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You may or may not remember me doing a blog post about our chickens. We got them just after they were hatched and paid extra to "make sure" they were all females. Yup, we just wanted laying chickens. So we had our chicks and they grew quickly. One in particular, Nugget, grew more than the others. And was meaner. Then one day "she" started to crow...
Yes, there was a rooster in our midst.
After exhausting all ideas of places that Nugget could go to live out a nice, long life and coming up empty, we decided that he would have to "go live on the farm." Yes, that's what you say when you have an 8 year old daughter who loves her chickens. We'd tried explaining, as lovingly as possible, to our little darling why Nugget would have to go away and how he'd be much happier on a farm somewhere.
Then one day, my daughter and I were over at my folks house and the subject of the chickens came up. I told them that Nugget was going to go live on the farm, to which my dad asked, "Does that mean we aren't having a chicken dinner?"
GAAAAAA!!! With my sweet little girl right there! She then looked at me with her big blue eyes and asked, "Yeah! Can we eat Nugget?"
AAAAAAAAAA!!!
So much for protecting her.
Anyway, this weekend Nugget did go to "live on the farm." The farm is the woods behind our house. My husband dug a hole and buried him out there. When he told me about it, he said that he sure hoped that our dog didn't go outside and come back with a dead chicken in her mouth...
Which reminded me of a story. A couple's neighbors were going out of town and asked them if they could watch their pet rabbits while they were gone. They agreed and the next day, the wife went outside to go to the neighbor's house to check on the rabbits. She was stopped short by her dog, standing on the porch with a dead rabbit in its mouth. Mortified, she took the dirty and bloody rabbit away from the dog. She didn't know what to do, but she didn't want her neighbors to know that their dog had killed their pet. She finally decided to take the rabbit inside, wash it up then put it back in the neighbor's rabbit hutch as if nothing had happened.
The neighbors returned from their trip and the couple held their breath. They heard screaming and ran out to see what was going on and try to act innocent. When they got to the neighbor's house, the neighbors told them that they just didn't understand what had happened...
That rabbit had died before they left and they'd buried it in the yard...
Happy Saturday, people! It's back to school time (my daughter goes back on Wednesday), so it's time for me to pull out one of my favorite commercials again. Enjoy!
Now why don't you head over to Kathy's blog and see what's going on over there? I hear she has invisible monkeys...
weightwhat @sarahmsalter Nah, dog! We're just chillin' and listening to ABBA. Uh, I mean DJ Homey Z. Yeah. Like that.
redclaydiaries Of 2 sick kids, 1 got MUCH better during day, & 1 got much worse. Abby slept thru dinner & had a fever of 101. AND I think I'm getting sick.
weightwhat @redclaydiaries I told you that you shouldn't lick your kids, but did you listen to me? NoooOOOoooo...
weightwhat @billycoffey If that's really the case, then you'll just have to change your car horn over so it'll play @katdish's kid's school fight song.
Yesterday I read a post over at Michael Perkins' blog 'Untitled' in which he gave his son advice about starting kindergarten. If you haven't read it yet, why not head over and give it a read and a chuckle? Of course, while I was there I had to give his son some advice of my own. I'm a giver, you know. Then last night, I saw that Bridget's One Word at a Time Carnival topic for today is 'children.' Putting two and two together and getting five, I decided to broaden my advice to children going back to school. No, it's not idea stealing. It's creative borrowing.
Parents, why don't you head over to Bridget's blog and read some of the lovely posts about children you'll find there. No really. Just leave the kids with me. I've got this covered. Skeedaddle.
Are they gone?
Okay kids, let's get started. I'm sure your parents have given you all kinds of advice about school and what you should and shouldn't do. Well, I'm sure that's all well and good, but I'm here to give you the advice you'll want. The kind that will actually help you survive and thrive in elementary school. Why? Because I care.
If you do a project in class that uses glitter, make sure to bring some glitter home for Mommy. Moms love glitter. Feel free to spread it around so she can keep finding it.
Make sure you work on your drawing skills so that when back-to-school night comes around, everyone will know that that's a picture of your Daddy in his tighty whities watering the front lawn. Remember, neatness counts!
Boys, chicks dig guys with cool hair. Paste can be used if you've forgotten to put gel in your hair in the morning.
Girls, cooties ARE real. Don't believe anyone who tells you differently. And yes, boys are the ones who have them. The only way to avoid getting them is to yell "COOTIES!" as loud as you can while pointing at the offending boy. If you do get infected, Cootie Spray is very effective in getting rid of them. Go for the Bubble Gum scented and you can't go wrong.
