Why you shouldn't vaccuum

Good morning and welcome to Saturday Silliness! The following video tickles me whenever I see it. You like to be tickled, right?

And because I know you're just all up in the silly, how about heading over to Kathy's blog to see what other funny is going on?

And you thought you were safe

You thought you were safe since I did a twitter ho-down post earlier in the week, didn't you? HA! You were wrong! Wrong! *insert maniacal laughter here* Now, where was I? Oh, yes. The twitter ho-down post. Onward!

The one-liners

Friend's back is out. How'd she hurt it? Trying on a pull-up Spanx garment. I totally empathize. Still I want to laugh like Phyllis Diller. (RT @Carolcdt)

Should I put the lampshade on my head now or wait until later?

Someone's delusional and it's you.

Yeah, yeah. I've got all kinds of humility. I'm the most humble person I know, and that's saying something.

What? No fanfare? Sheesh.

EEEEEK! A male! Oh wait. It's only Jason. Carry on.

#wookieleaks. Like wikileaks, only more Star Wars-ish


He wasn't going to Toshi Station to pick up power converters #wookieleaks

Those really were the droids you're looking for. #wookieleaks

Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's father #wookieleaks

The Death Star has a serious design flaw in one of its exhaust vents. #wookieleaks

Leaked Jedi Council memo indicates there is a Try. Senior Jedi Masters unavailable for comment #wookieleaks

Security footage proves Alliance whitewash over Cantina incident: Han shot first! #wookieleaks

A little bit longer ones

duane_scott I am buying a piece of fitness equipment. Its going to make such a nice piece of decor.

weightwhat @duane_scott Make sure it matches the clothes that you'll be hanging on it.



TheRustedChain Today I will be unique, just like everyone else.

weightwhat @TheRustedChain I guess that's better than being a eunich, just like everyone else.



TheRustedChain Some people take books when they go on vacation. I take magazines. I'm so shallow.

weightwhat @TheRustedChain I take fliers. What does that say about me?



weightwhat @katdish Chewing is overrated.

katdish @weightwhat TWSS.

weightwhat @katdish Well if that doesn't make you cringe, nothing will.



TheRustedChain Fact: I can pack for a 10 day trip in 10 minutes, while cooking dinner.

weightwhat @TheRustedChain Going to a nudist camp, are we?



duane_scott Anyone participating in Pleasantly Disturbed Thursday? Here is the button. I finally made it into code. http://ow.ly/2i5Qy @weightwhat

weightwhat @duane_scott Why am I being singled out as being pleasantly disturbed?



CandySteele @billycoffey I actually get to serve fried turkey legs to the 25,000 bikers coming to town. That's a lot of dead turkeys.

weightwhat @CandySteele Or turkeys in wheelchairs.

CandySteele @weightwhat Now there's a pathetic visual. #flopflop



katdish @marni71 I'm here! Back in the room. I was getting strange looks from people b/c I was laughing at my phone.

weightwhat @katdish Were you rocking back and forth while you were laughing at it?




The ones that are even longer

Nick_theGeek RT @weightwhat: Okay, what have I missed? // I assume @CandySteele had a #TWSS ... #safe-bet

weightwhat @Nick_theGeek She is the Pied Piper of the TWSS's, isn't she?

CandySteele @Nick_theGeek Nope. Nary a one. We've been talking about gardens. Difficult to TWSS a vegetable.

weightwhat @CandySteele TWSS




br8kthru @sarahmsalter Check your inbox :)

weightwhat @br8kthru TWHS

Helenatrandom @weightwhat SNORT!!!

br8kthru @weightwhat What's sad is I was thinking that too, but I thought "only a sicko would TWHS that" -now I know your secret shame.

weightwhat @br8kthru My secret shame in that we share a brain?




marni71 Our first session is "how to walk behind ur husband carrying a casserole" @katdish is SO excited! #echo10

weightwhat @marni71 Does it cover knife concealment and stabbing skills?

marni71 @weightwhat That's right after @katdish 's next session which is called "Submit Woman!"

weightwhat @marni71 Just checking to see if everyone (around @katdish) survived all the sessions today.




WritingJoy @redclaydiaries Right. Perfectly sane. Or perhaps you are like @weightwhat in that Twitter helps you feel normal?

redclaydiaries @WritingJoy If by "normal" you mean "not alone in my abnormality," then yes.

WritingJoy @redclaydiaries I'm thinking the law of averages figures in somewhere. After all, Wendy is here. #shescewsthebellcurve (cc @weightwhat)

redclaydiaries @WritingJoy Yes, actually knowing WENDY on the Twitter is what makes me feel normal. @weightwhat

weightwhat @WritingJoy @redclaydiaries Joy, what are you trying to say? Steph, thanks. I think.




TheRustedChain What are your favorite ways to keep kids entertained on a long road trip? (other than movies)

weightwhat @TheRustedChain Playing the quiet game. ;o)

makeadiff21 Hahaha. Does that actually work??

weightwhat @makeadiff21 It does if you use enough duct tape. (@TheRustedChain)




And the 'why don't you just post the whole conversation' ones

Schnik Why is it when i have nothing planned for the weekend, that's when i feel like i'm swamped?

weightwhat @Schnik I give up. Why?

Schnik @weightwhat I thought you were supposed to have all the answers?

weightwhat @Schnik I do have all the answers, they just don't necessarily match up with the questions.

weightwhat @Schnik The tooth of a Narwhal can reach up to 10' in length while their body can get up to 16' in length. See what I mean? No match.

