Parenting 101 - Potty training

For years, one topic has struck fear in the hearts of parents everywhere: Potty training. It's just not fun. And it's a major source of frustration. Why, oh why, can Jr. not just sit and go? I'll tell you why. Lack of motivation. Oh sure, you've tried bribery. You've tried the sticker chart. You've even tried threats. But they didn't work, did they? No, they did not. Doctors will tell you that you just have to wait for little Tommy or Susie to be ready on their own. Well forget that malarky! I'm about to share the solution with you.

Fear.

Yes, you heard me correctly. Fear will bring about the desired potty use. It's simple really. You just use your child's natural fear of heights to work against them. Something like this:

You tell your precious little darling that since they have not been using the potty, you're now out of diapers. Then take your non-potty using child with you to the store to shop. Once there, tell them that since they're the ones using the diapers that they'll have to be the one to get the diapers. From the top shelf. Which they can't get to unless they are hoisted up there and left for a bit. Just long enough for the panic to set in. "Oooo! It sure is high up! I hope I can get you back down again!" Yes, the fear of diaper shopping will get your potty-avoiding tot sitting on the throne in no time.

"But Wendy," one might ask, "what if my child isn't afraid of heights?" Being the fount of wisdom and all things parenting, I have an answer for that, too. Two words for you: Krazy Glue. You're welcome.

Parenting 101 - The beginning

It has come to my attention that some of you out there are not yet parents. I figured this out using my keen observation and by reading the following letter:

Dear Wendy,

We are not parents yet, but would like to be. Can you help us?

Signed,
Desperate to Use Your Parenting 101 Tips

Being the helpful sort that I am, I will give my expert guidance on the subject. How does one *ahem* become a parent in the first place? The following video should explain everything very clearly.

You're welcome.

Parenting 101 - Shopping the easy way

There is a chore that brings terror to the hearts of most parents: Shopping. Why? Because they have to bring along little Tommy or Sally, maybe even both, and that's just asking for trouble. There's the whining, the begging, the tantrums... And don't even get me started on the children's behavior. But shopping is a necessary evil because those frozen chicken pot pies and L'Eggs pantyhose are not going to just show up on your doorstep. So what's a parent to do? Well folks, you've come to the right place because I have your solution.

That's right, the claw game. Just stick Junior into the machine while you shop. He/she is completely contained and they have plenty of toys to play with to keep themself entertained. Safety isn't even an issue because, hey, we all know that no one ever wins at those games. Stupid claw won't hold on to anything long enough for you to win. Yes, your precious youngster will be safe and sound until you get back. Once you're done with your shopping, just call for one of the friendly store security personnel to come open up the machine to get your child out. They're always happy to help! Yes, it's a win-win all around. Now go and enjoy that pot pie!

Parenting 101 - The quick fix

As promised, I now bring you the latest edition of Parenting 101. This one's a biggie because it's the answer to so many parenting problems out there. I know, I'm a giver.

Have a child who won't stop running around like a chicken with its head cut off?

Or a child who keeps getting in to things that he/she shouldn't get in to?

A child who just won't stay in bed at bedtime?

An older child who's been sneaking out at night?

Or do you just need some quality "Me Time" during which you don't want to have to worry about what the kids are up to?

Well parents, I have the perfect solution for you:

The Velcro Wall

Yes folks, this is the perfect solution for a multitude of problems. Just suit Junior up and stick him to the wall. Peace of mind is just some hook & loop away. You're welcome.

Now that little Bobby/Betty is taken care of, how about joining in over at the Life is Funny blog carnival? Like the Velcro Wall, it will make your life complete.

The desperate masses have spoken

I was going through the plethora (2) of emails in my inbox when I was struck by the cries for help from my many (3-4 including my parents) loyal (they had nothing better to do) readers. It seems that they are lost in an ever-expanding wasteland of parenting without my oh-so-knowledgeable Parenting 101 tips. Read on as I post an actual (Hey, it could happen) email I received from one of you.


Dear Wendy, Keeper of all Knowledge and Be-all End-all of Parenting Greatness,

I was thrilled when you started doing your Parenting 101 posts. I was dying of thirst in a never-ending desert of parenthood and you, yes you, were the oasis that saved my life and made me whole again. Your wisdom and guidance have changed my life and the life of my children. But it has been a while since you've shared your vast wisdom and experience with us and times are getting desperate. Please, please impart more of your bounty upon us before our children become the latest subject on America's Most Wanted. Help us, Wendy, you're our only hope.

