Sunday, July 5, 2009

Life is Funny y'all


I've been racking my brain all weekend trying to come up with a funny story for the blog carnival this week. Yeah, I've got nothing. But will that stop me from posting? Of course not. Don't let it stop you from jumping on the carnival train either. If it's funny, we want to hear about it! I decided to go into my email vault and pull something out for you. Something silly. Something that, being married to a Southerner, seems oddly true...

Important tips for Northerner's moving South

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba." You have a 75% chance of being right.

3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.

10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

11. People walk slower here.

12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy." Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.

16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

24. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

25. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

Now it's your turn. Ready to play? Here's what you do.

1. Anytime this week, blog about what in life you find funny. It could be something that happened during the week, your general impression about why life is funny, or even just your favorite joke. Be creative!

2. Please put a link to my blog in your post. And I'd appreciate it if you'd add my carnival button (made for me by Andie - thanks so much Andie!) to your post. To make this easy, I've put the code to do so under my blog button on my sidebar to the right.

3. After you've posted, come back here and sign up on Mr. Linky below. For the first box, put your name and your blog (example: Wendy @ Weight...What?), then your URL in the second box. Make sure you link directly to your "Life is Funny" post (not to your main page) so we can all read what you have to say.

4. Visit all the other participants and see what they have to say, even if you don't have a blog of your own. And very important: Comment, comment, comment! Oh, how we love getting comments...

5. If you Twitter, please tweet about this - the more participants, the merrier! So go out and spread the laughter! I can't wait to see what everyone has to say!


Helen said...

I'm not familiar with the South (except what I see on t.v., which I don't believe....the t.v. shows Chicago as much less homey than it actual is to us..). The list was still funny, though.

Casey said...

I have lived in the south my ENTIRE life and this is so true! "Y'all" and "All y'all" are both said on a daily basis to my kids.

Oh and my brother's nickname growing up?? Bubba. He is now known by Uncle Bubba by my kids. :)

Nick the Geek said...

I would like to point out the south is much bigger than any single location and as such different dialects call for different grammar such that y'all may well be the plural form.

Further it should be noted that I'm a southern as they come and I walk freakishly fast to the annoyance of pretty much everyone else so there are exceptions to every rule.

The Homefront said...

Nick is right, y'all is a plural. Only a Northerner would think otherwise, because they are under the misguided impression that Southerners aren't bright. It might be because we take things slower down here...with the exception of Nick and those good ol' boys racing for the ditched car. ;)

Candace Jean July 16 said...

I thought I wanted to be a Southerner until the bacon grease. But I'm good with the rest of it.

Lianne said...

I can verify that much of this is true in Alabama. The bank VP in my town is named "Bubba." So is the guy who changes my oil.