Schnik @weightwhat Well, why the heck not?

weightwhat @Schnik It's a gift and a curse. It keeps people wondering about me.

weightwhat br8kthru You're welcome. Now entertain me.

br8kthru @weightwhat You want jokes or interpretive dance?

weightwhat @br8kthru Both please.

br8kthru @weightwhat How about a dance joke? Here it is: How do chickens dance? Chick to chick *wha-wha*

weightwhat @br8kthru Wha-wha is right. That was a stinker.

br8kthru @weightwhat I put a lot of effort into typing 'dance joke' into google. Sheesh! My efforts are so unappreciated (TWHS)

weightwhat @br8kthru Your efforts are sad and pitiful. TWSS.

weightwhat I'm back! Let the wild rumpus start!

redclaydiaries @weightwhat RUMPUS RUMPUS RUMPUS! (I'm back too!)

weightwhat @redclaydiaries Hooray! And nice rumpusing, by the way.

redclaydiaries @weightwhat I'm an excellent rumpuser.

weightwhat @redclaydiaries I always suspected as much.

redclaydiaries @weightwhat I try not to hide my light under a bushel basket.

weightwhat @redclaydiaries TWHS

WritingJoy @duane_scott I'm a dork. Borders doesn't have an e-reader app for Nook OR Kindle. Of course. They are competitors' products. #duh

weightwhat @WritingJoy Admitting it is the first step to recovery, you know. #goodluckundorkifying

WritingJoy @weightwhat Takes one to know one, doofus. #mustbethewinetalking

weightwhat @WritingJoy I'm making faces at you. #ireallyam

WritingJoy @weightwhat Do you have any advice for undorkifying, O Great One?

weightwhat @WritingJoy Yes, but it will require a monkey, a tutu, 20' of rubber hosing, duct tape and a spatula. Do you have those things on hand?

WritingJoy @weightwhat I have a stuffed monkey, a princess costume size 4T or a fairy costume size 2T, a garden hose, duct tape, and a spatula.

weightwhat @WritingJoy I'm sorry, but that won't work. The process of undorkification is an exact science that mustn't be tampered with.

sarahmsalter @weightwhat Disagree! Open up your horizons, Wendy! Woman can't live on ABBA alone!

weightwhat @sarahmsalter I don't live on ABBA alone (but I totally could). And you keep your hands off my horizons. TWSS.

sarahmsalter @weightwhat Hey, I let @Schnik open my horizons today. Let us take a crack at yours!

weightwhat @sarahmsalter Darlin', I don't think @Schnik is really all that interested in your horizons. #justsayin'

redclaydiaries @sarahmsalter @weightwhat GAAAAAAAA! Sarah, did u just tweet that? I guess this goes w/o saying: TWSS.

weightwhat @redclaydiaries I think @sarahmsalter is blissfully unaware of what she's saying. I think she'll be rocking back & forth in her closet soon.

sarahmsalter @weightwhat I'm talkin' about MUSIC, Wendy. Music. That's all. (@Schnik)

weightwhat @sarahmsalter Riiiiight. I'll just be keeping my horizons closed, thankyouverymuch. I'm being lady-like.

sarahmsalter @weightwhat My grandma just told me that ladies keep their ankles crossed. She didn't say I had to keep my horizons closed, too. (@Schnik)

redclaydiaries @weightwhat Yeah, well I'm CROSSING my horizons, just in case.

sarahmsalter @weightwhat Okay, I'm skating too close to the edge today. I think I'll go sit in the closet and rock a little now...

weightwhat @sarahmsalter See what wearing colored undies has done to you?!

sarahmsalter @weightwhat But I'm not, today! Oh, wait...

redclaydiaries The. Drum. Kit. Is. Here. Happy migraine to me...

weightwhat @redclaydiaries Clearly your life has been too quiet up until this point.

redclaydiaries @weightwhat Is that my problem? So these drums were sent by God as a gift for my quality of life?

weightwhat @redclaydiaries Yes. God's gifts are sometimes mysterious. And loud.

redclaydiaries @weightwhat Do God's gifts normally make ears bleed? #justchecking

weightwhat @redclaydiaries That's not blood. That's joy leaking out of your brain. You can't handle the joy!

redclaydiaries @weightwhat Are you sure it's not spinal fluid? Now I can't feel my arms...

weightwhat @redclaydiaries Perhaps you're being slain in the Spirit.

weightwhat @katdish I found a clown fail blog today and thought of you. Go figure.

katdish @weightwhat Do you actively seek out clown blogs?

weightwhat @katdish No, they just have a way of finding me. I think they're trying to get to you through me.

katdish @weightwhat So you're like some kind of evil middle man?

weightwhat @katdish Could be. Think I could add that to my resume?

katdish @weightwhat It's certainly impressive.

weightwhat @katdish Yes, and it's just one of the many gifts I bear.

marni71 @weightwhat I found that blog today too! It's like we were seperated at birth...

weightwhat @marni71 I thought we might be!

marni71 @weightwhat did you see the one with the huge carnival clown and the little goth girl? I cried at the nightmares THAT'S gonna cause.

weightwhat @marni71 Someone's parents must be so proud!

redclaydiaries @weightwhat How exactly do clowns fail? By NOT falling down or getting hit with the pie?

weightwhat @redclaydiaries Well, I'm thinking it's by not freaking out @katdish.

redclaydiaries @weightwhat That does make sense. That would be an epic clown fail.

katdish @weightwhat You know what would be really scary? A Mary Kay Clown Conference.

weightwhat @katdish Would they drive in in little pink clown cars?

Okay, now you're safe. There couldn't possibly be another twitter ho-down post again this week. Or can there...? *insert even more maniacal laughter here*

It's snot funny

I spent yesterday being disturbed. And no, not pleasantly. What could possibly disturb mild mannered little me? Allergies. Bad ones. Ones that make me don my protective headgear.

I had to go to Target yesteday to get reinforcements - another multi-pack of tissue (with lotion in it, of course). I thought I was walking in there totally prepared, having filled my pockets with tissues, but there wasn't enough preparation in the world enough to cover these allergies.

