Gone with the Tweet

The one-liners

Twitter is the adult way of having imaginary friends. (RT@GeneralGrevious)

I've developed positive feelings towards my captors. Love you, couch and Cheetos. (RT @badbanana)

Did you know that friskie originally meant "to fart silently?" I didn't until Sarah's mom learned it while reading a book. Read to achieve! (RT @jewda4)

What's the purpose of cookie jars? Who has cookies that stick around that long? #whyishouldnotbeleftaloneontwitter

Hey! When did I grow hair on my big toes? #whyishouldnotbeleftaloneontwitter

I was thinking I'd like to be eccentric in my old age. Look who's an overachiever. #whyishouldnotbeleftaloneontwitter

My new diet is heavy on local, seasonal foods. Mostly Valentine's Day candy from the Walgreens down the street. (RT @badbanana)

I asked my daughter to bring her books upstairs. This just in: It's the end of the world.

I'm craving a bowl of cereal, but I'm out of milk. Yup, my life's become one of those commercials.

iaminigomontoya @weightwhat I just work for Vizzini to pay the bills. There's not a lot of money in revenge.

iaminigomontoya @weightwhat I know something you don't know -- I am not left-handed.

iaminigomontoya @weightwhat You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

iaminigomontoya @weightwhat You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.

iaminigomontoya @weightwhat Is very strange. I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life.

iaminigomontoya @weightwhat Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

iaminigomontoya @weightwhat I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand?

Just once I'd like the chip on someone's shoulder to be a Pringle. (RT @juicymorsel)



The ones from my dog

CrazyGidgetDog @ImAPennyPincher I've shed on pretty much everything here at this house. Want me to come do your house next? Like @weightwhat, I'm a giver.

I just realized that I haven't been dragging my hiney on the carpet enough lately. It IS the gift that keeps on giving, you know.

I've heard there's been a complaint (@Helenatrandom) that I never tweet. Hello? Do you know how hard it is to type w/o opposable thumbs?

Shedding - it's what I do. Thinkin' of turning pro next year.


The ones that are a little bit longer

stretchmarkmama Who *did* steal the cookie from the cookie jar?

weightwhat @stretchmarkmama Nobody saw me do it. You can't prove anything.



duane_scott RT @livitluvit: I have a zit *in* my eyebrow. #owwwwwwwwwwww / thanks for the update

weightwhat @duane_scott Hey, it's important. Let's try to be a bit more supportive here, huh? And by the way - I've got a zit on the side of my nose.

duane_scott @livitluvit @weightwhat I'll be supportive. Please keep me updated.



br8kthru Bowling! A special brand of sexy. :) http://ow.ly/i/7grl

weightwhat @br8kthru The bowling shoes or the bowed legs? 'Cause I'm thinkin' both.



kelybreez Tonight, for added spice, I'm wearing the leopard print Snuggie. Watching football. Manly.

weightwhat @kelybreez I thought you might be a wild man.



duane_scott I'm home from work. I'm just exhausted and borderline grumpy. Cheer me up? Do not send clowns.

weightwhat @duane_scott Too late. They're on their way. http://tinyurl.com/4fphtlh

weightwhat @makeadiff21 How's your morning so far?

makeadiff21 @weightwhat Very good. No whining yet!!!! The kids are doing well, too. Haha! And you?

weightwhat @makeadiff21 I'm waiting for my family to wake up so I can start whining. Yes, my whining needs an audience.



SBeeCreations Sadly, I have just realized that I've been wearing my DH's dress pants all day. At work. Yeah.

weightwhat @SBeeCreations It's okay. It's National Wear Your Husband's Pants Day.

SBeeCreations @weightwhat Phew!



The ones that are even longer

ImAPennyPincher @weightwhat Talking to the hubster.

weightwhat @ImAPennyPincher Tell him hi for me. But don't explain who I am. Keeps 'em guessing.

