotten for Christmas that's been, um, memorable? I'm inviting my tens of readers to take over my comment section to share/purge/find a happy place and tell the rest of us about the oh-so-special gifts you've gotten over the years. Remember, laughter is theraputic. And we're not laughing at you, we're laughing with you. Okay, maybe we're kinda laughing at you...

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

No, I still don't want your Kool Aid.


Okay, I'll fess up right off the bat. This is a repost. There. I feel so much better. But why am I doing a repost? Because I'm too darn lazy to come up with anything new it fits the guidelines for Bridget's One Word at a Time Carnival. The word for this week's carnival? "Church." So without further ado...

Back when we lived in California, we were trying to find a new church home. We went to a few different churches, but none of them seemed to be a fit for us. But we kept on trying.

Until one Sunday anyway.

That particular Sunday we went to a church that one of our neighbor families went to. They seemed pretty normal, so what could go wrong?


The service started out in a normal fashion. There was worship music, announcements and such. But then the pastor came out to give the sermon... The topic? "Prepare to die well."

Um, what?

Yeah. We sat there and wondered what we had gotten ourselves into.

But it didn't end there.

After the sermon, the pastor announced that they would be having communion. My husband and I looked at each other wide-eyed and I said, "Don't drink the Kool Aid!" Let me tell ya, we high-tailed it out of there right away.

After that, we decided that our old church wasn't so bad...

Monday, December 14, 2009

Life is Funny - The Charlie Brown Tree


It's time for more Life is Funny! Do you have something to share? I think you do! Sign up below with Mr. Linky. C'mon, show the poor guy some love.

Christmas, the time for mischief. No, I'm not confusing it with Halloween. It's the perfect time because you can blame it on the elves. What's making it extra fun this year is getting my daughter involved in the shenanigans. My husband just shakes his head at us. So, just what kind of high jinks are we up to? Let's just say it involves a tree in our neighbor's yard...


Kinda looks like a sad little Charlie Brown tree, doesn't it? It sits right on the edge of the neighbor's property and it's the first thing you see when turning on to our road. They just planted it this year, so it's still on the small side. It was fun to see their pathetic attempt addition of ornaments to the little tree for Christmas. But not being able to leave well enough alone, I decided that the tree needed a bit of sprucing up. Get it? Sprucing? Nevermind. Anyway, I got my daughter involved and she's beside herself with excitement over our stealth mission to add more decorations a little at a time without getting caught.


We went over to the dollar store and picked up a bunch of stuff, then let the tomfoolery begin! We started out with the tree topper. It was a bit heavy for that tiny little top branch, so I had to go back another day and tie a stick on to stabilize it. With red ribbon, of course. The tree also boasts new garland. I'll post more pictures in posts to come. But a little at a time is working out nicely. I wonder what the neighbors think...

Did I mention that we barely know our neighbors? It's true. We live on a cul-de-sac of 7 houses, and no one really knows each other. I've gotten to know one of the neighbors a bit because we used to go to the bus stop together, but the rest? Yeah, no idea. I can't even remember the names of the people whose tree we're decorating. I used to know their names. Maybe it'll come back to me. Anyway, I'm thinking they have no clue who could be doing this to their tree. Which makes it kinda fun. I hope they're enjoying it as much as we are. If not, eh. They have no idea who to blame.

Okay, now it's your turn! What would you like to share?

Saturday, December 12, 2009

I triple dog dare ya!

Happy Saturday all! Are you ready for some Silliness? I thought you might be. So for your viewing pleasure, I present a Christmas classic...

Thursday, December 10, 2009



Have a seat. This could take a while...

The one-liners

When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm out and smack'em in the head (RT @treymorgan)

Just got done decorating the Christmas tree. Another family tradition down - everyone must be in a bad mood by the time the tree is done.

@Helenatrandom doesn't have a bar, she has a very large medicine cabinet.

I know Jesus was a carpenter but to consider "We've Only Just Begun" a Christmas song is just plain silly. (RT @MrBigFists)

My Doctor has told me I'm paranoid, I wonder who else he's told?!? (RT @comedyclipsblog)

Can't seem to get my act together today. Still haven't gotten my blog carnival going. Maybe I need some Monkey Muffins.

One thing I've learned from being married is to always smell the bath towel before wiping your face on it. (RT @ SuburbanTurmoil)

I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if @br8kthru & @sarahmsalter's voices suddenly cried out in blame and were suddenly silenced...