As my daughter and I worked our way through the store, I was quickly using up my tissue supply. I was a sight to behold with my red, chapped nose and my watering eyes. But clearly, that wasn't enough for me, because by the time we'd reached the back of the store, I was on my last tissue. Last tissue. In the back of the store. Far away from the restrooms where I could get a toilet paper backup.

Ya ever have so much snot in your nose that when you blow your nose it shoots out of the bottom of the tissue and down inside the v-neck of your t-shirt, sliming you completely? Uh, yeah, that never happened to me, either.

Target has all those scanning stations all over the store that also have a phone and a trash can attached. Well, they USED to have paper towels in them, too. Yeah. Used to. Stupid budget cuts.

I finally made it to the bathroom. It was a big cleanup job. I guess I should feel bad for whoever got that cart after me... And now I can't help but wonder, were the security guards having a good laugh while watching me on the monitors yesteday? Or are they now as disturbed as I am?

When you least expect it, expect it

Feel free to don your protective gear, because it's Twitter Ho-down time! You knew it was coming, so I hope that you're prepared.

The one-liners

Going to make breakfast now. That's right. All this AND I'm domestic!

I've discovered the ultimate pizza topping. Footlong meatball subs. (RT @badbanana)

DD just told me that she's going to go clean her balls. (bouncy balls) Resisted urge to say "TWHS" to her. Wasn't easy.

ADDerism - I would have a longer Attention Span if so many things weren't so SHINY! (RT @3stepsadd)

RT @Schnik "chosen for what oh great gherkin?" #randomsimpsonquote

Here's your problem - you've got it set to 'evil.' #randomsimpsonquote

I'm a member! #randomsimpsonquote

But it comes with a free frogurt! #randomsimpsonquote

A little bit longer ones

DaleChumbley It would appear the gentleman in front of me on the escalator didn't know someone was behind him... #atomicfart

weightwhat @Schnik Or maybe he did, @DaleChumbley. #justsayin'

Schnik Here's something new and different. I'll be wearing my "Front Desk Nick" hat today, so it seems.

weightwhat @Schnik Is that the one with the propeller on top?

weightwhat @WritingJoy I love twitter. It helps me show the world how perfectly normal I am.

WritingJoy @weightwhat Must be tough if it takes Twitter.

weightwhat @WritingJoy What are you trying to say?

weightwhat My blog post today has gotten quite a few hits, but is seriously lacking comments. Apparently I'm being read by the silent masses.

WritingJoy @weightwhat You've struck everyone dumb with your wit and sheer normalness.

weightwhat @WritingJoy That must be it.

weightwhat @br8kthru You're livin' on the edge there, aren'tcha Jason?

br8kthru @weightwhat I go over the edge when I get out of bed in the morning. You should know, I'm very dangerous #fairwarning

weightwhat @br8kthru Hey, one look at that sweater vest tells me that.

katdish I love automatic DMs after following people! Also? It's opposite day.

weightwhat @katdish Do you love them as much as you love zombie frogs dressed as clowns?

Schnik @weightwhat I've had a conversation about nipples and a separate conversation about headresses. I though about you. #justsayin

weightwhat @Schnik Why does that not surprise me?

weightwhat Don't look @katdish! Too late. She looked. http://tinyurl.com/23uy4su

katdish @weightwhat You are evil, Wendy. Truly.

weightwhat @katdish Who, me?

katdish @JeanneDamoff I've most certainly got the loon part down.

weightwhat @katdish You're a Loon? I always pictured you as more of a Blue-footed Boobie.

katdish @weightwhat That's Big-footed Boobie to you, young lady.

weightwhat Good morning! Please use small words with me - I haven't had my coffee yet.

lainiegallagher @weightwhat Super-cali-fragi-listic-expi-ali-docious!

weightwhat @lainiegallagher You're not my friend anymore.

sarahmsalter @redclaydiaries At 7:30, I was about ready to lie down and die. Right now, I'm just sort of pleasantly fuzzy.

redclaydiaries @weightwhat snort. I need a ruling on this one: "pleasantly fuzzy". TWHS? TWSS? Or am I reaching...?

weightwhat @redclaydiaries I think you could go with either one for that little ditty.

weightwhat Is 9:37 am too early for Cheetos? I think not.

WritingJoy @weightwhat It is never too early for Cheetos. Or is it Cheetoes?

weightwhat @WritingJoy Depends. Are your toes covered in powdered cheesy goodness?

SBeeCreations @sarahmsalter Did you know that @weightwhat was so bored while you were gone that she posted like 4 or 5 posts to her blog a week?

weightwhat @SBeeCreations Me? Bored? Never... @sarahmsalter! Don't ever leave us like that again! I can't handle being that creative!

weightwhat @sarahmsalter Busy day. I've been out running around all day. Okay, not really running. I don't run. I was out frolicking all day.

sarahmsalter @weightwhat You don't run, but you frolick? Interesting visual I just had...

weightwhat @sarahmsalter No, I don't frolick. That just sounds like I'm going around licking fro's and that would be weird. I frolic.

The ones that are even longer

Brian_Russell Sometimes... I'm an idiot.

weightwhat @Brian_Russell Aw, you're being too hard on yourself. Sometimes? I think you're much more consistent than that.

Brian_Russell @weightwhat thanks?

weightwhat @Brian_Russell Glad I could be here for you, man.

Helenatrandom @CandySteele Okay, now I have to go google body parts....

weightwhat @Helenatrandom TWSS. And I thought Catholics didn't do that.

Helenatrandom @weightwhat And on the Twitter, too!

weightwhat @Helenatrandom I'm shocked! My virgin eyes!




stretchmarkmama Breaking new records of unproductivity today.

weightwhat @stretchmarkmama Really? Are you dressed?

stretchmarkmama @weightwhat If by "dressed" you mean, "wearing something appropriate for a trip to Wal-Mart," then "yes."

weightwhat @stretchmarkmama Well, that certainly does expand the definition of "dressed" now, doesn't it?

weightwhat Coffee in hand. Life can go on.

