Friday, July 16, 2010

Twitter Ho-down - The Sarah Salter fix version


Some of you may have noticed that I didn't do a Twitter Ho-down post last week. Some of you are thinking, "Does Wendy ever post?" Hey, I'll have you know that this is my 4th post this week! Hmph. Anyway, I didn't put up a twitter post last week because I wanted to hold on to it so we could all have a Sarah Salter fix this week while she's still in Sudan doing the work God has called her to do. Of course, with her being away, she's not here to stop me from using the "Va-va-voom Sarah" picture that she's using on her alternate twitter account. Better to ask forgiveness than permission. And now... Onward!

The one-liners

I like exercising as much as the next guy. He hates it too. (RT @patrickmarkryan)

I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it. (RT@yerjokingnet)

Alright. I'll be back later. Yes, that's a promise and a threat.

The smell of twitter woke me up this morning.

Time for me to go wake the kiddo up so we can get going. I think I'll poke her with a stick to wake her up. She'll like that.

Scribbled on a wall in a ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere I go." Written below it: "I do not." (RT @funnyoneliners)

Getting my Abba on. I'm a dancing queen. In my own mind, anyway. Sequins anyone?

I may be biased, but that doesn't mean I'm not right.

I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.

It's so quiet that I can actually hear myself think. No good can come of this. RT @gilesmarie

Okay, I've gotta go help my daughter clean up the playroom. And by help, I mean threaten to throw things away.

Why the Old Spice guy can't sell every product. It's a peace/war thing (RT @MikeCanDoIt)

Gidget, speak!

CrazyGidgetDog Mom (@weightwhat) keeps threatening to shave me down. Think Dad knows she's planning on using his electric razor to do it?

CrazyGidgetDog Whine at the door - check. Chase my tail - check. Sniff my butt - check. Man, I've got a busy schedule today.

CrazyGidgetDog SQUIRREL!

And then there's my other alter-ego

WendyDarlingLtd @sarahmsalter That's it. Your hand is going in a bowl of water in your sleep while you're here. After I put a plastic cover on your bed.

A little bit longer ones

weightwhat @saphyreplatypus I must follow you because Perry the Platypus is your avatar. Hey! Where's Perry?

saphyreplatypus @weightwhat : ) gotta love a platypus in a fedora!

weightwhat @saphyreplatypus And I do! But I don't 'love' a platypus in a fedora. That would just be weird. And potentially harmful to my health.


weightwhat Alright, I'm awake. Now what?

TheRustedChain @weightwhat nap time?

weightwhat @TheRustedChain I like the way you think!

duane_scott I'm pooped.

weightwhat @duane_scott Nobody wants to hear about your poop. Well, except maybe @redclaydiaries. She's weird that way.

beckfromfrogandtoad Help! I'm filling out an application and it wants to know what I'm "passionate" about. "Sleeping" seems to lack zest.

weightwhat @beckfromfrogandtoad Call it "REM research"

SBeeCreations @SMSalter1 did you try clearing your cache after updating?

weightwhat @SBeeCreations I've heard that's not really good for you. But I guess if you get that not-so-fresh feeling...

weightwhat Just took my first bite of double chocolate zucchini bread. Not bad!

stretchmarkmama @weightwhat Oh, I love chocolate zucchini bread. Count it as a veggie!

weightwhat @stretchmarkmama You know I will! Not a fan of veggies. I'd count green jello as a veggie if I could get away with it.

katdish RT @lainiegallagher: @br8kthru Cheetoe Power!

br8kthru @katdish why am I picturing an orange-powder covered toe right now? It's more than a little disturbing.

weightwhat @br8kthru Disturbing, but tasty.

weightwhat I'm back. Feel free to rejoice.

Schnik RT @weightwhat: I'm back. Feel free to rejoice.

weightwhat @Schnik And there was much rejoicing. Yea.

muchl8r A lady took a picture of me at starbucks today. She didn't ask, I didn't know her, and I don't know why #BecauseImHot??

weightwhat @muchl8r How are you dressed? Is there a new People of Starbucks blog we should know about?

weightwhat Okay, somebody entertain me, quick! You don't want me left to my own devices.

pagan43 @weightwhat Dancing as fast as I can... Your devices scare me.

weightwhat @pagan43 You've got some serious moves! And yes, my devices scare most people.

katdish Ha!

weightwhat @katdish That's the secret in all of my recipes!


jewda4 @katdish i find Jakob to be more disruptive than our animals now. if he's not hitting the computer, he's into something else he shouldn't be.

weightwhat @jewda4 Is it time to get a velcro wall?

heartcures Oops. I forgot to eat dinner. Skipped right over to dessert. SIGH!

weightwhat @heartcures And that's bad because...?

duane_scott @weightwhat why do u consider me the person who passed gas? That's rude. I don't do despicable acts like that.

weightwhat @duane_scott Right. You know, that cork in your butt will only hold for so long.

Ironic_Mom So, I want to start writing daily, doing yoga daily + walking daily. Any advice? Clone myself? Lose the kids? Retire?

weightwhat @Ironic_Mom A rubber mallet to the forehead should clear that up.

Nick_theGeek @weightwhat have I made a single ho down in the last 2 months?

weightwhat @Nick_theGeek I think I've only done a single Ho-down in the last 2 months.

diam0ndhead94 How liberated do I feel?? Very!!! #vaguetweet

weightwhat @diam0ndhead94 Took your bra off, huh?

CandySteele @Nick_theGeek you lost me at "fast"

weightwhat @CandySteele TWSS

The ones that are even longer

weightwhat @br8kthru So, will you be having visitors next summer? Or have you STILL not been praying about it? I'm sure @sarahmsalter'd like to know.

br8kthru @weightwhat God said, "only if Wendy comes." It was a deep, booming echo-y voice so I know He was serious.

weightwhat @br8kthru Actually, I think that was just you passing gas.

br8kthru @weightwhat How dare you?! Moral outrage is ensuing... ok, maybe it could have been gas...

