Just when you thought it was safe to turn on your computer...

Okay, yes. It's been a long time since I've done a Twitter Ho-down post. Or any post for that matter. But hey, some of these tweets are so old that you've probably forgotten about them by now. See? It's all good. Yeah. I meant to do that.


The one-liners

TheGarfoose Hey @michael_schlact love your new Tatoo, way more masculine than your other one http://yfrog.com/h080ptj

NikkiKearney Coffee is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Or at least busy.

tellingdad My poor wife. She's been counting Box Tops for our son's school for 3 hours. She didn't see the humor in me singing, "867-5309" to her.

mychiapet @SBeeCreations Still avoiding me, I see. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

If your man doesn't want to talk about his feelings, it's because you haven't told him what they are yet. RT @shariv67

badbanana Carried outside by a group of men wearing top hats. That's also how Elton John predicts the weather.

badbanana An optimist sees a zombie as half alive. A pessimist sees a zombie and says "yep, I knew this would happen."

badbanana Ladies, upgrade to a digital biological clock. It's completely silent.

PeterGriffinn No, you're wrong. So just sit there in your wrongness and be wrong.

mychiapet I'm thinking of having a little work done. I wonder if extra chia seeds are a tax deduction.

My daughter is watching The Three Stooges. Not sure what that says about my parenting skills.

Doin' the Single Ladies dance over here. May or may not be wearing a leotard.




The ones that are a little bit longer

Helenatrandom Hot Earl Grey Tea and ring bologna #lunchtime

Weightwhat @Helenatrandom You have a special knack for making me not hungry.



The_BMG I was just informed by DG that she can't sleep b/c she's busy pooping. #okthen

weightwhat @The_BMG Well, it is tough to do both at the same time. Don't ask how I know that.



SBeeCreations @mychiapet You are looking a little poofy. I think you need a trim.

mychiapet @SBeeCreations Gettin' a bit personal there now, aren'tcha?



connectedgeek If your job is your hobby and your hobby is your job (ie computer related), other than your family and friends, how to you occupy your time?

weightwhat @connectedgeek I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies. Call me Roger.



duane_scott Okay, I was going to post on my blog for the first time this week, but it'll be tomorrow. I've been catching up on "me" today.

weightwhat @duane_scott Giving yourself a facial and painting your toenails?



TheRustedChain I'm no Superman.

weightwhat @TheRustedChain You just like wearing the cape and tights?



okiewife will not take a drug that advertises one of the side effects is possible death. I perfer to wait for natural causes. Like falling icicles...

WendyDarlingLtd @okiewife Where's your sense of adventure? I personally look for the meds that say that an exploding colon is a possibility.



mychiapet Pssst! @weightwhat is working on a post. Don't tell her I told you.

CrazyGidgetDog @mychiapet I'm totally tellin'. And @weightwhat likes me best.




The ones that are even longer

Helenatrandom @weightwhat Hi Wendy! How's the Chia? ;-)

weightwhat @Helenatrandom Oddly quiet. I think it must be scheming.

Helenatrandom @weightwhat That sounds like something we should be doing. You think the Chia is trying to take over the world before we do?

weightwhat @Helenatrandom It's entirely possible. We should probably try to harness that energy for our own purposes.



weightwhat Aw, man! I forgot to get my Groundhog's Day cards in the mail! If only I could relive the day over and over so I could get it right.

Helenatrandom @weightwhat And I was at the store, and forgot ground pork. I would've LOVED to see Bob's face when telling him he's eating ground hog!

weightwhat @Helenatrandom Bob may never let you do the grocery shopping again!

Helenatrandom @weightwhat It's just as well. Most of my recipes for ground pork get mixed with ground beef anyway, so he really wouldn't be eating hog...

weightwhat @Helenatrandom Pigs and cows mixing? Isn't that a Biblical sin or something?



SBeeCreations @weightwhat Running around like a headless chicken. Chili sounds good. D has a mancold. Test tomorrow. Bogged in work today.

weightwhat @SBeeCreations A mancold, huh? Lots of whining and hardly any symptoms?

SBeeCreations @weightwhat That would be the one!

LaurelsZoo @SBeeCreations Did you rub his head and chant "poor little bunny?"