@charliewetzel The three words that best describe you, are, and I quote: "Stink. Stank. Stunk."

@sarahmsalter There are two types of people in the world; those who like Neil Diamond and those who don't. #whataboutbob

@br8kthru Hey, it's not every day that @sarahmsalter talks about wieners.

Never question a woman in the depths of a Midol binge. (RT @thedayhascome)

Despite all the controversy, Tiger just picked up 1 more sponsor. This year on the tour he will be keeping his clubs in a bag by Massengill. (RT @MrBigFists)

I read this old post by @stacyasmallSFL today and almost passed a brick. *snort*

@PamperingBeki No, you were only mostly dead. All dead and I would have gone through your pockets looking for loose change.

Bipolar bear doesn't know how he feels about winter weather. (RT @thedayhascome)

Okay, time for me to go get dressed now. Yup, a good day ruined.

My dad called and asked what 'TWSS' meant. I wasn't expecting to have to have that talk until he was older. - Yes, it's that cold.


Don we now our gay apparel... Do you think this feather boa is too much?

Know what sounds good all of a sudden? Swedish pancakes. No Belgium, I don't want your waffles right now.

It's ok if you disagree with me. I can't force you to be right. (RT @SarcasmSociety)

@sarahmsalter What do you have against dates? What did the oblong, edible fruit of a palm ever do to you?

Apathy is a dish best served at whatever temperature. (RT @TheUserPool)

A little bit longer ones

SBeeCreations @weightwhat when are you posting the TwitterHodown? I don't want to miss it.

weightwhat @SBeeCreations It's been up since last night. TWSS.

br8kthru@weightwhat dang, someone needs to go see a Dr. then...

makeadiff21 @weightwhat Where have you been all day!? You missed a lot.

weightwhat @makeadiff21 I've been running errands all morning and now I'm suffering from malnutweetion.

weightwhat @sarahmsalter I still need to take a picture of my leg lamp as proof for @WinLiannefield. Why she thinks I wouldn't have one is beyond me.

sarahmsalter @weightwhat She must not know you very well...

weightwhat @WinLiannefield - Okay, here's your photographic proof!


sarahmsalter Walking the dog in cold rain... I can think of better things to do on a Fri night. Read in front of a fireplace w/ a mug of hot cider maybe.

weightwhat @sarahmsalter Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

heartcures @weightwhat LOL! So have you been a mess your entire life or did it just start more recently?

weightwhat @heartcures Me? A mess? I don't know what you mean. I'm just as normal as the rest of my family. *twitch*

spiffytiffy3 Oh, and FYI - the hubby is home til tomorrow afternoon. If you don't see me on Twitter for the next 36 hours, you'll know why...

weightwhat @spiffytiffy3 Boom chicka bowwow...

sarahmsalter My favorite Christmas movie just came on AMC. White Christmas. I know what I'm doing for the rest of the evening!

weightwhat @sarahmsalter Looking for when A Christmas Story will be playing?

sarahmsalter I'm making Monkey Muffins! :-)

weightwhat @sarahmsalter I hope you wash your hands after touching those monkey muffins...

mylestones UPS Label on gift that came today said "Do not deliver to an intoxicated person." Proud to say I was deemed worthy to sign for the package.

weightwhat @mylestones Wow, where do I get those labels?

DaleChumbley My First Home (one I was born in)

weightwhat @DaleChumbley Huh. I was expecting something more cave-like.

katdish @br8kthru @sarahmsalter @weightwhat @redclaydiaries I don't even want to know what y'all are talking about...

katdish @sarahmsalter @br8kthru Well, best I can figure, @weightwhat broke spades w/some kind of bodily function tweet. Am I right?

weightwhat @katdish Me? I would never!

The ones that are even longer

weightwhat Boxed macaroni and cheese. The dinner of champions.

Helenatrandom @weightwhat Then were does that put Ragu and pasta?

weightwhat @Helenatrandom What are ya, an overachiever?

Helenatrandom @weightwhat Adding a jar of Ragu to boiled noodle is overachieving. Oh my. I must be careful not to strain myself...

weightwhat @Helenatrandom Pace yourself, Helen!