SBeeCreations At work early this morning and coffeeless.

weightwhat @SBeeCreations Sounds like inhuman working conditions to me.

marni71 @weightwhat Amen and Amen. My coffee and I are gonna show Wednesday who's boss!

weightwhat @marni71 It's Wednesday?! GAAAA!!! I need more coffee than I thought.



weightwhat I just talked to @sarahmsalter on the phone!!! She's home and she's good!

weightwhat And @sarahmsalter got a couple of marriage proposals while she was there. She's like catnip to African men...

BridgetChumbley @weightwhat I guess we're lucky @sarahmsalter decided to come home. #meow

weightwhat @BridgetChumbley I think @sarahmsalter just leaves a wake of heartbroken men wherever she goes.



And the 'why don't you just post the whole conversation' ones

makeadiff21 @weightwhat I have never heard of chocolate zucchini bread. How did I miss that conversation?

weightwhat @makeadiff21 I don't know, but any time a vegetable is willingly passed through my lips there's a chance the earth will fall off it's axis.

makeadiff21 @weightwhat Hahaha. I have other friends who don't like veggies, either. We love them in this house. Sorry/you're welcome.

weightwhat @makeadiff21 The chocolate zucchini bread was really good, too! Who am I and why am I saying such things?!

makeadiff21 @weightwhat Haha. Ya well perhaps it's a sign that there may be other veggies you could like so long as they are in disguise.

weightwhat @makeadiff21 Whoa, let's not get all crazy here.

makeadiff21 @weightwhat Ok. I take it back. You weren't ready yet.

weightwhat @makeadiff21 You shouldn't make be break out into a cold sweat like that.

makeadiff21 @redclaydiaries So work a few hours this morning and then ditch it for fun. Sounds like a good compromise.

redclaydiaries @makeadiff21 U make it sound so easy. #organizedpeoplescareme

weightwhat @redclaydiaries Don't let @makeadiff21 fool you! She tried to get me to try more veggies earlier this morning. Still eyeing her suspiciously.

redclaydiaries @weightwhat She tried to make you eat vegies in the MORNING? That's going too far...

weightwhat @redclaydiaries I know! It's just all kinds of wrong.

redclaydiaries @weightwhat Between that & trying to make me prioritize, I'm beginning to think that @makeadiff21 is out to get ADD people.

weightwhat @redclaydiaries Are you ready to start eyeing her suspiciously with me?

redclaydiaries @weightwhat Oh, I've been looking askance at her since 8:36.

makeadiff21 @weightwhat I don't want to lose my ADHD card. What can I do to earn it back?

weightwhat @makeadiff21 I think you may be beyond help. Veggie pusher.

br8kthru @weightwhat Will we be bringing on the zombies today then? (we totally need our own language- that's what the cool people do)

weightwhat @br8kthru Of course we'll be bringing on the zombies! You know how they get when they're left out.

br8kthru @weightwhat I feel our language should be spoken in an Irish accent if that works for you...

weightwhat @br8kthru How about an Irish pirate accent?

br8kthru @weightwhat Aye, Irish pirate it be then.

weightwhat @br8kthru Yo ho ho and a bowl of Lucky Charms!

weightwhat @br8kthru Bring on the zombies

br8kthru @weightwhat And don't forget to stop and smell the apocalypse!

weightwhat @br8kthru I love the smell of Apocalypse™ in the morning! Now with bacon!

br8kthru @weightwhat I love it the morning, evening, anytime really. There's definitely a warm feeling, but maybe that's the nuclear holocaust...

weightwhat @br8kthru Oh, so you noticed the subtle nuclear holocaust undertones! Fabulous!

br8kthru @weightwhat Well, I have a very refined and sensitive palate.

katdish @weightwhat You can't trademark the Apocalypse!

weightwhat @katdish Why not? No one else has. I called dibs.

br8kthru @katdish It's our new fragrance...

weightwhat @br8kthru @katdish Now with bacon!

br8kthru @CandySteele Hey Candy- heard it;'s your birthday! Hope you've been having a great day & you have a blessed year. :)

weightwhat @br8kthru We should send @CandySteele some Apocalypse™ for her birthday, don't you think?

br8kthru @weightwhat Yeah, let's give @CandySteele a whole case! She'll just pay shipping. What do you use to ship Apocalypse? Hmm- Fed-Ex- gotta be

weightwhat @br8kthru I think you're right. Fed Ex it is. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NmZRDUO1wGQ

redclaydiaries @weightwhat Oh, it's clear to me. BTW, did u see how I cleverly posted to #FOTTSP on Twitter HoDown day? #bulliedbyanibex

weightwhat @redclaydiaries Whoa! And you did a blog post on your blog?! Who are you?!

redclaydiaries @weightwhat I am the Eyjafjallajökull of blogging. Beware the ass clown.

weightwhat @redclaydiaries You really are. All over Europe, flights are now grounded because of you. Bring on the zombies!

redclaydiaries @weightwhat I can't help it. I'm wearing Apocalypse. (I'd do the TM thing, but I'm too lazy to figure out how.)

weightwhat @katdish I offered to send @CandySteele some Apocalypse™, but she didn't seem too thrilled.

katdish @weightwhat What about a burrito fart vuvuzela mandle?

weightwhat @katdish That's still in production. We keep having strange reactions with the testers. Not that foot long nosehair is problem for most.

WritingJoy @weightwhat Wendy has a serious side. :) Thanks for the RT.

weightwhat @WritingJoy Hey, let's not go spreading rumors like that around, huh?

WritingJoy @weightwhat Your secret's safe with me. (Except that you DID retweet it.... to all your followers.) #notverysecretonTwitter

weightwhat @WritingJoy Yes, but they won't necessarily come to the same conclusion. You must remember, I'm followed by crazy people. #yesthismeansyou

rntammyp @weightwhat @writingjoy Well, I'm glad u were talking about Joy. #mademenervousforasec

weightwhat @rntammyp Not so fast, Loopy.

