For years, one topic has struck fear in the hearts of parents everywhere: Potty training. It's just not fun. And it's a major source of frustration. Why, oh why, can Jr. not just sit and go? I'll tell you why. Lack of motivation. Oh sure, you've tried bribery. You've tried the sticker chart. You've even tried threats. But they didn't work, did they? No, they did not. Doctors will tell you that you just have to wait for little Tommy or Susie to be ready on their own. Well forget that malarky! I'm about to share the solution with you.
Fear.
Yes, you heard me correctly. Fear will bring about the desired potty use. It's simple really. You just use your child's natural fear of heights to work against them. Something like this:
You tell your precious little darling that since they have not been using the potty, you're now out of diapers. Then take your non-potty using child with you to the store to shop. Once there, tell them that since they're the ones using the diapers that they'll have to be the one to get the diapers. From the top shelf. Which they can't get to unless they are hoisted up there and left for a bit. Just long enough for the panic to set in. "Oooo! It sure is high up! I hope I can get you back down again!" Yes, the fear of diaper shopping will get your potty-avoiding tot sitting on the throne in no time.
"But Wendy," one might ask, "what if my child isn't afraid of heights?" Being the fount of wisdom and all things parenting, I have an answer for that, too. Two words for you: Krazy Glue. You're welcome.
This week I had to go in for some medical testing. For the tests being done, I had to be put into twilight sleep. No, not Twilight sleep - everyone knows vampires don't sleep. But back to my story. So I was in twilight sleep for the procedure and when it was done, I was brought into the recovery room. As I started to wake up, a nurse came in and asked if I wanted anything to drink. She was then kind enough to bring me a bottle of water and prop the bed up a bit for me so I'd be able to drink my water easily. So I took the lid off my bottle and started drinking my water. It was all good.
Until I started dozing off again.
That probably wouldn't have been a problem if I had put the lid back on my water bottle. But no. I was holding the water bottle on my stomach as I slipped back into sleep. And the water bottle tipped over. In the most unfortunate way. Yes, the bottle tipped crotchward and spilled all over my pants. But the bottle was still pretty full, so it continued to spill through my legs and then into a puddle under my rear end. I was still out of it enough that I couldn't seem to move out of the puddle and just got a nice butt-soaking. I let out a yelp then started laughing and the nurse rushed in to see what had happened. I loved my nurse. She started laughing, too. But then she got me some sheets to help me dry myself off. I really enjoyed walking out of there with suspiciously wet pants. Ah, good times.
And now, for a video clip that nearly made me wet my pants spill water on myself...
So, how was your life funny this week? How about sharing with us? Make sure to sign up below with Mr. Linky. He likes a good laugh, too.
Wondering what crazy things I've talked about on Twitter this week? I'll bet you are! Lucky for you, you've come to the right place. There's tweeting all over the place around here. As always: May cause choking, gasping, wheezing, uncontrollable slobbering, bleeding eyeballs and disembowelment. If you are pregnant, or may become pregnant, I'm totally jealous of you. Oh, and you shouldn't read this out loud as the damage may be permanent to your unborn child, even if he/she is, as of now, just a twinkle in the eye. This blog post does not cause a twinkling of the eye and takes no responsibility for such. Other than that, it's perfectly safe.
The one-liners
Just as I cut my finger, I heard that a shark can smell blood for over a mile. So DO NOT answer the doorbell. (RT @linajk)
Good morning! Am I being overly optimistic?
I think that Panera ad just said, "It's amazing how complex this sandwich is." Can you give me a conflicted soup to go with it? (RT@MattTCoNP)
Okay, time for me to scoot off to bed. And by scoot, I mean drag my butt around on the carpet. Hey, I've got an itch, okay?!
Tomorrow, I'd ask that you celebrate a low key Earth Day so as not to make Wind and Fire feel bad.
And now, an homage one of the great movies of the 80's(Better Off Dead)
Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way, turn.
It's got raisins in it... you like raisins.
I want my two dollars!
Gee, I'm real sorry your mom blew up, Ricky.
Now that's a real shame when folks be throwin' away a perfectly good white boy like that.
A little bit longer ones
redclaydiaries I just wrote a post. The creativity dam is broken. Look out.
Well, we've reached the end of the post now.Feel free to move about the cabin. And while you're at it, why don't you see what others tweeted about this week over at Fellowship of the Traveling Smarty Pants? I'm sure it's safe over there. *crossing my fingers*
Happy Saturday, folks! I'm sure you're all wondering what really happened to the dinosaurs. Well, after extensive research (and a good search on youtube), I've found the answer for you. Please, no applause. Just throw money.