And the ‘why don’t you just post the whole conversation’ ones

br8kthru @sarahmsalter Come on & cry, cry baby...

weightwhat @br8kthru Oh sure, now you're calling her baby? I see how you are.

br8kthru @weightwhat Yes, I'm ranking up there w/ Tiger Woods about now...

weightwhat @br8kthru Going to grab my golf club now...

br8kthru @weightwhat you coming to rescue me from my twitter crash?

weightwhat @br8kthru Uh, yeah. Rescue.

weightwhat @br8kthru Captain Obvious said what?

br8kthru @weightwhat is this like the "moron says 'what'" joke? 'Cuz I ain't fallin' for it!

weightwhat @br8kthru So now you're a moron?

sarahmsalter @weightwhat No. @br8kthru isn't a moron. He's special.

weightwhat @sarahmsalter That explains so much...

br8kthru @weightwhat how could you ask me that?

weightwhat @br8kthru Can't figure out the answer?

weightwhat Back from the bus stop! The temperature dropped. It's now 19° here. Weird, huh?

br8kthru @weightwhat really? It's 29° here. Not to rub it in your face, of course. (nanny nanny boo boo)

weightwhat @br8kthru Are you in your shorts and flip flops?

br8kthru @weightwhat No, last time I showed up to work in those they sent me home. Might have been the belly shirt though...

weightwhat @br8kthru You probably would have been okay with the belly shirt if you hadn't gone and pierced your belly button. Too flashy.

br8kthru @weightwhat Sure, not to mention the tramp stamp tattooed on my back.

weightwhat @br8kthru I told you that tramp stamp wouldn't be a good idea, but did you listen to me? Nooooo!

redclaydiaries Dangit. Two batches of fudge & I've hit a wall. I hate being sick. Trying to force out a blog post before I collapse.

weightwhat @redclaydiaries Is the blog post made out of fudge? And you really shouldn't try to force it out - straining could blow a blood vessel.

redclaydiaries @weightwhat U know, I would've been surprised if no one from this group picked up on that. Glad to see it was you.

weightwhat @redclaydiaries I'm quick that way.

br8kthru @weightwhat @redclaydiaries Wendy's right- blogorrhoids are a serious condition...

redclaydiaries @br8kthru @weightwhat U two are so helpful. What would I do without you? Anyone have any blogatives?

weightwhat @redclaydiaries Here, this might help:


sarahmsalter @redclaydiaries This conversation is scaring me a little.

redclaydiaries @sarahmsalter You and me both, Babe. Apparently @br8kthru @weightwhat are trying to help me be a more regular blogger.

There you go. Still breathing? Good. Now why don't you go check out what other people had to tweet about over at Fellowship of the Traveling Smarty Pants?

Back to the Future

So, I climbed into my DeLorean today and went to the future. Not far into the future, I just visited tomorrow. Don't believe me? I brought back proof: My Fingerprint Friday blog post for Pampering Beki's blog. Don't say I never gave you anything.

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says:
I can see the fingerprints of God
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of God
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of God


Angel kisses.

That's my beautiful girl! Now for an update on what's going on with her. We saw the neurologist and her EEG came back clear - a wonderful thing! The doctor thinks the seizure was probably started because she hit her head. God only knows for sure though. No swimming or baths for 6 months as a precaution, then a follow-up appointment. Hopefully there will be no more seizures and she can go back to all her regular activities. While the not knowing just what caused it is tough, I'm so thankful that they didn't find anything seriously wrong during the tests. Thank you to all who have been praying for my little one! You, too, are the fingerprints of God!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Life is Funny - DOH!


Slowly but surely (yes, I called you Shirley), the Christmas decor is going up around my house. Of course, the tree is important and all, but the first thing to go out is usually the Advent calendar.


Gotta get that Christmas countdown going on December 1st or face the wrath of a 7-year old.

You know, you'd think that a child would be thrilled to get little presents every day leading up to Christmas, but that's not always the case. There was the Year of the Play-Doh that came with much wailing and gnashing of teeth.


Yup, I bought the multi-pack of the tiny Play-Doh containers that were just the right size to fit in the little Advent boxes. What kid doesn't like Play-Doh, right? Apparently, my kid. It got to the point that she was afraid to open the doors for fear of finding another can of mushy evil behind it. Yet one more reason that I've had a Play-Doh gift pack hidden in the gift closet for years - I wouldn't want to cause any more Play-Doh trauma. *Insert eye-roll here*

December 1st kind of snuck up on me this year. I woke up that morning and realized that I'd forgotten to fill the calendar. Since my daughter would be awake any minute, I only put something in the first box figuring I could do the rest later when she was at school. When my daughter came downstairs and opened the first box in the Advent calendar, I was in the office (probably on Twitter). She came in to show me the new Christmas socks that she just pulled out of the box, then she proceeded to ask me why all the other boxes were empty. "Um, why were you looking in the other boxes, child of mine?"


