Looks like I've got a tweet or two left in me

I know.  It's been a while.  And no, I'm not dead.  Only mostly dead.  If I was all dead, you'd be going through my clothes looking for loose change.  But true love brought me back.  That, and a nice mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich.   So enjoy! 

The one-liners

weightwhat @duane_scott You will get nothing and like it.

I'm all out of half & half for my coffee. Let the wailing and gnashing of teeth begin.

"Lay down the boogie and play that funky music 'til you die." Words to live by. #WildCherry

mychiapet Okay @weightwhat, sneezing on me is not the same thing as watering me. #stupidallergies

#klout sent me a year's supply of Secret Waterproof Deodorant. Are they trying to tell me something?

Where are the chocolate fairies when you really need them?

DeathStarPR If he says, "I know" when you say you love him, or he's always "encased in Carbonite" when you want to talk, #BreakUp.

jonacuff To be honest, it's been too long since I last participated in a canoe race to save a summer camp from a rich land developer

aMikeFox If asked "Who do you think you are!?" just say "I am the terror that flaps in the night. I am Darkwing Duck." there's no comeback to that.

MnLs Ladies, Christmas is coming “@robmcguire: Since I no longer deny that I let myself go, only seems fitting to buy this:

badbanana According to this heraldry website, my family crest is red and gold with a winged lion eating Spaghetti-Os in his underwear.

I never lie. Ok, I do, but not to you. Well maybe to you, but not about this. Trust me. RT @juicymorsel

Sugar cookie creamer? I thought we could have something special together, but I was wrong. It's not me, it's you.

I just ate a gingerbread man that I brought home for my daughter. She knew it was there. She shouldn't have left it unguarded.

The_BMG Totally:

Just checked the keyword activity for my blog. " HoHoHo and I am not talking about you" will land you on my blog. *snort*

I put off doing more things by 9 AM than most people do all day. RT @oinkflap

badbanana Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?

My To Do list: 1. Quit my soul-sucking job. 2. Take over the world with @Helenatrandom. Not necessarily in that order.

I was just thinking it was time for me to take out my leotard again... (@Helenatrandom)

TheRustedChain Haha!! RT @zachbraff: Dear Atheist friends, Happy Nothing.

They say you are what you eat. So I'm gonna start eatin skinny people. RT @SaraESpivey

badbanana My New Year's Resolution, like always, will be to avoid an elk herd attack. I have a good feeling 2012 will be the year.

When I read a really stupid tweet I think “What an idiot. Why did I write that?”RT @BDGarp

badbanana I've already failed miserably today. Anything more is just fail gravy.

The_BMG How Peanut Butter is made... I'm STILL laughing!

The ones that prove I should not be left to my own devices

Should I tell you all about my belly button lint collection? #whyishouldnotbeleftaloneontwitter

Nope. Still can't lick my own elbow. #whyishouldnotbeleftaloneontwitter

Asked @CrazyGidgetDog to teach me the scooting my butt on the carpet trick. She's holding out on me. #whyishouldnotbeleftaloneontwitter

We are now the Knights who say... "Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG. Zoom-Boing. Z'nourrwringmm." #whyishouldnotbeleftaloneontwitter

Thinking about giving @mychiapet a mohawk. #whyishouldnotbeleftaloneontwitter

Bingo! #whyishouldnotbeleftaloneontwitter

Wendy, Wendy bo-bendy, banana fana fo fendy, me my mo mendy, Wendy!#whyishouldnotbeleftaloneontwitter

Chuck, Chuck bo-buck, banana fana fo... Uh, nevermind. #whyishouldnotbeleftaloneontwitter

Plucking the hair off your toes hurts. I'm just guessing, of course. #whyishouldnotbeleftaloneontwitter

It wasn't me. It was the dog. #whyishouldnotbeleftaloneontwitter



The ones that are a little bit longer

SarahBeeC @weightwhat here ya are!

weightwhat @SarahBeeC Not for long! I need to get a move on. Don't ask which move.



SarahBeeC @weightwhat *tsk tsk* You haven't blogged since JULY!? You may need to change your bio, too, young lady.

weightwhat @SarahBeeC I have a blog?!



katdish The government may attempt to force auto manufacturers to build tiny clown cars that plug into a wall, but they won't force me to buy one.

weightwhat @katdish But you'd make a fine clown!



dlrayburn Woot. My car washing brush has shipped.... <--Wow I live an exciting life don't I?

weightwhat @dlrayburn You are a wild man.



WinLiannefield I love my FB friends. I do. But one more picture of a friend or their kids standing next to a dead deer and I'm gonna lose it. #Gross

weightwhat @WinLiannefield What about the one of me with the dead Jackalope? Does that bother you?

katdish Just dropped my son off at band camp. They used his middle name instead of his first on his name tag. So today, my son is Paul.

weightwhat @katdish Is there a "one time at band camp" joke in there somewhere?



