I'll have you know that this is my 3rd(ish) post this week. And I'm planning on posting tomorrow and Saturday, too. Truly, it is the end of days. That being said, I wasn't sure what I should write about today, so I went to the fount of all knowledge: Twitter. And after taking requests for post topics, the answers came: Frogstranglers and cheesy monuments.
Frogstranglers? Yeah, had to ask what that was. I have to say that I was a bit disappointed with the answer: A heavy rain. And here I was thinking about some crazy people going around strangling frogs. I may or may not have had a whole CSI episode playing in my mind. I admit to nothing.
Cheesy monuments. Oh, how they elude me! First, I should tell you that I'm all about the cheese. The tackier, the better. I love me a good factory tour, especially if there are free samples at the end. The Jelly Belly factory tour? Cheesetastic! And don't get me started on the Hershey tour. It even has it's own ride through it! But giant rubberband balls and an enormous Jolly Green Giant are out there and I'm missing them! Okay, I have seen a giant Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox, but that's hardly enough for me! I need my picture taken next to a giant yarn ball or typewriter! Surely there must be a monument to belly button lint somewhere that's calling to me. And the place in the Pee Wee's Big Adventure movie with the giant dinosaurs? What about that? These things need to be a part of my cheese repertoire. Okay, I could probably skip out on the enema monument. Then again...
What was not suggested but probably should have been? The Old Spice Man. I heart him. And when I found the following video clip, I hearted him even more.
Silverfish hand catch! If ever there was a trend just waiting to happen, it's that one.
Now I think the disturbedness has gone on long enough here. Okay, it totally goes on in my mind, but you don't need to know about that. Why don't you toddle off to Duane's blog and see who else is pleasantly disturbed?
Two posts in two days from me?! Inconceivable! Well, before you get yourself all worked up into a lather, it's not really two whole posts. This one is mostly a reprint of an old post. See? All is right with the world afterall.
Over at Bridget's blog, she's doing the One Word at a Time blog carnival. Now I usually don't join in on this blog carnival because, well, it's just too deep for me. But this week's topic, Summer, is one that can be found in the shallow end of the pool. Although, if you go and check out some of the other posts there, some people are still seriously swimming in the deep end. I'll be needing my water wings now.
Summer. What do I think of when I hear that word? Sunburn. Crispy, fried, blister-covered skin. Temperatures so hot it makes my freckles start to melt. And S'mores. Hey, there's always room for chocolate.
A little background on me. I grew up in Southern California, not terribly far from the beach. I have red hair and blue eyes. Do you know what comes with that combination? Fair skin. Now I'm not talking Snow White fair. That chick is tan compared to me. I'm talking pasty white. With freckles. I've burnt to blister more times than I like to remember. (And yes, I get yearly skin checks at the dermatologist.) I've even managed to burn the BOTTOM of my feet. Now that's saying something. Of course, all my friends were tan. All of them. They liked standing next to me because it made them look even darker. I always wanted to be tan...
Back when I was in junior high, one of my friends was having a pool party for her birthday. Fun, huh? Yeah. All my friends were slathering on baby oil so they could get even darker than they already were, and I was jealous. So, yeah, I grabbed the baby oil myself.
Anyone see where this is going?
I spent most of our pool time floating around on a raft under that bright California sun. I kept checking myself, but I didn't seem to be turning color at all. So I just continued to float around, sunning myself like everyone else.
Or not.
When I got home, I realized that I was fried. Lobsters everywhere were jealous of the deep red color of my skin. I probably could have toasted marshmallows with the heat coming off my skin. Well, part of my skin anyway. Did I mention that I didn't turn over the entire day? Oh yeah, bright red on the front of my body, ghostly white on the back. And a very clear line where the two colors met. I looked like a different person coming and going. It was not a good look on me.
But wait, there's more.
When in a situation like this, most would try to hide the two-toned skin under clothing, right? Yes, that would have been ideal. Except for one small problem. I was on a swim team at the time. I was forced to wear a swimsuit, in front of a lot of people, and show off the glory that was my skin. There was much pointing and laughing as I tried to get into the water as quickly as possible. Good thing I was in junior high at the time. Nothing is embarrassing in junior high, right?
My daughter and I are plagued with an eating problem. You see, when we eat, the food does whatever it can to not go into our mouths. Yes, I blame the food. Food is very sneaky, you know.