Yup, totally busted. She's still working on the art of sneakiness. So close...

Well, there you have it - a Doh two-fer. Okay, to tell you the truth, I didn't even notice it was a two-fer until I was more than halfway through the post. Maybe I should have typed out Play-Doh a few more times... Anyway, now it's your turn! C'mon, I know you've got something to share with the rest of the class!

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Things that make you go hmmm

It's Saturday Silliness time! Now if you're like me, you've spent many a sleepless night wondering just how monks who have taken a vow of silence make a joyful noise to the Lord. What? That hasn't kept you up at night? Why is it that only I think of these things? Anyway, question answered:

You're welcome.

Friday, December 4, 2009

What? I can't hear you!


So, who's ready for the Twitter Ho-down? Don't worry. I'm sure the hairy palms thing is just a rumor...

The one-liners

I think the bus driver missed my jammies over the long weekend.

@Prodigaljohn - MY DRUM! MY DRUM! (Little Drummer Boy à la Animal/Muppets)

I always need more fodder. TWSS

My youngest asked if he was my favorite. It's like he forgot we even had a dog. (RT @MrBigFists)

Cough hack wheeze... Look! My lung!

Just tell the boss that Snuggies are "part of your culture". (RT @NerdSalad)

I'm writing my post. Is it wrong that I'm cracking myself up?

My abs are so firm, you could bounce a Quarter Pounder with Cheese off of them. (RT @thedayhascome)

@katdish they should never give a license to a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves

For me, a day without complaining is like a day without talking at all. (RT @funnyoneliners)

I have bugalooaphobia

The ones from my dog, Gidget (@CrazyGidgetDog)

Okay, you got me out of a good sniff and I'm here. Now what?

@makeadiff21 First you ignore my person and now me? What am I supposed... SQUIRREL!!!

What slippers? Uh, no, um... I haven't seen your slippers anywhere...

@spiffytiffy3 New boots? Can I chew, uh, I mean see them?

Look at this face. Can you believe that @makeadiff21 hates me? Where's the love, Ginny?! And where are your favorite shoes?


I'm a dog. How should I know that? Isn't it enough that I've learned to type?

To the people who aren't following me, not mentioning any names (@BridgetChumbley & @makeadiff21), I'll be leaving you a present soon.

wag wag wag

SBeeCreations @CrazyGidgetDog I hear Wendy's jammies are comfy. Do you ever think about piling them up for a nice nap?

CrazyGidgetDog @SBeeCreations How can I? She's always wearing them!

@BridgetChumbley DON'T SAY FIXED!

If you'll excuse me now, I've got to scoot. And by scoot, I mean drag my butt around the living room carpet.

A little bit longer ones

redclaydiaries @weightwhat I KNOW. God is so DEMANDING. Who does he think he is?

weightwhat @redclaydiaries You should ignore Him. I'm sure you won't be swallowed by a whale or anything.

SBeeCreations @makeadiff21 Maybe we can have our own Wendy Ignores Us club.

weightwhat @SBeeCreations Huh, did someone say something?

redclaydiaries "No one touches the Shaqtus." WHY do I find that so funny?

weightwhat @redclaydiaries Because you can't leave your Shaqtus alone? TWSS.

WinLiannefield @sarahmsalter Don't tell @weightwhat, but I've only seen that movie once, and I didn't like it. (A Christmas Story)

weightwhat @WinLiannefield How you avoided being struck by lightning after saying such a thing is nothing short of miraculous.

weightwhat @makeadiff21 It's just not good to be me today.

Helenatrandom @weightwhat Not good to be you? Imagine being the wife of 1 of them, and explaining this to mom

The ones that are even longer

What happens when you mix Viagra with Mr. Clean? Rise and Shine. (RT @funnyoneliners)

br8kthru @weightwhat ...and give God the glory, glory...

br8kthru @weightwhat I'll never be able to sing that song with my kids again.

weightwhat @br8kthru Well, you did it to yourself. TWSS

Helenatrandom @br8kthru @weightwhat Really you two....all this TWSSing is fogging up my computer screen...

weightwhat @Helenatrandom Are you sure that we're the ones doing it? You haven't been googling yourself, have you?

