My family has been pestering me to start writing on my blog again. Can you believe that my family would do that to me? I mean, sure, my blog has been all sad and lonely. Again. But I've been busy! You know, doing... stuff. Important stuff. Stuff that I'm trying to remember doing.
And if that's not enough, they're trying to tell me what I should write about. They're very demanding. The complaint is that my blog tagline is "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Weight Loss," but there's very little "pursuit" being pursued on my blog. In my real life, you know, the one where I'm doing all this important stuff that I can't seem to remember, there's been plenty of pursuing going on. I've actually dropped a lot of weight. And I'm still dropping. After taking a long break, that is. Anyway, more about that another time.
Today I'm going to share about how my life has imitated a Progresso Soup commercial.
Not too long ago, I jumped back on the weightloss wagon and I've been doing well. I called my husband at work to brag about my accomplishments and it went something like this:
Me: I've lost 20 lbs. in the last 4 weeks! Him: Uh, is that good? Me: YES! That's good! Him: Ummmm... Me: Is there a woman there I can talk to?
See? Life imitates art. My life, anyway. Men. Hmph.
I know. It's been a long time since I've written a Life is Funny post. I guess my life just hasn't been all that entertaining lately. But this weekend, I had a "why doesn't this happen to anyone else" kind of experience.
I became a pirate for a day.
Okay, that's not what brings up the whole "why" question. I'm sure lots of people become pirates for a day. My story starts at how it happened.
The offender
Oh sure. It looks all innocent. And no, I'm not allergic to peanuts. I was just sitting there, minding my own business, shelling and eating peanuts. That's when it happened. The peanut attacked. As I cracked a shell, a piece of it came flying at me and went straight for my eye. Who knew peanut shells had such good aim? But it managed to lodge itself in my eye nicely. Try as I might, it didn't seem to want to come out. So off to the urgent care I went.
Apparently, peanut shell attacks are not all that common. No one at the urgent care had ever heard of it. And my telling of the story brought stunned silence followed by giggles. And yes, even the doctor, who looked to be in his mid-70's, was not immune to the giggling. Yeah. I'm a medical oddity.
Turns out I scratched the heck out of my eye. And that, dear friends, is what led me to piracy. I got to wear a giant eye patch until this morning.
My ever supportive family felt the need to point and laugh at me all day. There were mentions of me needing a hat and a parrot. I should have made them walk the plank.
Will this stop me from eating peanuts in the future? Nope. But next time, I'll be more prepared...
Happy Groundhog's Day! Sorry anti-winter folks, but Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow this morning - 6 more weeks of winter! But isn't winter supposed to be around 6 more weeks anyway? At least, that's what my calendar says.
While I love winter, I know a lot of you out there don't. Some people, not to mention any names (my mom), threaten to head south at the site of the first snowflake. So for those of you who are anti-winterites, I give you the following post...
Groundhog Revenge
Oh sure, Mr. Groundhog. You look all cute poking your head out of your little hole in the ground. You harbinger of evil!!! Uh, I mean, come here little guy... No, we're not gonna hurt you...
Yup. Groundhogs make lovely slippers.
And hats.
Running low on food for your pet snake?
Or maybe you just need a good home-cooked meal to help get over the winter blues. So, from the ushotstuff.com website, may I suggest a gastronomic delight?
Waco Groundhog in Sour Cream
Recipe By: "Indian Cookin'", compiled by Herb Walker, 1977
1 Groundhog, skinned & cleaned
1/2 cup Vinegar
1 tablespoon Salt
2 quarts Water
2 teaspoons Soda
1/2 cup Flour
1 teaspoon Salt
1/2 teaspoon Allspice
1/2 cup Bacon fat
3 small Wild onions
1/2 cup Water
1 cup Sour cream
Skin and clean the groundhog. Wash and dry and put in an earthen crock. Cover with water and a half cup of vinegar and 1 T. of salt. Let stand in a cool place overnight. In the morning, remove from
brine, wash and pat dry with a damp cloth. In a large soup kettle combine 2 qt. of water and 2 T. of soda. Bring to a boil, lower the heat and simmer for 15 minutes, removing the scum as it rises to the
surface. Drain and rinse the groundhog meat and cut into serving pieces. Combine the flour, salt and allspice and dredge the pieces of meat in the mixture. Preheat the oven to 325 degrees. Melt the bacon
fat in a heavy iron frying pan until smoking. Brown meat on all sides. Transfer the browned meat into a greased 4 qt. casserole. Arrange sliced onions on top, add water, cover and bake in a
preheated oven for 2 hours or until the meat is tender. Transfer the meat to a heated platter to keep warm. Put the casserole on top of the stove over medium heat and spoon in the sour cream stirring
constantly. Do not let the sauce come to a boil. Put the meat back into the casserole and simmer for about 15 minutes. Delicious served with creamed dandelion leaves.
Now didn't that just brighten your day? As always, I'm a giver. You're welcome.
Well, it's the new year. Now what? Oh, yeah. Make resolutions. I'll get right on that.
I've made it a point over the years to not make resolutions. But is resolving not to make resolutions a contradiction in itself? It makes my brain hurt just thinking about it.
Still, there are some things that I should quit doing. So after much pondering, and 14 boxes of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs, I've come up with the following list of resolutions for 2012.
