I don't have a problem...

There's a new blog carnival in town... It's the Twitter Ho-down over at Fellowship of the Traveling Smarty Pants! Why? Because it's time that even those not on Twitter get the chance to see our brilliance. And to lure you in. So without further ado, I give you this week's best of. And yes, I edited it down. A lot.

RT @Jerwa "Space. A frontier that several generations before us have explored, but they pretty much came up with bupkis."#1stdraftmovielines

@ofmercy - Really? I'm feeling like a brazil nut - odd and misunderstood.

What is this world coming to when people just can't be happy with cereal for dinner? And maybe lunch.

Because it just needs to be RT'd: @Helenatrandom "Everytime a dog farts an angel gets its wings." #1stdraftmovielines

@Helenatrandom - I think I may cross-stitch it onto a pillow.

"I am serious, and don't call me Penelope." #1stdraftmovielines

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing feet." #1stdraftmovielines

"Here's looking at you, middle-aged woman." #1stdraftmovielines

"I'll be back. Or not. My schedule is really full." #1stdraftmovielines

"Play it again, Liberace." #1stdraftmovielines

"Every man dies, not every man puts on tights and sings Cabaret." #1stdraftmovielines

"I'll get you my pretty! You and your little gerbil, too!" #1stdraftmovielines

"*click click click* There's no place like Twitter. There's no place like Twitter. There's no place like Twitter." #1stdraftmovielines

"Once upon a time, there was a stuffed bear named Winnie the Pooh. Huh huh. I said Pooh." #1stdraftmovielines

"Toto, I don't think we're in San Francisco anymore." #1stsdraftmovielines

Considering crocheting a doily out of belly button lint. #WhyIShouldNotBeLeftAloneOnTwitter

If you cross a Pit Bull and a Poodle do you get a Pitoodle? #WhyIShouldNotBeLeftAloneOnTwitter

@ImAPennyPincher - Unless your kids are saying, "Don't put that in your blog!", you're not living up to your full potential.

@heathergill - I admit to nothing.

@MistiPearl- But as always, I'm still waiting for a robot that brings me coffee to be invented. *sigh* Why can't technology keep up with me?

@Helenatrandom - And the cheese stands alone. Not to be confused with the headcheese which always stands alone.

@ofmercy - Now you have a better chance of keeping up. Unless @Helenatrandom and I start tag-teaming, of course.

@Helenatrandom - Yes, but my doily collar was crocheted out of my own bellybutton lint.

Every once in a while a seemingly normal person starts following me. I just have to ask - Why?

@ofmercy - Oh Jon honey, I wasn't talking about you...


@katdish - Hey, when the Twitter Ho senses are tingling, you've just gotta go with it.

@ofmercy - Oh, good. I thought we'd killed you off.

Oh! @Helenatrandom! I forgot to tell you that I saw a skanky man-ho the other day! Made me think of you. But not in that way.

@CandySteele - @Helenatrandom used antidisestablishmentarianism, paradox, modified, and juxtaposition in tweets!

@marni71 - Do I need to come over there and do a Prince intervention for you? Maybe exorcise a demon? Because really? Prince?

@marni71 - Out! OUT! Demons of Prince! I think we're gonna need a bucket of holy water.

@katdish - You missed so much today. @Helenatrandom and I were very busy keeping Twitter in business.

@marni71 - And our Twitter Ho status is secure.

@Helenatrandom - It's okay. I blacked out from the shock and when I came to, Twitter was back. Scariest 2 seconds of my life.

@CandySteele - You're not going to start wearing a flower pot on your head and calling yourself Trixie, are you?


@Helenatrandom - @katdish should be here. She's missing out on our awesomeness.

@PuriChristos - Don't sugar-coat it. How do you really feel about WalMart?

@ImAPennyPincher - Is there an occassion to attribute this debauchery to?

@PuriChristos - I think @katdish can be blamed for many people's descent into madness. It just seems that you had a headstart.

Ever get the urge to leave really silly comments on someone's blog just because everyone else is so serious? Inappropriateness is a gift.

Why am I up? Oh yeah. Twitter.


@katdish - Pathetic and sad, but social.

@katdish - You seem to bring out the oddest spiritual gifts in people...

I'm eating the last of my daughter's Froot Loops. She's not going to be happy with me tomorrow morning.

Doh! I've been caught with the cereal!

@marni71 - I told her that this part of the cereal was poison and I was saving her. I don't think she bought it.

Why, oh why, can't cowbell cure this fever?! Must need a bigger cowbell.


RT @badbanana - I'll be darned, that bag of chips did eat itself.