And the ‘why don’t you just post the whole conversation’ ones

makeadiff21 @weightwhat Oh, you are so bad. Poor @sarahmsalter . I thought the underwear thing was something of the past... ;)

weightwhat @makeadiff21 I hope wearing underwear isn't something in the past. What are you trying to tell us, Ginny? Hmmm...?

sarahmsalter @makeadiff21 And that's my point. I don't know how to approach that topic to make it acceptable to a mixed audience.

weightwhat @sarahmsalter Doesn't everyone (besides @makeadiff21) wear underwear? Perfectly acceptable.

sarahmsalter @weightwhat Yes, but as my grandmother says, it's not something nice girls talk about in public.

weightwhat @sarahmsalter For someone who "didn't talk about underwear," your grandma sure talked a lot about underwear.

Helenatrandom @weightwhat I am not wearing any right now, fyi!

weightwhat @Helenatrandom AAAAAA!!! It's Commando Helen!!! Hey, I wonder if they make an action figure of that...

Okay, maybe Twitter will make your palms a little hairy...

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Childhood 101 - Revenge of the babysat

So I've been doing the Parenting 101 posts for a little while now, but there has been a cry from the desert. More of a whine actually. Kids are feeling underrepresented, as noted in the following email I received:

Dear Wendy, Keeper of All Knowledge,

I'm a kid and I feel underrepresented. Why do you only impart your wisdom to adults? We, the young and disenfranchised, need guidance, too. How are we to live out our childhood to the fullest without your mentoring? Please help us!

Young and In Need of Revenge Guidance

Well, Young and In Need of Revenge Guidance, you've come to the right place. I'll start off with a biggie...

Getting Your Own Way

Crying, whining, throwing yourself on the floor having a tantrum - all of these are common ways kids will try to get their own way. But do you want to be like every other kid in Walmart? Or do you want to up your game?


You need to go for a drag. Lay on the floor and grab the shopping cart, then scream bloody murder while your parent drags you around the store. It takes years for parents to figure out a defense for this one. You'll have years of getting whatever you want using this tactic. But what happens when the magic wears off and your parent starts ignoring this behavior? Keep doing it, because someone is bound to call Child Protective Services on your parents, and as everyone knows, CPS has the best lollipops and hot chocolate. Either way, you win.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Life is Funny - I'd never make it as a nun


It's time for the Life is Funny blog carnival! I know. You're excited. But did you really need to piddle on the floor? You'll get your chance to join in at the end, okay? Mr. Linky is so excited I think he might piddle himself, too.

I'm doing something a little different today. I saw this video this week and almost hurt myself laughing so hard. So without further ado...

I'd so be that nun... Just one more thing to add to the long list of why I'd never make it as a nun.

So, are you ready to join in? Sign up below while I get a rolled up newspaper to smack Mr. Linky's nose.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Christmas shopping: It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it.

It's Saturday Silliness time! And I've just got to ask, who braved the shopping malls yesterday? Anyone? Anyone? Did you learn your lesson? Online shopping is so much safer...

Friday, November 27, 2009

Did that turkey just tweet at me?


It's Thanksgiving week, so things were a bit slow on the old Twitter for me. Does that mean there won't be a Twitter Ho-down post? Of course not! Why should a lack of content slow me down?

The one-liners

Huh. Is it weird that I was listening to the Clash while driving my minivan?

Gotta run to the bus stop. And in case you're wondering, yes.

Have you ever been in therapy? No? You should try it. It's really easy. The correct answer to every question is: 'Because of my mother." (RT @funnyoneliners)

@makeadiff21 In case you didn't notice, I'm ignoring you. Hmph.
If God hadn't meant for us to overeat on Thanksgiving, He wouldn't have invented elastic waist pants.

A little bit longer ones

Helenatrandom @weightwhat Tongue is rather tasty!

weightwhat @Helenatrandom Tongues are for tasting other things, not to taste. Blech. Helen, I fear your meat choices.

The ones that are even longer

CandySteele @BridgetChumbley I think they needed the double dong *prayer* - not dare #keepmouthshutnexttime

weightwhat @CandySteele OH MY! TWSS!

CandySteele @BridgetChumbley ummm...that would be double DOG. Oops. Just made the ho-down

weightwhat @CandySteele Oh yes you did.