Just can't get enough silliness? Then head on over to Kathy's blog for more. Go ahead. Shoo.
If you follow me on Twitter (And why wouldn't you?), you may have noticed me mentioning that I'm considering doing yet another blog. Why? Because Weight...What? and Fellowship of the Traveling Smarty Pants just aren't enough to contain me and my multiple personalities my creativity. What kind of blog would it be, one might ask. Well, I'll tell one. A blog about making stuff. Whatever kind of stuff that pops into my head. 'Cuz I'm a rebel and can't be limited to just crafts.
But here's the thing: I'm thinking this new blog will be more normal mainstream than this one. So what do I do with my crazy ideas? Post 'em here, of course! Sorry/you're welcome.
So, you know how everyone is all up in the green lately? Yeah, yeah. Recycle, reduce, reuse. Well hey, I can be environmentally friendly. And what better way to go green than with Mother Nature, a.k.a. Aunt Flo? Because besides making me want to dance, that time of the month makes me want to do crafts. Recycled crafts.
Ladies, if you're like me, and I know you are, that time of the month makes me feel musical. And joyful. So what better way to express that than by making a pan flute?
Then you'll want to give a performance, right?
Now I've heard tell, though I can hardly believe it, that there are some gals who aren't excited about the arrival of Aunt Flo. While I may not understand it, I've got you ladies covered, too. How about a nice tampon shooter with matching bandolier?
Just notice the fine craftmanship! It's amazing what you can do with recycled objects and a glue gun, isn't it? And although I make no guarantees, you might just want to have one of these babies available in case of a zombie attack.
Now go get that glue gun and get to crafting! It's good for the planet.
Got something to share here at the Life is Funny blog carnival? I'll bet you do! Link up below with Mr. Linky. He loves a good linking.
Happy Saturday, folks! This week I decided to find something deep and meaningful to share with you. Hey, I can be deep! Okay, maybe not. But this was originally sent to me by Candy a while back, and she's deep. That is when she's not sticking her foot in her mouth. That girl is just a TWSS waiting to happen. Anyway... On to the video!
So, wasn't that something? It was just so deepdrug enduced emotional. Wow.
Looking for more silliness? Head on over to Kathy's blog and see what's going on. I hear she's got a Brownie Husband over there... Oh, and tell her Joe Cocker sent you.
Well, here we are at the end of the post. Still wanting more? Then head on over to the Fellowship of the Traveling Smarty Pants and see if anyone else did a Twitter Ho-down post. Can't guarantee what you'll find there, but that just adds to the entertainment value, doesn't it?
Welcome to another edition of the Life is Funny blog carnival! Once again, this post comes with a warning. This should not be read by the faint of heart or easily offended. As a matter of fact, you should only read this if you're a 12 year old boy, or have leanings that way. There. You've been warned.
I wasn't going to write about the event that happened this week, but it's been a slow week around here. Let this be a lesson to all of you: Keep me entertained! It's for your own good! What could be so bad that I wouldn't write about it?
I was putting my daughter to bed the other night, and for some reason, there seemed to be a large accumulation of, um, natural gas building up. As I waited in her room, it grew into a gas giant, so to speak. Since she was in the bathroom brushing her teeth, I seized the moment and let the flatulence fly.
Repeatedly.
Don't judge me.
When my daughter returned to her room, she made a horrible face and started making gagging noises. Which, of course, brought out the 12 year old boy in me. And there was more breaking of wind, to which my daughter yelled, "GAAAA!!! Mommy!" Unfortunately for her, the tank was not yet empty.
Yes, the vapors continued the entire time I was putting her to bed. And so did my daughter's shrieks. I don't think she appreciated the musical serenade I was giving her... But I was laughing so hard I was crying. I just couldn't stop myself! Of course, I had to leave her with more right before I closed her bedroom door. It's the gift that keeps on giving!
As I walked back downstairs, laughing hysterically and listening to the sounds of my daughter gagging for breath, I thought to myself, "Yup, givin' the kiddo some fine childhood memories here." Good times.
Okay, now it's your turn to share. C'mon, you know you've got a Life is Funny post in you somewhere. Let it out! And don't forget to sign up with Mr. Linky below. Just don't pull his finger. Trust me on this one.