These days, it's just not a meal unless some of it has dropped on me. My family has stopped telling me when I've been the victim of a food attack, and instead just say, "It's a meal!" Unfortunately for me, my favorite sandwich is a French Dip. Yeah, there's no walking away from that meal without au jus carnage. The other night we went out for Mexican food. Somehow, I managed to get a blob of refried beans on my neck. My neck! How does that even happen? Clearly the food was going for my jugular.
As I said though, this food curse is not limited to me. Yes, it's gone after my daughter, too. The food makes her eat it from the center instead of the edges. The result is food covering both sides of her cheeks almost back to the ears. But sometimes, the food is even more devious. The other day, I took my daughter to Costco, one of her favorite places. Why? The samples, of course! One of the samples this day was the mini chocolate croissant bites. I know, yummy, huh? So they took these already small bites and cut them in half to make a sample. Sounds easy enough, right? Yeah. As is normal for us, I did a mouth check on my daughter after she ate it. And also, as normal, there was food on either side of her mouth. I told her to clean it off and we continued walking. When we got to the front of the store, she turned and I saw the other side of her face. Cheek to ear were covered in chocolate. But wait! There's more! She had chocolate up on her forehead starting right above her eyebrow. How? The world may never know. But there it was. Of course by this time, it had dried nicely, so my daughter had to endure Mommy spit to get it off. We then went and had slices of Costco pizza, which ended up everywhere. But it turns out that the mini chocolate croissant bite was not yet done with my daughter. Somehow, even though she was standing up when she had the sample, chocolate had fallen and attached itself to her shorts. The exact place on her shorts that she managed to rest her hand. So the chocolate smearing went on. Unbelievable!
Eating is an adventure with us. On the upside though, we've always got a snack for later somewhere on our person. On the downside, napkins don't stand a chance against us. Sometimes, only a firehose will do.
Ready to join the Life is Funny carnival? Just do a post on your blog about how your life is funny, a joke or whatever. See how easy I am? Just make sure you link it up to my blog and put the link to your post below with Mr. Linky. Just don't give Mr. Linky any food while you're there. Watching him eat is just not pretty.
Happy Saturday, silly people! Yes, of course I mean you. Don't make me roll my eyes at you. Ready for some fun? I thought you might be. So there's this blog called Sleep Talkin' Man that just tickles me. Feel free to click on over there, but you might want to make sure there are no little eyes peering over your shoulder. Yeah, the language can get pretty colorful. Anyway, there's this college kid who has a YouTube channel and he made a video as a kind of Ode to the Sleep Talkin' Man. And now, this kid tickles me, too. Fizzylimon. He's very entertaining to watch. Anyway, here's the video in question. Enjoy!
Now before you go about your day, how about hopping over to Kathy's blog for some more silliness? You know you want to.
I was sent this story a little while back. And while I did forward it on to a handful of people, I felt it needed to be shared with the world. And really? What better forum than on the Pleasantly Disturbed carnival?
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Happy 3rd of July, people! Okay, okay. So today is not actually a holiday. But it is Saturday Silliness day and I come bearing the Muppets. So it should be a holiday, right? Yeah, I thought so.
Now why don't you go over to Kathy's blog to play? She's bringing some silly today, too.
Yes, it's been a long time. But I now present you with the Epic Twitter Ho-down. Yeah, I've been saving 'em up. So get your popcorn and your hip waders and read on at your own peril.
The one-liners
I'm here - let the wild rumpus start!
Blah blah blah.
My daughter is exploding out of both ends simultaneously. I love being a mom. I love being a mom. I love being a mom...
I really wish my gym would install outdoor trash receptacles. Taking my Mcdonalds garbage inside to throw it away is getting embarassing. (RT @ruthakers)
If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection. (@funnyoneliners)
These are not the droids you are looking for.
I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers. (RT @marni71)
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-OW! That's the noise my daughter keeps making as she slides down the stairs in her sleeping bag.
I wonder if cannibal children are told not to play with their food... (RT @funnyoneliners)
Nap hard or get off the couch.
My kiddo doesn't understand why I won't let her wear a hospital gown to VBS tomorrow. Doesn't she know we only dress like that at Walmart?
I have been blessed with the gift of inappropriateness. It's only right that I share it.
A little bit longer ones
duane_scott Why am I the only "dude" on twitter this morning? What do all guys do on Saturday anyway? Oh, that's right, honey -do lists. #suckas
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