TheRustedChain I have one dog that rolls around in cow patties and one dog that eats them. Remind me again why I have dogs??

weightwhat @TheRustedChain Because you're a glutton for punishment?



muchl8r Driving to work....Naked and Famous #Joy

weightwhat @muchl8r You should at least put some shoes on in case you have car trouble.



duane_scott Two nerds discussing world of Warcraft in the hotel lobby. They're bragging how popular they are.. online. Lol

weightwhat @duane_scott Are you nerd one or nerd two?



duane_scott Have you read my latest post? Hopeful for Grace http://www.dscott.me/ALSo

weightwhat @duane_scott No, but have you read my latest post? Oh yeah, I don't have a latest post.



beckfromfrogandtoad Ho hum.

weightwhat @beckfromfrogandtoad Why is the ho humming?

beckfromfrogandtoad @weightwhat I'm not sure I should answer that question.



br8kthru Had a great family dinner with cracker chicken. And no, for those wondering, that doesn't mean 'chicken for white people.' :)

weightwhat @br8kthru Wait. So does that mean you shouldn't have been eating it?



TheRustedChain So me! RT@TheNextMartha: It's not xmas until you're running around looking for that gift you know exists and hid.....somewhere.

weightwhat @TheRustedChain This is the first year that I haven't lost a gift! Clearly it's the end of the world.



WinLiannefield Best part of Christmas being over? Stinking elf is GONE. #SoMuchWork

weightwhat @WinLiannefield What about grumpy elf? Is he gone? Or publicly inappropriate elf? I miss it when he's gone.



saphyreplatypus Truth. ;-) RT @ahockley Merry Christmas. Twitter friends are gifts. Weird gifts at times, but gifts nonetheless.

weightwhat @saphyreplatypus What are you trying to say?

saphyreplatypus @weightwhat *innocent whistling* 0:-)



weightwhat FAIR WARNING: The following statement could cause shock and awe: I might just do a twitter ho-down post on Friday. Hey, you were warned.

saphyreplatypus @weightwhat *faints from shock and anticipation*



katdish I know I've said this before, but it bears repeating: I love caller ID. Who knew there were so many people I didn't want to talk to?

weightwhat @katdish Stop avoiding my calls!

katdish @weightwhat BUSTED!



weightwhat I love pumpkin spice coffee creamer. And yes, if I wasn't married, I'd marry it. If only it would ask me.

RedClayDiaries @weightwhat Funny, I was just sipping some & thinking how much I loved it. But you can't marry it. I saw it first.

weightwhat @RedClayDiaries I will cut you.

The ones that are even longer

SarahBeeC Seems the (still)drunk drivers of this morning are hangover and cranky on their drive home now.

weightwhat @SarahBeeC You should honk at them. They'd like that.

SarahBeeC @weightwhat Oooh, wish I'd thought of that.

weightwhat @SarahBeeC Perhaps you should constantly be asking yourself, "What would Wendy do?" I am a moral compass, you know.



okiewife @weightwhat And good morning to you too. I've been busier than a long-tailed cat in a roomful of rocking chairs this a.m. as usual for Mon.

weightwhat @okiewife What's up with that? You should sit down and drink some coffee. And maybe have a doughnut.

okiewife weightwhat I'd darn sure eat a Twinkie if there was one in the house. See why I don't buy things like that?

weightwhat @okiewife But sometimes you just need a Twinkie. Or a Ding Dong. Or an entire package of Ho-Ho's.



weightwhat @WritingJoy Well, I'm okay, but my jammies are not happy with me. Something about missing out on quality time. And you?

WritingJoy @weightwhat spending quality time with swimsuit and wishing for more time with a book and less bickery time with kids. Bleck.

weightwhat @WritingJoy Sounds like you need a velcro wall and duct tape.

WritingJoy @weightwhat to think I was content to settle for ear plugs and a Coke. I was dreaming too small.



katdish Advice to my dog on our morning walk: You can't pee on everything.

kelybreez @katdish I heard your dog say, "Oh, yeah? Watch this!"

katdish @kelybreez He certainly tries to pee on everything.

weightwhat @katdish @kelybreez Some things just really need peeing on.



Helenatrandom @weightwhat How is your end of taking over the world coming along?

weightwhat @Helenatrandom It's slow going over here. Why are people resisting me when clearly I'm right?

Helenatrandom @weightwhat I've asked myself the same question MANY times....

weightwhat @Helenatrandom If people would just follow us blindly, like they should, things would go much more smoothly.



WritingJoy It's whine o'clock. Which means it's wine o'clock.

weightwhat @WritingJoy I can bring the cheese. Boy, can I.