Don't let this get around, but smooshed Twinkies and Ding Dongs are actually yummy. So while everyone around you is getting grossed out by them, you should simply collect the offending snack cakes and put them away for yourself for later. Total snack cake score there!
Girls, if your mom tells you that you don't need to wear shorts under your skirt or dress, smile politely then secretly go put some on anyway. Trust me when I tell you that you don't want to go through your day hearing, "I see London, I see France..."
Boys, it's never too early to start getting ready for your future career as an entomologist. Feel free to start collecting as many bug specimens as you can and bring them in to class. Of course, your teacher will want to see them, so leave them on her desk for her. And no, don't put them in a box. Bugs like to run free.
If you ride the bus home, try to sit in the bus driver's blind spot. Open up your window, then pull out the bubble liquid you snuck into your backpack. Load up the wand and then hang it out the window while the bus is moving. Yup, you'll get all the bubbles and none of the headaches from all the blowing.
Okay, that's going to be all for now. Wouldn't want to overload any young minds. Now kids, your parents are probably going to ask you what I taught you today. Just tell them that I said, "Stay in school and don't do drugs." The rest can just be our little secret. *wink and nod*
Yes, I know I missed last week's Life is Funny post. I could tell you why, but frankly, I'm running out of plausible excuses. But I'm back this week, and aren't you thrilled? If you did a Life is Funny post last week, feel free to link it up (along with this week's, of course) below. Don't want to miss out on these things!
We used to live in Southern California before moving here to beautiful Washington. We actually had our house here for about 3 months before we moved, and my daughter and I made the move up before my husband did. My husband stayed down there and worked a bit longer before he came up, then he made the drive up here on his own.
When it was time for my husband to come up, he loaded up his car with the last of the things that were too precious for the moving van, then began his drive up. Along the way, he made a stop in lovely Weed, CA. Yes, there's a city called Weed, and let me tell ya, they named it well. Anyway, he pulled off the freeway to get some gas and use the facilities. At the gas station, there were some unmarked police cars with unmarked police officers in them. So he pumped his gas and went and did his business.
*insert intermission music here*
Done with his business, he walked back toward his car and locked eyes with one of the cops as he did. As he came around the back of his car, he tapped his car's trunk a couple of times as he rounded it. Clearly this is deviant behavior, because the officer was out of his car, lickity-split, asking my husband if he'd mind opening the trunk of his car. So, my husband opened the trunk. And what did the officer see?
Yup, it was a fra-gee-lay leg lamp. Unfortunately for the officer, it was a bit dark out... The officer jumped back and my husband had to explain to him that no, it wasn't a dismembered body part, it was a leg lamp. I'm thinkin' someone doesn't watch enough Christmas Story. And that someone might have needed a change of underwear after that. Anyway, my husband got to go on his merry way. The leg lamp is now safe in my front window, for all to see. And an officer in Weed has an interesting story to tell his friends. Good times.
Now it's your turn to share. How is your life funny? Link up below! And hey, don't forget to link back here, okay? You wouldn't want to find anything suspicious in your trunk now, would you?
It's Friday, and that usually means a new Twitter Ho-down post. Ha! Not so fast! Since I seem to have been a little Twitter-lacking this week, I'm doing a repost. A classic Ho-down, if you will. Hey, work with me, huh?
sarahmsalter @makeadiff21 My grandma always said nice girls don't color their hair, paint their nails, or wear colored underwear. Times have changed...
weightwhat @sarahmsalter Except the colored underwear part. Only a hussy would wear colored underwear.
PamperingBeki Mid-day check in. Everyone here good? Good. If you need anything let me know. *fist bump to all of you* Back to work I go.
weightwhat @PamperingBeki I need a giant chocolate bar, a massage and a pony. When can you get back to me with that?
br8kthru I smile @ EVERYONE- really- but I'm thinking I should stop smiling @ them in the bathroom. It's weird. PS guess where I just came from
weightwhat @br8kthru It wouldn't be so weird if you didn't follow up the smiling by telling everyone that you're wearing new Superman underpants.
sarahmsalter @makeadiff21 Yeah, I'm feisty on any/every day that strangers are going to invade my "personal space" with needles & other "pokey" objects.
makeadiff21 It's never a good thing when a friend of your child runs up 2 U after school and whispers to you that your daughter got sent to the office.
weightwhat I sure hope my daughter does something odd today so I'll have something to blog about.
Well, thanks for stopping by! And remember to mind your underwear, huh? You never know when you may be in an accident and you don't want to be an embarrassment to your mother.