Signed,
A Devoted Fan



Well devoted fan, fear not. There will be more Parenting 101 posts. I will share more of my amazing intellect with you, but I must do it in small portions so as to not overextend the reaches of your piddly understanding. Help will be with you soon. Clearly, my generosity knows no bounds.

Parenting 101 - A time honored test

Some parents have children that are risk takers. These children may be seen in emergency rooms everywhere. They're the ones sitting next to the haggard looking parents.

Some parents have children who are afraid to try anything new. You'll find these children hiding behind their parents legs. They may or may not have said legs in a death grip hold.

But what if you're a parent and you're not sure which category your child falls under? Well parents, there's a time honored test to find this out. Rollercoasters.

Just take your child on a rollercoaster and you will have your answer within seconds. If at the end of the ride your child is happily asking to go on it again, you've got a risk taker. If, on the other hand, your arm has been clawed to a bloody stump, you have yourself a scaredy cat.

I've tested my own child in this manner. I'd hoped that the child I'd birthed would be a rollercoaster rider like myself, but no. She's just a big ol' chicken. Of course, this hasn't kept me from retesting her every chance I've gotten. Oddly enough, I continue to get the same result. But I will persist, because it builds character. Both for her and me. But mostly for her.

Looking for more ways to build character? How about joining in the Life is Funny blog carnival? It'll be good for you. There's even some new posts there for you to read. Now hop to it before I take you on another rollercoaster.

Parenting 101 - Life lessons

It's time for What I Learned This Week over at Musings of a Housewife. And what I learned this week is that a lot of parents out there need my help.

It seems that parents today are lost when it comes to how to raise their kids. Just how do you raise little Johnny correctly? Oh sure, you could turn to the old standards like Dr. Spock, but didn't our parents go down that road? And look how we turned out... So I'm here to give parents a little knowledge. A little hope. You can raise a child with my help.

I've decided to do a randomly placed series called "Parenting 101" on my blog. You never know when it will pop up, so you should make sure to check my blog daily so you don't miss it. But since I'm feeling kind, for those who missed my earlier posts on it, you can find them here, here and here. Go ahead and read them so you'll be up to speed. The rest of the class will wait here for you.

Ready?

On to today's lesson...

Teaching Life Lessons

Sometimes children don't listen to their parents advice and do things they shouldn't do. That's when a good parent will step in with a life lesson that will make a lasting impression. Remember, go bold. We don't want little Susie making the same mistake again. Don't be afraid to resort to using chainsaws, flame throwers and such. You've gotta do what you've gotta do.

Now how about checking out my blog carnival, Life is Funny? Good teachable moment there involving a barbeque grill...

Parenting 101 - I want to be like mommy!

Yes, the parenting tips just keep coming here at Weight...What? It's a good thing I'm here to share my vast wealth of parenting knowledge for those who have no clue. Now on to our next installment...

Lead by example

Make sure you fashion your life in such a way that your children will want to emulate you. A wise career choice on your part not only leads them down the right path, but it also ensures that they will always have small bills on hand.

There's still time to join in on the Life is Funny blog carnival! You know you want to. Besides, it would set a good example for your children.

Parenting 101 - preparing for baby

Don't worry, it's not the Spanish Inquisition. It's just another Parenting 101. That's not to say that the Spanish Inquisition isn't coming... And in case you missed it, check out my last Parenting 101 post. Someone's gotta be a role model around here.

Caring for your child begins in the womb.

Yes, you should be worried about jackhammer noise hurting your unborn child. You should try to get away from that noise by going down to the corner store and buying more cigarettes. Gotta keep up with that 2 pack a day habit, you know.

Now how about checking out the Life is Funny blog carnival? There are some pretty funny entries so far. If Mr. Linky is still broken, I've put the links to the other funnies in the comment section. And while you're there, why not link your own funny story?

Parenting 101

Hi all! I'm back! For those of you who don't follow me on Twitter (although I have no idea why you wouldn't), I was out of town for a couple of days. I'll post more on that later. For now, I'm completely exhausted from my mini-vacation. My brain feels like it's melting I'm so tired. But since I haven't posted in a few days, I felt the need to put something out there...

May I present the first in a random series that may appear whenever the mood strikes me: Parenting 101.

Bedtime

Stay tuned for more in my parenting series. It could come at any time. Kind of like the Spanish Inquisition.

And hey, jump on in over at my blog carnival, Life is Funny. All the cool kids are doing it.