@Helenatrandom - Why are you always trying to put Bob's butt in other people's hands?

@redclaydiaries - Mommy, why are those lions wrestling?

Suddenly I'm feeling like I'll need to be especially brilliant this week. Or loopy. Whatever works.

@Helenatrandom - I think he'll be okay. He took stiletto lessons from Sherri.

@Helenatrandom - My motto is always check your zipper before leaving the bathroom. But that doesn't really help with pneumonia at all.

@PamperingBeki loves me because I keep her entertained. And make her shoot milk out her nose.

@ImAPennyPincher - Kind of like figuring out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Toosie Pop - the world may never know.

@marni71 - A topic... A topic... Okay, how about "Why I love Wendy and what makes her the greatest." Ready... GO!

Oh man! How can my dog live with herself?! Dog farts! AAAAA!!!

@Helenatrandom - Stop encouraging her! The angels should wait until my dog is outside to get their wings.

My dog has been giving angels their wings all day today.

@ImAPennyPincher - So which is it? Are you a pizza or a tart? We need to know these things.


@Helenatrandom - Okay. That would have driven me nuts. I know, short drive.

@ImAPennyPincher - You mean you aren't hanging on my every word? What's up with that?

@buzzbyannies - Don't you mean you love her like an evil step-sister?

@ImAPennyPincher - A bathing suit should never use less than 16 yards of fabric. Too scandalous otherwise.

@Helenatrandom - They call this modest? Her elbows are clearly visible!

@Helenatrandom - It's so hard being the only pure ones here on Twitter, isn't it?

@Helenatrandom - Do tell! I have a scandalous photo with the Colonel at a KFC in Thailand. Shh! Don't tell the other missionaries!

@katdish - Hey, the Colonel and I meant something to each other! If lovin' him is wrong, I don't wanna be right!

@Helenatrandom - Can I bring the Colonel? You can bring Ronald. We could double date.

@Helenatrandom - I don't think she should bring Big Boy. He was my first love and we had a nasty breakup. It could get ugly.

@ImAPennyPincher - I don't think the Colonel would like that. Burger King gives him nightmares. And the willies.

I just took "How long would you survive in a horror film?" and got: You're the first to die...!

@katdish - We live to entertain you. And to keep your husband from getting a good 8 hours.

@Helenatrandom - Oh Helen! You're just wicked! Who knew you were such a cheesy tart?

@katdish - We may or may not have been DMing about skanky ho's following us and plotting our revenge.

@katdish - A Twitter Ho's job is never done.

@RonWeasley. It's horcrux. Not whorecrux.

@HerbieGookins - We're always here for ya! Usually it's pushing you, but still, here just the same.

@Helenatrandom - BWAHAHAHA!

@katdish - Sparkly vampires don't need sleep.

@HeatherGill - Good thing you're watching it for me... I can only handle so much Grease 2 before getting over(under)whelmed.

@PuriChristos - No, you're not offensive or in need of supervision. You're just incorrigible.

@HerbieGookins - And you don't even have to dress up to go there like you do when going to WalMart.

@HerbieGookins - Yes, you can't forget the bra snacks. You'll need your energy for all the shopping you'll do.

@ofmercy - I'm thinking it's more of an outlet for our insanity than discipline.

@HerbieGookins - Good luck. And if the shovel fails, there's always napalm.

@HeatherGill - Mmm...Jello...

@HeatherGill - Are you typing with your nose again?

@ofmercy - Oh Jon. Have we corrupted you to the point that you actually enjoy us now? :oD

@katdish - Basically @marni71 is a big ol' loser for not reading and/or seeing Harry Potter books/movies. Good thing she's cute.

@katdish - Twitter. It's not just a job, it's an adventure!

@ImAPennyPincher - I love Waffle House, but not when it includes Death (aka Florida).

@PuriChristos - You may need to head to Walmart then since you're so dressed up.

@katdish - Did you lure him/her there with the promise of all the candy (s)he could eat?

I'm so hungry! Sometimes a bowl of cereal just won't do. Sometimes you just need to put a breakfast buffet place out of business.

Well that's something you don't see every day. I've got a former American Gladiator following me.

RT @Helenatrandom - @weightwhat I have my period. I've drank two glasses of scotch and honey... Give the news to me straight...

@Helenatrandom - Uh-oh! Helen's been drinking again! Good thing she loves Jesus.

Okay, that's more than enough for one week. Did you make it all the way through without your eyeballs melting? Now if you're really a glutton for punishment, why not check out the Life is Funny Blog Carnival? Don't worry, it's not nearly this long. Or odd.