I'm finally getting my Saturday Silliness post up. I've had a really busy day so far. You see, I was on my way to Costco when I was attacked by a tribe of pygmy cannibals. Yeah, it was awful. But luckily, I had my Swiss army knife with the special flame thrower attachment that our government has been secretly working on and wanted me to try out for them. Had me a regular pygmy cookout. With the queen of England. Yeah, 'cause Liz and I are like this. *crossing fingers* So I'm back now and here with a video for you.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go finish working on my top secret project for NASA. Then I'll be off to get my Nobel Peace Prize. Yeah, that's it. Peace Prize.
Why don't you head over to Kathy's blog now for some more silliness? But be careful when you're over there. Her site is full of ninjas. Tickling ninjas. Yeah, they're the worst kind.
Wow. I have not been putting in the quality time with the Twitter this week. Shame on me! Now who's gonna make your eyes bleed? Well, I'm sure there will be someone. Just head on over to the Twitter Ho-down over at Fellowship of the Traveling Smarty Pants for your weekly dose of torture reading pleasure.
The one-liners
Sometimes you just need to know when to get out the cattleprod.
"If I'm gonna be in charge, I need a cape. You can't do the job without a cape. Take me to the cape tailor." #sleeptalkingman
weightwhat @Helenatrandom- Yes he is. I just wish he'd stop dripping mashed potatoes and gravy on his white suits. Do you know how hard it is to clean?
Happy Easter! Or Happy Day After Easter (and so on) depending on when you read this. See how accommodating I am?
I kept seeing things online this year about making Resurrection Rolls to teach your kids about Easter. Have you seen them? It was pretty neat. You take a large marshmallow, which represents Christ, then roll it in melted butter and cinnamon sugar to represent His body being prepared for burial with oil and spices. Then you wrap the marshmallow (Jesus) in a crescent roll (linen) and put it in the oven (tomb) to bake. When you take it out of the oven and open up the roll, it's empty (the resurrection).
That is, if it all works out the way it should.
Let me rewind a bit. This week has been the spring break for my daughter's school. Being the supermom (choke, gasp, wheeze) that I am, I'd been storing up supplies to make homemade Shrinky Dinks for such an occassion. So my daughter thinks it's cool to stand in front of the oven to watch the stuff inside. Who could blame her with Shrinky Dinks?
Now back to the Resurrection Rolls. My daughter really wanted to put the rolls together herself, and I let her do quite a bit of it. But she didn't exactly get the crescent rolls completely sealed around some of the marshmallows. Of course, we didn't realize it until the rolls were in the oven.
And she stood in front of the oven to watch them bake.
And watched as Jesus melted out of the rolls. GAAAAA!!!
So it was on to distraction while I took the rolls out of the oven and tried to hide the melted marshmallows. Is it wrong to tell you that melted cinnamon sugar marshmallow Jesus tasted yummy? Anyway, I gave her the unbroken rolls for her to open up and find empty. I think I might have mentioned somewhere in there that Jesus didn't really melt. I can't really be sure. I just kept picturing my Mom of the Year award being taken away...
Now it's your turn! Do you have something to share in the Life is Funny blog carnival? I'm guessing the answer is yes. I mean, look at you. You've got funny written all over ya. Sign up below, huh?
Hey kids! Guess what time it is? It's Twitter Ho-down time! Yea! So grab your coffee, maybe a nice bacon doughnut, and make yourself comfy. And away we go!
The one-liners
Nike needs to come out with a chocolate bunny that's easy to eat while jogging. (RT @badbanana)
weightwhat @Helenatrandom No, he's over 18. Under 18 is a minor. We're just corrupting a young adult.
duane_scott @weightwhat nah.... it's my parent's house. my mother will never be satisfied until the house looks like Country Living or some weird catalo
weightwhat @duane_scott Yeah, that's what I was saying. Silly boy. And you really need to watch out for those weird catalos. Cataloes? Catali?
duane_scott @weightwhat CATALOGS! I ran out of 140 characters. i figured you'd be smart enough to fill in the blank.
Helenatrandom @sarahmsalter With a 4 yo, the answer is three times. With men, it is until they understand what you are telling them.
weightwhat @sarahmsalter Don't repeat yourself, it will only confuse them more. Just use a 2x4.
What? That's not enough for you? Really? Well then, head on over to Fellowship of the Traveling Smarty Pants and see who else has joined in the Twitter H0-down. It's for the children.
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