Am I disturbed? You betcha! Is it pleasant? Meh, I'm used to it.
I had to go in and get a medical test done yesterday. Yes, yes. My life is very exciting. Anyway, I had to eat an egg salad sandwich (blech.) that contained a radioactive liquid so that they could watch it move through my system. I got to watch it on the MRI screen and boy was it glow-y! And radioactive-y. Yeah.
Did you know that many police officers now carry Gieger counters to measure for radioactivity out there? Yep, apparently they do. So the hospitals around here are now required to give you a note explaining that you've had a medical test that includes radioactive material and that's why you're setting off their Gieger counters. People actually get pulled over for setting off Gieger counters. So I had my note to prove that no, I'm not a terrorist, just a person with a strange stomach disorder.
Of course, the story doesn't end here. My mind wanders...
So this radioactivity is still running through me. And what goes in, must come out. See where I'm heading with this? Anyway, I'm not sure what exactly caused the gaseousness, but visions of mushroom cloud flatulence came to me with every eruption.
And I began to wonder if radioactive poop would glow. Would my toilet now be considered a toxic waste dump? These are the things that make me think...
So if you hear any weird news stories about terrorists digging up septic tanks, now you'll know why. You're welcome.
Anyone up for some Saturday Silliness? Well have I got some silly for you! Okay, yes, I have hit on a lot of bodily functions lately. And you know what? I'm doin' it again! Sorry/you're welcome.
And if that wasn't enough for you, why not head over to Kathy's blog and see what kind of silliness is going on there?
redclaydiariesRT @mental_floss: Male Acarophenax tribolii mite hatches while still inside its mother, then impregnates its sisters & dies before birth.
sarahmsalter @redclaydiaries @weightwhat Okay, I dare say that I'm not the only female among our group that is colorful. So, why am I being singled out?
redclaydiaries @sarahmsalter Okay, I'll fly the freaky panty flag too. I'm colorful & not afraid to admit it! Feel better?
Okay, who's got something funny to share? C'mon, you know you do! How about blogging about it and linking up the the carnival below? Don't keep the funny to yourself!
Okay, so I found this article the other day and just had to share it. I laughed, then I laughed some more. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!
Okay, now I'll be needing some Kleenex. *snort*
Well, it's your turn now. Don't forget to link up back to my blog because I have a gun, and I know how to use it!
So I was leaving a snarky loving comment over at my friend Jason's blog the other day, when I noticed that someone else had left a link to the following video. I'd seen this video before, and had laughed heartily, but I haven't shared it here yet. Now, I will correct that little oversight. You're welcome.
Looking for even more silliness? Then you should probably head over to Kathy's blog and see what else is going on.
Yes boys and girls, it's the post you've been waiting for/worrying about! It's the Twitter Ho-down post! Feel free to applaud/cower.
The one-liners
weightwhat @sarahmsalter I'll have you know that my horizons are secure and I'm listening to ABBA.
The only thing that separates the twitter user and the crazy homeless guy shouting random things on the corner is an internet connection. (RT @breathe_in)
True & Shocking Tales: She poured her coffee then went to get the cream, only to find it empty. Desperation lead her to the powdered stuff.
I was just talking to @sarahmsalter on the phone. She said something then told me not to tweet it. Makes you wonder, doesn't it?
Tip of the Day: Don't try to dig something out of your eye after touching pepperoni. Trust me on this one.
Play that funky music white boy! No, really. Play it. We're all waiting.
The roof collapsed at our local community theater. Damn fiddlers. (RT @badbanana)
Okay people, this is your 2 day warning! If you want to be in my ho-down post you'd better start workin' it. I'll have no complaining later!
weightwhat @br8kthru - Warning! There are warming cockles in my comment section now! By the way, how are your cockles doing?
And the 'why don't you just post the whole conversation' ones
sarahmsalter Dear @weightwhat your blog won't let me comment. I'm rejected. Also I don't think there's nearly enough @br8kthru in today's post. Love, Me.
weightwhat @br8kthru If there's not enough of you, then it's your own darn fault. Yeah, that's right. You need to up your game. Man tart.
sarahmsalter @br8kthru I've got your back, Sugar Pie! @weightwhat's ho-down just lacks style, class, and vitality when there's not enough "Jason" in it.
weightwhat @sarahmsalter So, where will you be staying when you come out here in October?
Well folks, that's it for today. Make sure to tune in next week for more fun/horror. And remember: You won't see if here if you don't talk to me there. I'm just demanding that way.
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