BridgetChumbley @CandySteele I'm wiping the tears from my eyes from laughing so hard... couldn't even type! LOL

sarahmsalter @redclaydiaries Time for a new doctor?

redclaydiaries @sarahmsalter Yes, probably. I've only seen this 1 3x now. My old doc actually died last year. Hadn't needed to go since then.

weightwhat @redclaydiaries Well, you should probably get used to going to the doc more often. You're not getting any younger, you know. *snort*

redclaydiaries @weightwhat OH NO YOU DI'NT! I'll cut you. Sekoority!

Helenatrandom Shhh....It's the cops over there... just stay calm and look innocent~ what I say to any passengers when I spot a police car...

weightwhat @Helenatrandom Really? I yell, "Cops! Duck!" Mostly because there are a lot of ducks around here.

Helenatrandom @weightwhat Ah, but there is nothing like telling an elderly relative to "try to look innocent..."

weightwhat @Helenatrandom This isn't the Hungarian side, is it? I'd think they'd be used to it. ;o)

weightwhat @br8kthru Okay Jason, I just have to ask... How are your cockles today? Are they warm?

br8kthru @weightwhat Warm & toasty until I go outside again. I was a little concerned cuz they've been lethargic the past few days- all's well now

weightwhat @br8kthru Hey, don't go neglecting your cockles.

br8kthru @weightwhat cockles, indeed, need to be cared for. You forget them at your own peril. Warm them, I say! & warm them well...

And the ‘why don’t you just post the whole conversation’ ones

weightwhat @sarahmsalter Oh, I forgot. I do have one Christmas decoration that's up all year. A leg lamp. In my front window. It's fra-gee-lay.


sarahmsalter @weightwhat A "leg" lamp? Like a reindeer leg? Or a Santa leg?

CandySteele @sarahmsalter from "The Christmas Story" with "you'll shoot your eye out Ralphie"

weightwhat @sarahmsalter You're kidding, right? Please tell me you've seen A Christmas Story.

sarahmsalter @CandySteele I know I'm inviting contempt and derision by saying this, but... I've never seen it.

weightwhat @sarahmsalter We can't be friends anymore. Go watch it and I'll consider taking you back.

sarahmsalter @weightwhat LOL! It isn't even playing this early! YOU CAN'T QUIT ME, WENDY!

SallyHogshead When people type "LOL," what percentage of the time do you think they're actually laughing out loud?

br8kthru @MattTCoNP that's why I refuse to type it & don't use winky faces (I thought, when's the last time I actually winked at someone?)

weightwhat @br8kthru Okay, tell the truth now. You can't wink, can you?

br8kthru @weightwhat Yes, I can wink but it makes me feel like a truck stop waitress which, shockingly, is not what I'm going for

weightwhat @br8kthru Well if you'd stop saying, "Kiss my grits!" every time you winked, you probably wouldn't have that problem.

br8kthru @weightwhat so to the whole winky face thing I say, "KISS MY GRITS!" (you got more than you bargained for w/ that question, huh?)

br8kthru @weightwhat wow, that's scary that we were thinking along the same lines... you may need to enter therapy immediately.

PeterPollock @br8kthru PLEASE do a mashup with your face and a truck stop waitress!

weightwhat @PeterPollock Oooo!!! I'd like to see that mashup, too, @br8kthru!

weightwhat @br8kthru C'mon Jason... You know you want to do a mashup. It'll make your head feel better. Bet it'd warm your cockles, too.

weightwhat @br8kthru - Here - I'll give you a hand:


br8kthru @weightwhat just that pic made me laugh.

weightwhat @br8kthru But did it make you LOL?

br8kthru @weightwhat no just SRB (smile really big)

weightwhat @br8kthru You're difficult to please. TWSS

br8kthru @weightwhat leave my cockles out of this- they refuse to be manipulated...

weightwhat @br8kthru But how do you warm your cockles without them being manipulated?

weightwhat Okay, gotta run. And Jason? I'm hoping to see an @br8kthru /Flo mashup when I return. I don't need to see your warmed cockles though.

I'm sad to say that Jason did not do one of his infamous mashups for me. I know, it's a sad story and there will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth. Feel free to complain to him on Twitter at @br8kthru or his blog. He likes complaining.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

"Happy" Thanksgiving!


I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving, one way or another... And best of luck to those who are going to go out shopping tomorrow. Just one more reason to try the Prozac turkey.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Life is Funny - Another week, another note.


Okay, it's time for the Life is Funny blog carnival. Who's in? Mr. Linky is standing by...