1. Stop wearing clown shoes in public. I'm coming close to an age that a trip and fall could cause a broken hip.
2. Make my tin foil hats more fashionable. Function has its place, but we all want to look good, right?
3. Stop starting tickle fights with badgers. They're not that cute and cuddly when you get up close.
4. I will no longer create artwork with my belly button lint. There's just no more room left on my walls.
5. I'll stop blaming it on the dog. Who am I kidding? That'll never happen.
5. I'll no longer cause jackalope stampedes. Easy to start, not so easy to stop.
6. I won't try to order Snuggies from other companies anymore. Those Time-Life operators just have no sense of humor.
7. I will no longer try to get people to look at the end of their noses just to see if their eyes will stay like that forever. Apparently, my grandma was a big ol' liar.
8. I will stop carrying around my own personal laugh track. Turns out that stunned silence is pretty entertaining. For me.
9. I will continue to be a moral compass for all those around me. Now if I could just figure out why that compass keeps getting stuck...
10. I will constantly endeavor to take over the world with my friend, Helenatrandom. Oh yes, it will be ours.
So there you have it. I hope I'm not putting too much pressure on myself by making these resolutions. I guess time will tell. Oh, it looks like you've got something on the end of your nose...
I know. It's been a while. And no, I'm not dead. Only mostly dead. If I was all dead, you'd be going through my clothes looking for loose change. But true love brought me back. That, and a nice mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich. So enjoy!
The one-liners
weightwhat @duane_scott You will get nothing and like it.
I'm all out of half & half for my coffee. Let the wailing and gnashing of teeth begin.
"Lay down the boogie and play that funky music 'til you die." Words to live by. #WildCherry
First, head over to @kelybreez's blog to read his lovely post about Christmas lights. Go on. Read it and then come back. Trust me.
Done? If you took the time to read the comments, too, you'd see that @Helenatrandom and I cannot be contained on twitter alone...
weightwhat - Christmas Icicle Lights - "Now you, too, can learn to talk like a drunken sailor!" Same holds true for me for putting decorations on the Christmas tree. Every year it causes huge arguments and elevated blood pressure. Which is why my tree has been up for a week and hasn't got an ornament on it yet. I think it might look better that way.
Helenatrandom - Our only lights are on the Christmas tree and Christmas wreath. My husband's sanity is precious to me. :-) We do strategically place both in the window so they can be enjoyed from outside as well, though.
weightwhat - I have a leg lamp strategically placed in my front window. But I never take it down. It's a valuable prize.
kelybreez - A major award. When it arrived, was it marked with a French word... "Fragile"?
weightwhat - How did you know? Have you been spying on me again?
Helenatrandom - We're too poor for a leg lamp. Bob and I take turns with our leg help up to the window with a pant leg pulled up high.
weightwhat - And a flashlight in your hand?
Helenatrandom - OOOO! That WOULD add a touch of class, now wouldn't it? Thanks Wendy!
weightwhat - I do what I can.
kelybreez - You ladies have definitely lost control, taken over my comment stream, and effused.
I'm honored.
Congratulations! You made it through! Maybe you should go take a nap now. You're not looking so good...
What could possible bring me out of hiding to post something on my blog? I'm sure that anyone who knows me would know that it must be something really important. Okay, who are we kidding?
The following article from the Corvallis Gazette Times was brought to my attention by my Twitter friend saphyreplatypus. Being that I'm a giver, I just had to pass it along. You're welcome.
MONROE, Ore. -- The thing to do if a squirrel runs up your leg is probably not to aim a .22-caliber rifle at it and pull the trigger.
A Benton County, Ore., sheriff's officer says a 36-year-old Monroe man told deputies he was startled by a squirrel that ran up his left leg so he fired at it but hit his foot instead.
Sheriff's Capt. Greg Ridler tells the Corvallis Gazette-Times that deputies contacted Ethan Bennett at Good Samaritan Regional Medical Center and learned the story of the gunshot wound.
Bennett was treated and released. He declined to comment about the Nov. 23 incident.
Today marks the 2 year anniversary of the death of one beloved by all of us - the Taco Bell Chihuahua. So today, I'm doing a repost of the memorial post I wrote for him/her at the time of his/her death. So drop your chalupa and read on... And could someone please pass the hot sauce?
Strange things happen when I can't come up with a blog topic. This evening I decided to put out a request for topics to my Twitter friends. Yeah, it came down to the Taco Bell Chihuahua. In case you were wondering, I'll be making this up as I go along. I don't know that there's any real way to prepare for something like this...
Oh Taco Bell Chihuahua, we hardly knew ye. Who knew that you were really a female dog named Gidget? It's an odd coincidence that my dog is named Gidget... Anyway, back to you, you cross-dressing doggie spokesperson. Your presence in television commercials back in the day made us want to run out and buy burritos, tacos and anything else you were pushing at us. Who could resist lines like, "¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!" and "Hey! Drop the chalupa!" Okay, truth be told, I was more likely to hit up Del Taco because I just like them better. But I was totally there for you when Taco Bell put out the talking Chihuahua replicas of you! Try as I might, I was only able to collect 2 of the 4 talking dogs. My life has never been fully complete since then. Sure, I could go on ebay and try to purchase the missing toys, but your sudden and untimely death is sure to put those out of my price range now. I may need to make a shrine out of the 2 dogs I have and the collection of hot sauce packets I've stolen over the years. I'll wipe my tears with the stack of Taco Bell napkins in the glove compartment of my car. I might even make a midnight run for the border. And it's all for you, you taquito-sized mascot of the late night munchies. I'll miss you!
Sources close to me (my 7 year old daughter who is standing right here) tell me that the following was the Taco Bell Chihuahua's favorite joke:
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver and cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me." The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?" "Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle,"I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says.... "Liver alone. Cheese mine."
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