WritingJoy @rntammyp @weightwhat Last time I checked "people" is plural and inclusive, Tammy. Welcome to the Crazy Club.

rntammyp @WritingJoy @weightwhat My DH calls it "Tammy land". #myhappyplace

WritingJoy @rntammyp @weightwhat "Tammy land" has a nice ring to it. Unlike "Joy land."

weightwhat @WritingJoy Okay, "Joy Land" sounds like it should be the name of a certain type of movie. #brownchickenbrowncow (@rntammyp)

WritingJoy @rntammyp @weightwhat All right, I have to ask the stupid question. What is brown chicken brown cow? #homeschooled #sheltered

weightwhat @WritingJoy The family friendly version of an imitation of adult movie music. #youaskedanditold

WritingJoy @weightwhat I was guessing that, but didn't want to assume everyone went straight to the gutter like I do.

weightwhat @WritingJoy They don't?!

Okay, take a break. But be warned... There's more Twitter Ho-down to come! Muahahahaha!

Um, those aren't my handcuffs

Is your life funny? I'm guessing yes, it is. So how about giving us something to point and laugh at laugh with you about? Write up a blog post and link it below, huh? All the cool kids are doing it.

Okay, today's post is a re-print. Hey, you probably haven't read it, so quitcher belly achin'. That being said... Enjoy!

Gina (who is, sadly, no longer blogging) left me a very funny comment on another post that I can't stop laughing about. Go ahead and read it, I'll wait.

Done?

So, that got me thinking about handcuffs and it reminded me of something I did when I was little. My dad used to be a police officer, so of course, he had handcuffs. And what kid doesn't love to play with handcuffs? Unfortunately, I wasn't supposed to play with them. But they just called to me...

One day when my parents were out in the front yard, I got a hold of the handcuffs. And did I put them on my wrists? Of course not! I put them on my ankles. Tightly. Hey! They wouldn't come off! I knew that I shouldn't have been playing with them, but I didn't want to get into trouble, so what did I do? I hid under a table and hoped that they wouldn't notice me. In my young mind, it was a brilliant plan. It might have been a better plan if that table had had a tablecloth on it. Yes, I was caught immediately. Yes, I got in trouble. Maybe if I had been wearing a long skirt and just took very small steps... Or hopped... No, I'm sure that wouldn't have worked either.

Well, I learned my lesson. Don't play with handcuffs unless you've got the key. What? Did you think I'd say "follow the rules," or something like that? Nah. Too much good blog material comes from not following the rules. ;o)

The following video is probably a PG, but you might want to make sure there are no little eyes around. Less 'splaining that way.

Okay, now it's your turn. Bring on the funny! Then sign up below with your blog post. And don't forget to link back to here, huh? You don't want to face my wrath now, do you?

What do the Spanish Inquisition and Batman have in common?

Okay, so I didn't get my Twitter Ho-down post done yesterday. I ended up being out and about most of the day, so it just didn't happen. That's not to say that it won't happen at another time, but just like the Spanish Inquisition, no one expects the Twitter Ho-down post!

But enough about that. You're obviously here for the Saturday Silliness, and I'd hate to disappoint you twice in one week. Okay, truth be told, I wouldn't really be all that broken up over it. Anyway, I've got some silliness for you. I hope you enjoy it. If not, too bad. It's all you're going to get.

And because Kathy's back, why don't you take a look and see what funny she's got for you?

Sacrifices

I went on a little outing yesterday. I went to the garden section of Home Depot to hit their clearance racks and hit 'em hard. So I guess you could say that Home Depot is to blame. Well, I like to blame them anyway. Oh sure, that orange sign of theirs makes them look all innocent...

But don't be fooled! They suck you in and then force you to do evil things... Or is that just me?

At this point you may be thinking, "Wendy, what in the world are you talking about?"

Well, I'll tell ya.

Plant sacrifices.

Oh, yeah. I get sucked in and see all these lovely plants, greatly discounted, and can't help myself. I must buy them and take them home.

Then kill them.

It's not that I try to kill them. I just have two black thumbs. And I hate gardening. Oh, I like the idea of having a lovely garden, I just don't want to be the one maintaining it. Or even planting it. Yes, many of the flowers never even make it out of the pots I've bought them in before they meet their doom. But really? They'd die whether I put them in the ground or not.

Do the plants know what's going to happen to them? I can't be completely sure, but as I left the garden center, I felt a great disturbance in the nursery, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. Yeah, kinda like that.

Life is Funny - Death by 1000 commercials

Hey kids! It's time for another Life is Funny blog carnival! What's that? Oh. It's around the corner, first door on the right. We'll wait.

Better? Yeah, thanks for going before we get started. Now back to the carnival. Do you have something to share that's funny? Funny ha-ha or funny strange will do. Something that makes your life a little sillier? A good joke that just needs to be shared? Go ahead and blog about it, then link up below. You know you've got some funny in you.

This post comes to you today thanks/blame to Linda at 777 Peppermint Place because she brought up something I've been beating my head against the wall, trying to find a happy place, to forget. Yeah, thanks/blame, Linda.

Have you ever heard of death by 1000 cuts? It's a slow, painful and torturous kind of death. Well, my husband has created death by 1000 commercials. What commercials does he use to inflict this cruelty?

Yes, it's the horrible "Free Credit Report" commercials. My daughter and I hate them, but he loves them. And he likes to make sure that we watch them whenever possible, keeping a death grip on the remote. As if that wasn't bad enough, if we aren't in the room with him when one of those commercials comes on, he turns up the volume so loud that it can be heard from any room in the house. Yup, slow, painful and torturous death. It's just wrong that the first word my daughter knew how to spell was F-R-E-E. Poor kid is scarred for life. Do you feel my pain?!