While I'm still not over the loss of last week's note, my daughter has stepped up and given me another one this week. Instead of the usual "I have the meanest mommy in the world" theme she usually goes with, she's moved on to guilt and trying to use it for her own personal gain. Oh yeah, she's good.

Saturday morning I woke up with a horrendous sinus headache. How my head did not explode is beyond me. Anyway, the kiddo had decided that she wanted to go out to see Grandma and PopPop. After discussing it with my sinuses, I decided that it just wasn't going to happen. Something about driving while I could barely open my eyes made that the sensible choice. But did that stop my daughter from asking repeatedly throughout the day if she could go out there? Have I told you about my daughter before? There was no peace to be found that day. Perhaps she thought that in my weakened state I'd forget that I'd told her no a gazillion times. Not so much. So she moved on to a new tactic: The note.


It says, "I want to go to grandma's house today not tomorrow because I don't want to go tomorrow can daddy take me yes or no?" They're still working on punctuation and such in school. Anyway, please notice the many tears running down the face on the picture she drew of herself. Heartwrenching, isn't it? While many parents would cave under this kind of pressure, I stood my ground. Or sofa, as the case may be. Hey, I didn't win the "Meanest Mommy of the Year" award for nothing.

Okay, okay. I'm taking her over there today, God willin' and the creek don't rise. But I still win, right? Right? Hello?

Now it's your turn. What will you be sharing with us this week?

Friday, November 20, 2009

Because sometimes you just need a tweet pick-me-up


Okay, I'll start off with the latest about my daughter: We still know nothing. Ugh. She had an EEG done yesterday, and while we do know that nothing horrendous showed up, the tech hinted that something was there but wouldn't tell me what. Gotta wait for the doctor to fill me in on that one. Oh, and the doctor is leaving the country today for two weeks. Looking for a nice brick wall to hit my head against. She's also wearing a continuous glucose monitor that checks her blood sugar every 5 minutes. We'll have the results on that read next Tuesday. More waiting. Have I mentioned that I hate waiting? Anyway, a little levity is a nice thing right now, which is why I love Twitter so much. Who doesn't love to laugh? So on to the Twitter Ho-down with Fellowship of the Traveling Smartypants!

The one-liners

Attn: Substitute bus driver - FEAR THE JAMMIES!

The difference between intelligence and stupidity is--intelligence has a limit. (via @funnyoneliners)

Asked my wife what she would put in the paper if I died. She said, "Boat for sale." RT @northpacific

RT @funnyoneliners Think twice before you speak. This may enable you to say something more insulting than if you had spoke out at once.

@Helenatrandom I'm going to DM you. Yes, I'm that kind of a girl.

My daughter caught my husband watching iCarly earlier. He was by himself. Should I be worried?

RT @funnyoneliners What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo gets before he leaves the factory? Two test tickles.

A little bit longer ones

makeadiff21 @weightwhat Hey, saw our neighborhood 'mommy in jammies at the bus stop' this morning. It's just too funny!

weightwhat @makeadiff21 Did you tell her to stop copying me?

sarahmsalter @BridgetChumbley No... Because I'm still getting further behind. But I'm worn out. I just can't get in the zone tonight.

weightwhat @sarahmsalter TWSS

weightwhat @sarahmsalter I don't know... I've heard about girls who dye their hair and wear colored underwear...

sarahmsalter @weightwhat Well, I'm only one out of two today. So, I guess I'm only half-wild today. :-P

weightwhat @sarahmsalter Okay, did everyone get that? @sarahmsalter IS NOT wearing (colored) underwear today!

stretchmarkmama Hey, @walgreens sells a great self-inflating whoopee cushion--not that we tested one for 10 min at the store today.

weightwhat @stretchmarkmama Okay, I just have to ask... What kind of sound does it make when it inflates?

stretchmarkmama @weightwhat Oh, it's a silent sound. Silent but deadly.

The ones that are even longer

makeadiff21 @weightwhat Just so you know you are not alone... there is a lady in our neighborhood who is in her jammies every morning at the bust stop

Helenatrandom @makeadiff21 Okay, I gotta ask.... what is a "bust stop"...

makeadiff21 @Helenatrandom LOL.. Oh geez. That'll come back to me for sure....

weightwhat @makeadiff21 Just how much was your bust moving that it needed to stop?

makeadiff21 How old is it again when you ask for some time alone that they give you more than 20 seconds at a time? :)

weightwhat @makeadiff21 43.

br8kthru @weightwhat 43!?! I'm not that patient...

weightwhat @br8kthru Then can I offer you a rubber mallet?