ImAPennyPincher @weightwhat He knows of you. lol

weightwhat @ImAPennyPincher You mean I'm not that crazy friend you don't mention in mixed company? I need to up my game.



SBeeCreations Not cool. Pretty sure I've got a fever now. I can haz break? Going to have to decline football at the uncle's. Was looking forward to food.

SBeeCreations And I'm done whining now. I'm sorry.

weightwhat @SBeeCreations Really? That's all the whining you've got? Frankly, I expected more from you.

SBeeCreations @weightwhat What? You saying I'm a whiner?

weightwhat @SBeeCreations I'm saying your whining lacks zest and vigor.




Helenatrandom @weightwhat Good evening!

weightwhat @Helenatrandom I'm not sure why, but when I read your tweet in my head, you had a Dracula voice.

Helenatrandom @weightwhat That's good, because I was typing it in my Dracula voice. You are very perceptive!

weightwhat @Helenatrandom It must be that twins separated at birth thing we've got going.



WritingJoy I started a discussion forum on my blog. Will you stop by & contribute to the conversation? http://ow.ly/3FQP7

weightwhat @WritingJoy Would I do that to you?

WritingJoy @weightwhat Oooooo.... Why don't you just show me?

weightwhat @WritingJoy Okay, I'm sitting here staring at it and have no idea what to do with it.

weightwhat @WritingJoy And doesn't that sound like something that should be TWSS'd?



ImAPennyPincher Ever sit on the floor so long that you can't get up? Yeah me either.

weightwhat @ImAPennyPincher For me that only takes about a tenth of a second. Yeah. Can't get up.

ImAPennyPincher @weightwhat My rear end is killing me! Oh geez... just let me do it. TWSS

weightwhat @ImAPennyPincher *snort*



And the 'why don't you just post the whole conversation' ones

duane_scott Come to "Pleasantly Disturbed Thursdays Vol. 15" Thursday, January 20 from 12:00 am to 3:00 am. EVERYONE IS INVITED!

weightwhat @duane_scott Why is it from 12 - 3 AM?

duane_scott @weightwhat Pleasantly Disturbed? Does it say that? It's that whole day!

weightwhat @duane_scott That's what it says. It appears our disturbance must be limited to those hours only. Not sure how I'm gonna work that one...

duane_scott @weightwhat LOL. It is now updated to 12:30 AM to 11:30 PM. Can you maintain all your disturbdness in that time frame or should I extend it?

weightwhat @duane_scott My disturbedness knows no bounds.

duane_scott I know. Hold me.

kelybreez @duane_scott @weightwhat Oh come on. Her disturbitude is full time. She was saying there's no way to crowd it into just 3 hours.



CandySteele Oats with flax & chia, sunflower butter, dollop of raspberry jam, toasted almonds & agave. #starving

weightwhat @CandySteele You're having a chia pet for breakfast? Is it the chia sheep? Or the chia clown?

CandySteele @weightwhat It's seeds, before they grow into clowns or sheep. When life was less... chia petty.

weightwhat @CandySteele Such humble beginnings. And now they'll never live out their dream of becoming a chia turtle, will they?

CandySteele @weightwhat Never. Never will become garage sale fodder. That's a good thing, Wendy.

weightwhat @CandySteele Yes, but now you could have chia poop. Which is worse?

CandySteele @weightwhat The chia pet. Definitely.

weightwhat @CandySteele Not really feelin' the chia pet love here, Candy.



SBeeCreations @diam0ndhead94 ((jugs))

SBeeCreations @diam0ndhead94 crap. I meant ((hugs)). I'm so sorry

makeadiff21 @SBeeCreations Ok. I'm rolling on the floor now. My hubby is like, what is going on...

SBeeCreations @makeadiff21 I don't know. That was quite a typo. Dare I say it was worthy of @candysteele?

makeadiff21 @SBeeCreations I don't know, but obviously Wendy and Kathy and other snarky lurkers are not around to see it.

weightwhat @makeadiff21 Oh, I saw @SBeeCreations trying to hoist her jugs upon unsuspecting victims.



five_monkies Military School suggestions anyone?