Now, for something more serious. And because I hate those commercials with a passion. Getting your credit report there is not free. Big ol' scam to get you to pay for other things. If you want an actual free credit report, which federal law says you are entitled to, you can go to this site to get started. Seriously people? Don't fall into their little trap - it'll only allow them make more commercials.

Ready to join in on the fun now? Sign up below and don't forget to link back here in your blog post. Bad things happen to people who don't link back. BAD!

I'm going to go rock in a corner now.

No, it's not a bake sale

Hold on to your hats, folks! This is the 5th blog post for me this week! Okay, 6th if you count the one I posted over at Fellowship of the Traveling Smarty Pants. And yes, I think I will count that one, thankyouverymuch. But now, it's time for some Saturday Silliness. As if the rest of the week hadn't been silly enough! This one goes out to all the moms out there. Or anyone else that's just looking for something to blame it on.

Doesn't that just warm your heart? For more grins, why not head over to Kathy's blog and see what else you can find?

Twitter Ho-down - The Sarah Salter fix version

Some of you may have noticed that I didn't do a Twitter Ho-down post last week. Some of you are thinking, "Does Wendy ever post?" Hey, I'll have you know that this is my 4th post this week! Hmph. Anyway, I didn't put up a twitter post last week because I wanted to hold on to it so we could all have a Sarah Salter fix this week while she's still in Sudan doing the work God has called her to do. Of course, with her being away, she's not here to stop me from using the "Va-va-voom Sarah" picture that she's using on her alternate twitter account. Better to ask forgiveness than permission. And now... Onward!

The one-liners

I like exercising as much as the next guy. He hates it too. (RT @patrickmarkryan)

I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it. (RT@yerjokingnet)

Alright. I'll be back later. Yes, that's a promise and a threat.

The smell of twitter woke me up this morning.

Time for me to go wake the kiddo up so we can get going. I think I'll poke her with a stick to wake her up. She'll like that.

Scribbled on a wall in a ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere I go." Written below it: "I do not." (RT @funnyoneliners)

Getting my Abba on. I'm a dancing queen. In my own mind, anyway. Sequins anyone?

I may be biased, but that doesn't mean I'm not right.

I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.

It's so quiet that I can actually hear myself think. No good can come of this. RT @gilesmarie

Okay, I've gotta go help my daughter clean up the playroom. And by help, I mean threaten to throw things away.

Why the Old Spice guy can't sell every product. It's a peace/war thing http://ow.ly/2bAye (RT @MikeCanDoIt)

Gidget, speak!

CrazyGidgetDog Mom (@weightwhat) keeps threatening to shave me down. Think Dad knows she's planning on using his electric razor to do it?

CrazyGidgetDog Whine at the door - check. Chase my tail - check. Sniff my butt - check. Man, I've got a busy schedule today.

CrazyGidgetDog SQUIRREL!

And then there's my other alter-ego

WendyDarlingLtd @sarahmsalter That's it. Your hand is going in a bowl of water in your sleep while you're here. After I put a plastic cover on your bed.

A little bit longer ones

weightwhat @saphyreplatypus I must follow you because Perry the Platypus is your avatar. Hey! Where's Perry?

saphyreplatypus @weightwhat : ) gotta love a platypus in a fedora!

weightwhat @saphyreplatypus And I do! But I don't 'love' a platypus in a fedora. That would just be weird. And potentially harmful to my health.

weightwhat Alright, I'm awake. Now what?

TheRustedChain @weightwhat nap time?

weightwhat @TheRustedChain I like the way you think!

duane_scott I'm pooped.

weightwhat @duane_scott Nobody wants to hear about your poop. Well, except maybe @redclaydiaries. She's weird that way.

beckfromfrogandtoad Help! I'm filling out an application and it wants to know what I'm "passionate" about. "Sleeping" seems to lack zest.

weightwhat @beckfromfrogandtoad Call it "REM research"

SBeeCreations @SMSalter1 did you try clearing your cache after updating?

weightwhat @SBeeCreations I've heard that's not really good for you. But I guess if you get that not-so-fresh feeling...

weightwhat Just took my first bite of double chocolate zucchini bread. Not bad!

stretchmarkmama @weightwhat Oh, I love chocolate zucchini bread. Count it as a veggie!

weightwhat @stretchmarkmama You know I will! Not a fan of veggies. I'd count green jello as a veggie if I could get away with it.

katdish RT @lainiegallagher: @br8kthru Cheetoe Power!

br8kthru @katdish why am I picturing an orange-powder covered toe right now? It's more than a little disturbing.

weightwhat @br8kthru Disturbing, but tasty.

weightwhat I'm back. Feel free to rejoice.

Schnik http://youtu.be/lZLP0siJI-8 RT @weightwhat: I'm back. Feel free to rejoice.

weightwhat @Schnik And there was much rejoicing. Yea.

muchl8r A lady took a picture of me at starbucks today. She didn't ask, I didn't know her, and I don't know why #BecauseImHot??

weightwhat @muchl8r How are you dressed? Is there a new People of Starbucks blog we should know about?

weightwhat Okay, somebody entertain me, quick! You don't want me left to my own devices.

pagan43 @weightwhat Dancing as fast as I can... Your devices scare me.

weightwhat @pagan43 You've got some serious moves! And yes, my devices scare most people.

katdish Ha! http://twitpic.com/24zl6i

weightwhat @katdish That's the secret in all of my recipes!

jewda4 @katdish i find Jakob to be more disruptive than our animals now. if he's not hitting the computer, he's into something else he shouldn't be.

weightwhat @jewda4 Is it time to get a velcro wall?

heartcures Oops. I forgot to eat dinner. Skipped right over to dessert. SIGH!

weightwhat @heartcures And that's bad because...?

duane_scott @weightwhat why do u consider me the person who passed gas? That's rude. I don't do despicable acts like that.

weightwhat @duane_scott Right. You know, that cork in your butt will only hold for so long.