WritingJoy @weightwhat but do you cut the cheese?

weightwhat @WritingJoy Often. And with gusto.



TheRustedChain There is some really good Christmas music out there. So WHY do radio stations insist on playing the terrible stuff??

weightwhat @TheRustedChain I know! I haven't heard "I Farted on Santa's Lap" once this year! *snort*

TheRustedChain @weightwhat You... I... Ummm.. You deserve an award for always leaving me speechless.

RobinMArnold Confession: This morning I prayed the scale in my doctor's office goes on the fritz.

weightwhat @RobinMArnold Let us know how that works out for you. ;o)

RobinMArnold @weightwhat I'm pretty sure a lecture is in order but not looking forward to it at all!

weightwhat @RobinMArnold The scale is going to lecture you?! I'd be praying for it to be on the fritz, too.

saphyreplatypus   ETA +3 days. This kid must really want to be fashionably late. #wheneveryouareready

weightwhat @saphyreplatypus Because you'll be induced in 3 days?

saphyreplatypus @weightwhat currently 3 days past due, but doc does want to induce new years day if kid hasn't made own arrangements by then

weightwhat @saphyreplatypus Just need to make sure you keep your legs crossed until Friday. You wouldn't want to miss the ho-down. #priorities

And the 'why don't you just post the whole conversation' ones

Helenatrandom @weightwhat Thanks Wendy! And now is an excellent tine to take over the world~!

weightwhat @Helenatrandom I thought it might be.

Helenatrandom @weightwhat Do you have time though, what with your new job and all?

weightwhat @Helenatrandom I'm very busy and important now, but I will always make time to take over the world with you.

Helenatrandom @weightwhat You are such a good friend!

weightwhat @Helenatrandom Yes. Yes I am.



saphyreplatypus Woohoo! Down 20lbs, now only *hmrhr* left to go! ;-)

weightwhat @saphyreplatypus Congrats!!!

saphyreplatypus @weightwhat it is amazing what walking around with squirrels in my pants has done for my weight loss!

weightwhat @saphyreplatypus You should write a book about it. You'd make millions.

saphyreplatypus @weightwhat ooh, totally! "Squirrels In My Pants: a platypus' guide to weight loss"

weightwhat @saphyreplatypus You will send me a signed copy, right?

@WritingJoy @weightwhat  I think of you every time I wear pajamas to the bus stop. #EmbarrassinglyFrequent

weightwhat   @WritingJoy How else can one show off their new snowman jammie bottoms?

WritingJoy @weightwhat holy-heck-have-you-been-spying-on-me?!?! #NotBadAtAll #GotTheNeighborsToDoItToo

weightwhat  @WritingJoy I admit to nothing.

WritingJoy  @weightwhat you should be proud of spreading your pjs-to-the-bus-stop ways all the way to Ohio.

weightwhat  @WritingJoy It's a good start. I plan on going worldwide with it. Everybody's gotta have a dream.



katdish Writing a post about less than winning Christmas presents & wondering if the offending parties read my blog...

weightwhat @katdish Are you saying you don't like the stuffed clown I sent you?


katdish @weightwhat check this out

weightwhat @katdish GAAAAAAA!!!!!

weightwhat @katdish Wow. Your family must really hate you.

And now, for an added bonus...

First, head over to @kelybreez's blog to read his lovely post about Christmas lights.  Go on.  Read it and then come back.  Trust me.

Done?  If you took the time to read the comments, too, you'd see that @Helenatrandom and I cannot be contained on twitter alone...

weightwhat - Christmas Icicle Lights - "Now you, too, can learn to talk like a drunken sailor!" Same holds true for me for putting decorations on the Christmas tree. Every year it causes huge arguments and elevated blood pressure. Which is why my tree has been up for a week and hasn't got an ornament on it yet. I think it might look better that way.     

Helenatrandom - Our only lights are on the Christmas tree and Christmas wreath. My husband's sanity is precious to me. :-) We do strategically place both in the window so they can be enjoyed from outside as well, though.

weightwhat - I have a leg lamp strategically placed in my front window. But I never take it down. It's a valuable prize.     

kelybreez - A major award. When it arrived, was it marked with a French word... "Fragile"?     

weightwhat - How did you know? Have you been spying on me again?     

Helenatrandom - We're too poor for a leg lamp. Bob and I take turns with our leg help up to the window with a pant leg pulled up high.     

weightwhat - And a flashlight in your hand?     

Helenatrandom - OOOO! That WOULD add a touch of class, now wouldn't it? Thanks Wendy!     

weightwhat - I do what I can.     

kelybreez - You ladies have definitely lost control, taken over my comment stream, and effused.

I'm honored.

Congratulations!  You made it through!  Maybe you should go take a nap now.  You're not looking so good...