WendyDarlingLtd @five_monkies No, but have you considered a velcro wall? ;o)

five_monkies @WendyDarlingLtd LMAO! Okay, now I need to know where to buy bulk velcro!

WendyDarlingLtd @five_monkies If there's no one selling it already, we should go into business! And the moms of the world would rejoice...

five_monkies @WendyDarlingLtd Definitely. That and bulk duct tape.

WendyDarlingLtd @five_monkies I find that a rubber mallet is good to have, too. A good whack to your forehead and you won't care what the kids are doing.

five_monkies @WendyDarlingLtd ROFLMAO! At first I thought you were going to say to whack the kids with it.

WendyDarlingLtd @five_monkies Oddly, child protective services frowns upon that. They clearly don't have kids if that thought never crossed their minds.



SBeeCreations The Sarah Bee Daily is out! http://bit.ly/gsKH57

Helenatrandom @SBeeCreations Hi Sarah!

weightwhat @Helenatrandom I'm pretty sure that was an auto tweet. :o(

Helenatrandom @weightwhat Her car is tweeting?

weightwhat @Helenatrandom Yup. She has one of those future cars, I think.

Helenatrandom @weightwhat I used to love watching Knightrider when I was a kid...

weightwhat @Helenatrandom I was thinkin' more Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.



weightwhat Ever have a fart that keeps going and going? Uh, yeah. Me neither.

ImAPennyPincher #Didyoureallyjusttweetthat

weightwhat @ImAPennyPincher #itslikeyoudontevenknowme

saphyreplatypus @weightwhat no, but my dog does #that'smystoryandI'mstickintoit

weightwhat @saphyreplatypus Oh, I totally believe you. #iwouldbelieveyoumoreifyouhadadog

fart_robot RT @weightwhat Ever have a fart that keeps going and going? Uh, yeah. Me neither. FART ROBOT APPROVES.



weightwhat Good morning folks!

kelybreez @weightwhat I don't know how "folk" I am, but good morning anyway.

weightwhat @kelybreez Someone's being difficult and it's you.

kelybreez @weightwhat I'm not listening to you whine, young lady.

weightwhat @kelybreez Are you going to put your fingers in your ears and say, "LALALALA! I'm not listening!"?

kelybreez @weightwhat ... No actually I can't hear you b/c I've got my fingers in my eyes so I can't hear your tweets.

weightwhat @kelybreez Like I said, difficult.

kelybreez @weightwhat Ppppppttttttttt!

weightwhat @kelybreez Troublemaker.

kelybreez @weightwhat Pppppppttttttttt even more vociferously!

weightwhat @kelybreez Oh yeah?! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hl8H-rm6kt4

kelybreez @weightwhat Ok. You win. I have nothing with which to defeat a defender on the castle wall, spouting such effective vituperations.

weightwhat @kelybreez You should never test me, never get involved in a land war in Asia and never go up against a Sicilian when death is on the line.



weightwhat I just woke up from a nap. You needed to know that.

kelybreez @weightwhat Why did I need to know that? So you could start in with the land wars and the castle wall storming and stuff again?

weightwhat @kelybreez I'm just trying to give you a fighting chance, Kely.

kelybreez @weightwhat How so? U defeated me soundly, & threw a holocaust cloak over me.

weightwhat @kelybreez I just want you to feel like you're doing well.

kelybreez @weightwhat Ooh... Extremely nice. That's the first time ever -- EVER -- I've heard someone quote that line. I've got to alert @katdish.

kelybreez @weightwhat @katdish Have you EVER heard anyone quote this one? That's going deep into the insides of Princess Bride, right there. Well played, Wendy!!!

weightwhat @kelybreez Why thank you. I love me some Fezzik.