Ironic_Mom So, I want to start writing daily, doing yoga daily + walking daily. Any advice? Clone myself? Lose the kids? Retire?

weightwhat @Ironic_Mom A rubber mallet to the forehead should clear that up.

Nick_theGeek @weightwhat have I made a single ho down in the last 2 months?

weightwhat @Nick_theGeek I think I've only done a single Ho-down in the last 2 months.



diam0ndhead94 How liberated do I feel?? Very!!! #vaguetweet

weightwhat @diam0ndhead94 Took your bra off, huh?



CandySteele @Nick_theGeek you lost me at "fast"

weightwhat @CandySteele TWSS



The ones that are even longer

weightwhat @br8kthru So, will you be having visitors next summer? Or have you STILL not been praying about it? I'm sure @sarahmsalter'd like to know.

br8kthru @weightwhat God said, "only if Wendy comes." It was a deep, booming echo-y voice so I know He was serious.

weightwhat @br8kthru Actually, I think that was just you passing gas.

br8kthru @weightwhat How dare you?! Moral outrage is ensuing... ok, maybe it could have been gas...

CandySteele @katdish Yep. Need to get to a meeting. No make up. Flat hair. Need a clown suit.

weightwhat @CandySteele After you get in the clown suit are you going to go visit @katdish? She loves clowns.

CandySteele @weightwhat I'll bet she *really* loves soaking wet ones.

katdish @CandySteele TWSS

weightwhat @katdish *snort*

br8kthru @sarahmsalter It's not mean. It's no secret that guys find body parts funny. Heck I can't hear vuvuzela w/out chuckling.

weightwhat @br8kthru And Jason? It'll behoove ya to take care of your uvula.

br8kthru @weightwhat Well, it wasn't it the uvula I was thinking of, but sure thing....

rntammyp @br8kthru @weightwhat uhm, THAT is called something else.

weightwhat @rntammyp Yes. Yes it is. But this is a family show and we don't use words like vulva here.


And the ‘why don’t you just post the whole conversation’ ones

katdish Did I mention I have a mild phobia of frogs?

weightwhat @katdish What about frog zombies dressed as clowns? Does that bother you, too?

katdish @weightwhat Thanks. I'll be calling you in about 4 hours for you to talk me thru my nightmares.

weightwhat @katdish Go ahead. You can reach me at 867-5309. I'll be waiting for your call.

katdish @weightwhat You forget I have your REAL PHONE NUMBER Missy!

weightwhat @katdish I'm counting on you not being able to find it in your being chased by frog/zombie/clown state.

katdish @weightwhat I'm putting it on speed dial before I go to bed. And SHUT UP!

SBeeCreations @weightwhat but you aren't Jenny

weightwhat @SBeeCreations How do you know that?

SBeeCreations @weightwhat Last I checked, you were Wendy, but I suppose you could be Jenny, the strange Internet stalker chick

katdish @SBeeCreations As opposed to Wendy, the strange internet stalker chick...

weightwhat @katdish @SBeeCreations Exactly.

weightwhat @lainiegallagher I think @duane_scott is shaving his legs in preparation for a trip. This is just an educated guess, of course.

lainiegallagher @weightwhat Interesting. I'm curious to know your evidence...

weightwhat @lainiegallagher Well, from conversations with him and @sarahmsalter in the past, we've found that @duane_scott is all about leg shaving.

weightwhat @lainiegallagher That, and I found @duane_scott's receipt from Walmart that's full of razors, girly shaving gel, and Nair.

lainiegallagher @weightwhat For serious? How did I not know this? I can't believe I've been missing this opportunity to mock him...

duane_scott @lainiegallagher Don't mind @weightwhat . She's very disturbed these days. I don't know what she's even rambling about.

weightwhat @duane_scott Oh, you know. It's okay, you're among friends here.

weightwhat Clearly, the sky is falling. Two posts in two days?! Yup, a Summer post for the One Word Carnival. http://tinyurl.com/2ffw4ka

br8kthru @weightwhat Yep, I smell the apocalypse.

weightwhat @br8kthru And how does it smell?

br8kthru @weightwhat Burnt tires and refried beans with a hint of lavender...

weightwhat @br8kthru They should bottle that.

~*~ Later... ~*~

weightwhat @Helenatrandom Helen, I'm distressed. You are missing from my ho-down post for tomorrow so far. We can't have that, can we?

Helenatrandom @weightwhat Wait.... you are going to post for Pleasantly Disturbed Thurs. and Twitter Ho Down Fri. ? Are four horsemen close behind?

br8kthru @Helenatrandom yep @weightwhat is trying to bring on the apocalypse so we can bottle the scent... & yeah, it's kinda sketchy from there.

weightwhat @br8kthru Is it wrong of me to bring on the apocolypse just for the scent? I think not.

Helenatrandom @br8kthru Bottle the scent of sulphur?

br8kthru @Helenatrandom Burnt tires, refried beans, and a hint of lavender actually :)

Helenatrandom @br8kthru I'm sure that hint of lavender makes all the difference. #givesmearash

weightwhat @Helenatrandom It could happen. Prepare yourself, just in case.

Helenatrandom @weightwhat By lying prostrate, face to the ground?

weightwhat @Helenatrandom No, by getting together as many bottles as you can. You're gonna want this scent!

br8kthru @Helenatrandom Can you get a rash from smelling lavender? And is said rash on the inside of your nose? #curious

weightwhat @br8kthru Ugh. Don't want to watch the ointment application on that rash.

br8kthru @weightwhat That would be awesome! That's a perfect excuse when you're caught picking your nose. "What? I have a rash!"

Helenatrandom @br8kthru Actually, lavender soap gives me a rash. I find the lavender the most disturbing thing in that ingredient list!

weightwhat @Helenatrandom @br8kthru I'm thinking of adding a touch of bacon to the scent. Everything goes with bacon.