SBeeCreations @LaurelsZoo Bwahahahaha! Yes!! I did forget the Poor little Bunny part. I'll have to rectify that.

marklamberti If I had to guess, I'd say that 30% of my Twitter followers are real people.

weightwhat @marklamberti Am I real?

marklamberti @weightwhat I think you're in a better position than I am to answer that?

weightwhat @marklamberti Not necessarily. I could be a figment of my own imagination. Wouldn't be the first time.



SBeeCreations @weightwhat What would I do without you?

weightwhat @SBeeCreations I'm not sure, but there would probably be much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

SBeeCreations @weightwhat at the very least and don't forget flailing

weightwhat @SBeeCreations I always consider flailing to be a given.



duane_scott What's another word for "unflinchingly". As in the man stared into the darkness unflinchingly. #duaneiswritinganovel

weightwhat @duane_scott You know, there's this great new thing called a Thesaurus...

duane_scott @weightwhat I am too scared to use a thesauras. I don't want to come off as sounding smarter than I am.

weightwhat @duane_scott Should we try to find very small words for you then?



jennybekrocks This seizure brought to you by Arcade Fire #grammys

WendyDarlingLtd @jennybekrocks Weren't you just saying you could use a good seizure right about now?

jennybekrocks @WendyDarlingLtd I was. And they delivered, just in time. Whew.

WendyDarlingLtd @jennybekrocks See? It's a good weekend afterall.



TheRustedChain Awww, I just received my first hate mail in a long time! I've hit the big time now! Thanks "John Smith" for making me feel special. :)

WendyDarlingLtd @TheRustedChain If that's all you were waiting for to make the big time, you should have told me before! I'd have sent you some hate mail.

WendyDarlingLtd @TheRustedChain Have I mentioned that I'm a giver?

TheRustedChain @WendyDarlingLtd I'd take hate mail from you any day! I'm sure it would make me smile. :) You are such a giver.



katdish Waiting on a phone call from @peterpollock. Which I think I may have missed...

WendyDarlingLtd @katdish Is he calling to read the phone book to you? Gotta get that daily accent fix.

katdish @WendyDarlingLtd I've asked him to read the menu from Jack in the Box. He can make anything sound classy.

WendyDarlingLtd @katdish Maybe Walmart should hire him to do their in-store announcements.



WritingJoy First manicure ever. Nice. I could get used to this.

WendyDarlingLtd @WritingJoy What color are you fingernails?

WritingJoy @WendyDarlingLtd well, the bottle said "Exhale." What color you suppose that is?

WendyDarlingLtd @WritingJoy Depends on whether or not you've brushed your teeth lately.




And the 'why don't you just post the whole conversation' ones

katdish I need a chicken soup fairy

CandySteele @katdish Ha! I read that as "chicken poop." Wish you lived closer - I'm on a cooking binge today.

katdish @CandySteele I definitely do not need a chicken poop fairy. I hate being sick.

weightwhat @katdish Are you sure? Because I could totally be your chicken poop fairy. We've got plenty here and I'm a giver.

katdish @weightwhat If I ever need a chicken poop fairy, your number's on speed dial.

weightwhat @katdish I'm here for ya.



beckfromfrogandtoad My husband just announced that he's crafting me a new gallbladder for Valentine's Day. I am a lucky woman.

weightwhat @beckfromfrogandtoad Nothing says love like a new gallbladder. Except maybe a new spleen.

beckfromfrogandtoad @weightwhat He is a unique fellow.

weightwhat @beckfromfrogandtoad Not everyone gives body parts as gifts. You've got yourself a keeper there.

beckfromfrogandtoad @weightwhat I could never, EVER replace him.

weightwhat @beckfromfrogandtoad Well technically, if he gave you enough body parts, you could.



The_BMG Wearing pajamas at 7:45 on a Saturday night = I'm a loser.

weightwhat @The_BMG @SBeeCreations I felt a disturbance in the force like I was being insulted somehow...

SBeeCreations @The_BMG @weightwhat Is that all it takes?

The_BMG @SBeeCreations @weightwhat I'll just have to call her out more often...

weightwhat @The_BMG Hey man, don't insult the jammies.

The_BMG @weightwhat I would never insult the jammies. They rock my socks.

weightwhat @The_BMG My jammies will be eyeing you suspiciously now.

The_BMG @weightwhat If your jammies eye anything, I'm a little concerned.

weightwhat @The_BMG If that's the only thing about me that concerns you, you might have a problem.



Aren't you glad you waited for this? And yes, standing next to me makes you look normal. You're welcome.