And the ‘why don’t you just post the whole conversation’ ones

sarahmsalter I have a headache... Go to bed or take tylenol and stay up to write?

SBeeCreations @sarahmsalter You should sleep. Best not risk the rebound headache in the morning.

sarahmsalter @SBeeCreations "Rebound headache"? Did I miss that day in healthy class?

weightwhat @sarahmsalter Kinda like a rebound boyfriend without the making out.

sarahmsalter @weightwhat Oh, that sucks.

weightwhat @sarahmsalter Yup, none of the fun, just the headache.

sarahmsalter @weightwhat So, what about when you end up dating a rebound boyfriend on and off over a couple years? Would that constitute a migraine?

weightwhat @sarahmsalter Yup. Or maybe a tumor.

sarahmsalter @billycoffey Yeah, I cried over a Barenaked Ladies song on the radio this morning. That's a bit extreme dontcha think?

weightwhat @sarahmsalter Was it because they just made you say underwear?

sarahmsalter @weightwhat LOL! No. But funny, Wendy. Very funny.

weightwhat @sarahmsalter Maybe you should sing something. I'll start you off: "I like big butts and I cannot lie..."

sarahmsalter @weightwhat Ha ha. You're SO funny.

weightwhat @sarahmsalter Yes. Yes I am.

weightwhat @br8kthru *Psst!* @sarahmsalter - I think Jason needs some prune brownies.

br8kthru @weightwhat prune brownies!? Why I awtta...

weightwhat @br8kthru Just looking out for your colon health.

br8kthru @weightwhat if ever there were 2 words never to be uttered together it is 'prune' & 'brownies.' You just made Jesus cry.

SBeeCreations @weightwhat They don't call them prunes anymore. Had to get some juice for daughter and they call it "dried plum" to make it more appealing

weightwhat @SBeeCreations Some poor person could be suckered in and won't know what's going on until the colon blow hits.

sarahmsalter @redclaydiaries Buenas dias y benediciones amiga mia!

weightwhat @sarahmsalter Taco burrito enchilada.

billycoffey @katdish @redclaydiaries @sarahmsalter You people need to stop speaking in Spanish. I flunked Spanish. All I know is bueno.

weightwhat @billycoffey Didn't you understand my restaurant Spanish? I'm fluent in that.

billycoffey @weightwhat I need to buy one of those dictionaries. I know taco and burrito.

weightwhat @billycoffey You should really learn enchilada and quesadilla, too. Maybe someday you'll move on to fajitas, but I don't want to rush you.

katdish @weightwhat don de esta casa de pepe

weightwhat @katdish ¿Oye bebé, viene aquí mucho?

JeanneDamoff @weightwhat @katdish What's up with the cheesy Spanish pick-up lines? :)

weightwhat @JeanneDamoff It's important to be obnoxious in as many languages as possible.

sarahmsalter @weightwhat Careful, careful. Let's keep it rated-G.

weightwhat @sarahmsalter What? Is my cheesy pick-up line getting you all PG-rated?

sarahmsalter @weightwhat I just feared the progression from that cheesy pick-up line to the conversation it could spark.

weightwhat @sarahmsalter My conversations never go down that road. Ever.

sarahmsalter @weightwhat Please excuse me while I step away from the computer. I'm allergic to lightning.

weightwhat Gotta go wash all the goop out of my daughter's hair now. Oooo... goopy.

redclaydiaries @weightwhat I know I shouldn't do this... But TWSS

weightwhat @redclaydiaries Who could resist?

redclaydiaries @weightwhat Thank you. I knew you'd understand.

sarahmsalter @redclaydiaries You have no self-control. (TWSS)

br8kthru @weightwhat I'm back- no i'm more into instant gratification- i really wasn't thinking about the other... :)

BridgetChumbley @br8kthru TWSS...

weightwhat @BridgetChumbley Go Bridget! Go Bridget!

br8kthru @BridgetChumbley Glad you've still got it- now hold on to it and don't let go- whoa, not that tight! :)

redclaydiaries @br8kthru OMGoogle. So. Tempted. Must. Resist. The. TWSS...

weightwhat @br8kthru Man, you're just a TWSS waiting to happen tonight, aren't you?

Yes, it was a busy week on the Twitter. Diversion is a good thing! I really want to thank all of you who have been praying for my kiddo. I truly appreciate it!