Helenatrandom @weightwhat Mmmm...... bacon...

weightwhat @Helenatrandom How about if we just add the bacon and take out the lavender then? Bacon smells better anyway.

Helenatrandom @weightwhat Now you are talking!

Helenatrandom @weightwhat Will the bacon addition be promoted as "New and Improved Apocalypse Scent"?

weightwhat @Helenatrandom I'm thinking "New and Improved Apocalypse Scent Now With Bacon!" Bacon in the title gives it that extra oomph.

br8kthru @Helenatrandom bye Helen! Have a great day. Stop and smell the bacon...

weightwhat @br8kthru Don't you mean 'Stop and smell the apocalypse'?

br8kthru @weightwhat Ooh, sounds like a bad line from an 80's Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. I love it.

weightwhat @br8kthru YESH!

weightwhat @br8kthru Why on earth would we give Calvin Klein the credit? Great hairy monkey butts!

br8kthru @weightwhat BTW, so glad you went with 'great hairy monkey BUTTS.' Add to the list of things I never thought I'd ever say...

weightwhat @br8kthru I'm thinking of using that as my new battlecry. GREAT HAIRY MONKEY BUTTS!

br8kthru @weightwhat *fist raised in the air* GREAT HAIRY MONKEY BUTTS! or maybe that could be my new greeting...

weightwhat @br8kthru Ooo! I like it! TWSS

weightwhat WARNING! I'm currently writing my 3rd post for the week. Time to start stocking the pantry and loading up on supplies. Bring on the zombies!

SBeeCreations @weightwhat I'm prepared for the zombie invasion! Carry the chainsaw in the car.

weightwhat @SBeeCreations It's the only logical thing to do.

br8kthru @weightwhat Another great battlecry BRING ON THE ZOMBIES! YEEEEEAAAH!

weightwhat @br8kthru I'm gonna need to have a lot of battles, aren't I?

br8kthru @weightwhat Or just combine them BRING ON THE GREAT HAIRY MONKEY ZOMBIES!

weightwhat @br8kthru The only problem is that that one drops "butts" from the cry.

weightwhat @br8kthru It's a well documented fact that the most successful war cries contain either "butts" or "zombies" within them.

br8kthru @weightwhat I thought that too after I sent it. It's hard to cry without butts...or something like that.

weightwhat @br8kthru Yes, it works toward the terror and confusion when you use butts in your cry.

And now, for your Sarah Salter fix!

sarahmsalter @weightwhat If your phone rings in about 4 minutes, be prepared for whatever is at the other end. Just sayin'.

weightwhat @sarahmsalter What should I do to prepare? Gird my loins?

sarahmsalter @weightwhat @br8kthru @makeadiff21 Sorry I flaked out on the tea-making. I had to go to the copy room & copy the checks for my deposit.

DaleChumbley @sarahmsalter So, you're a flake huh? Tell us something new. ;?) *poke* (cc: @weightwhat @br8kthru @makeadiff21)

weightwhat @DaleChumbley Hey, that's sugar-frosted flake to you, mister. (@sarahmsalter)

sarahmsalter @br8kthru Mama once told me, "When you were born I was scared because you didn't cry. Then you started screaming & have NEVER stopped!"

CrazyGidgetDog @sarahmsalter Want me to piddle on her carpet for you? I'd do that for you.

sarahmsalter @CrazyGidgetDog You're taking all of your personalities on a test-drive today aren't you? Gidget go meet @Schnik. Don't piddle on his shoes.

CrazyGidgetDog @sarahmsalter I already followed @Schnik. Too late for the shoe thing though.

WendyDarlingLtd @sarahmsalter Maybe multi-tasking is beyond @br8kthru. He is a male, you know.

sarahmsalter @WendyDarlingLtd I'm not gonna man-bash @br8kthru. He's one of the good guys.

WendyDarlingLtd @sarahmsalter I'm not man-bashing him. I'm harrassing out of love.

WendyDarlingLtd @sarahmsalter Teasing and harrassment are a love language, you know.

br8kthru @WendyDarlingLtd You're right, I'm just a dumb guy. The only multi-tasking I do is when I manage to belch & fart at the same time...

WendyDarlingLtd @br8kthru How you don't implode from that is a mystery.

br8kthru @WendyDarlingLtd well, you should know that every time it happens somewhere in the universe a black hole is created.

br8kthru @sarahmsalter that would be hard...

weightwhat @br8kthru TWHS

sarahmsalter @br8kthru @weightwhat I was going to gig Jason on that, but we were having a serious conversation, so I let it slide.

weightwhat @sarahmsalter Yeah, I'm not that nice.

sarahmsalter @weightwhat That's why we love ya!

weightwhat @sarahmsalter And look at me oddly.

br8kthru @weightwhat Little late there! Sorry, there's a 15 minute expiration on those jokes. Better luck next time.

weightwhat @br8kthru Actually, there's no time limit on the TWSS/TWHS as long as you use the 'reply to' button. So there.

br8kthru @weightwhat I believe the protocol in that vast a timespan is that you must 1st RT the (in)appropriate statement followed by TWSS/TWHS

br8kthru @weightwhat only trying to help, of course.

weightwhat @br8kthru Sorry Jason, but you're not going to talk your way out of the much deserved TWHS. It was a valiant effort though.

sarahmsalter @weightwhat Hey Wendy, is it just me or is @br8kthru bein' a dork? #justaskin'

br8kthru @sarahmsalter @weightwhat Is there a time when I'm not a dork?

weightwhat @br8kthru I can't vouch for when you're sleeping. You'll have to ask your wife about that. I have my suspicions though.

Why yes, I did wait until the end to put up the promised Sarah Salter tweets. That's how I roll. Blame television. Or Katdish. Whatever.