CandySteele @katdish Yep. Need to get to a meeting. No make up. Flat hair. Need a clown suit.

weightwhat @CandySteele After you get in the clown suit are you going to go visit @katdish? She loves clowns.

CandySteele @weightwhat I'll bet she *really* loves soaking wet ones.

katdish @CandySteele TWSS

weightwhat @katdish *snort*

br8kthru @sarahmsalter It's not mean. It's no secret that guys find body parts funny. Heck I can't hear vuvuzela w/out chuckling.

weightwhat @br8kthru And Jason? It'll behoove ya to take care of your uvula.

br8kthru @weightwhat Well, it wasn't it the uvula I was thinking of, but sure thing....

rntammyp @br8kthru @weightwhat uhm, THAT is called something else.

weightwhat @rntammyp Yes. Yes it is. But this is a family show and we don't use words like vulva here.

And the ‘why don’t you just post the whole conversation’ ones

katdish Did I mention I have a mild phobia of frogs?

weightwhat @katdish What about frog zombies dressed as clowns? Does that bother you, too?

katdish @weightwhat Thanks. I'll be calling you in about 4 hours for you to talk me thru my nightmares.

weightwhat @katdish Go ahead. You can reach me at 867-5309. I'll be waiting for your call.

katdish @weightwhat You forget I have your REAL PHONE NUMBER Missy!

weightwhat @katdish I'm counting on you not being able to find it in your being chased by frog/zombie/clown state.

katdish @weightwhat I'm putting it on speed dial before I go to bed. And SHUT UP!

SBeeCreations @weightwhat but you aren't Jenny

weightwhat @SBeeCreations How do you know that?

SBeeCreations @weightwhat Last I checked, you were Wendy, but I suppose you could be Jenny, the strange Internet stalker chick

katdish @SBeeCreations As opposed to Wendy, the strange internet stalker chick...

weightwhat @katdish @SBeeCreations Exactly.

weightwhat @lainiegallagher I think @duane_scott is shaving his legs in preparation for a trip. This is just an educated guess, of course.

lainiegallagher @weightwhat Interesting. I'm curious to know your evidence...

weightwhat @lainiegallagher Well, from conversations with him and @sarahmsalter in the past, we've found that @duane_scott is all about leg shaving.

weightwhat @lainiegallagher That, and I found @duane_scott's receipt from Walmart that's full of razors, girly shaving gel, and Nair.

lainiegallagher @weightwhat For serious? How did I not know this? I can't believe I've been missing this opportunity to mock him...

duane_scott @lainiegallagher Don't mind @weightwhat . She's very disturbed these days. I don't know what she's even rambling about.

weightwhat @duane_scott Oh, you know. It's okay, you're among friends here.

weightwhat Clearly, the sky is falling. Two posts in two days?! Yup, a Summer post for the One Word Carnival.

br8kthru @weightwhat Yep, I smell the apocalypse.

weightwhat @br8kthru And how does it smell?

br8kthru @weightwhat Burnt tires and refried beans with a hint of lavender...

weightwhat @br8kthru They should bottle that.

~*~ Later... ~*~

weightwhat @Helenatrandom Helen, I'm distressed. You are missing from my ho-down post for tomorrow so far. We can't have that, can we?

Helenatrandom @weightwhat Wait.... you are going to post for Pleasantly Disturbed Thurs. and Twitter Ho Down Fri. ? Are four horsemen close behind?

br8kthru @Helenatrandom yep @weightwhat is trying to bring on the apocalypse so we can bottle the scent... & yeah, it's kinda sketchy from there.

weightwhat @br8kthru Is it wrong of me to bring on the apocolypse just for the scent? I think not.

Helenatrandom @br8kthru Bottle the scent of sulphur?

br8kthru @Helenatrandom Burnt tires, refried beans, and a hint of lavender actually :)

Helenatrandom @br8kthru I'm sure that hint of lavender makes all the difference. #givesmearash

weightwhat @Helenatrandom It could happen. Prepare yourself, just in case.

Helenatrandom @weightwhat By lying prostrate, face to the ground?

weightwhat @Helenatrandom No, by getting together as many bottles as you can. You're gonna want this scent!

br8kthru @Helenatrandom Can you get a rash from smelling lavender? And is said rash on the inside of your nose? #curious

weightwhat @br8kthru Ugh. Don't want to watch the ointment application on that rash.

br8kthru @weightwhat That would be awesome! That's a perfect excuse when you're caught picking your nose. "What? I have a rash!"

Helenatrandom @br8kthru Actually, lavender soap gives me a rash. I find the lavender the most disturbing thing in that ingredient list!

weightwhat @Helenatrandom @br8kthru I'm thinking of adding a touch of bacon to the scent. Everything goes with bacon.

Helenatrandom @weightwhat Mmmm...... bacon...

weightwhat @Helenatrandom How about if we just add the bacon and take out the lavender then? Bacon smells better anyway.

Helenatrandom @weightwhat Now you are talking!

Helenatrandom @weightwhat Will the bacon addition be promoted as "New and Improved Apocalypse Scent"?

weightwhat @Helenatrandom I'm thinking "New and Improved Apocalypse Scent Now With Bacon!" Bacon in the title gives it that extra oomph.

br8kthru @Helenatrandom bye Helen! Have a great day. Stop and smell the bacon...

weightwhat @br8kthru Don't you mean 'Stop and smell the apocalypse'?

br8kthru @weightwhat Ooh, sounds like a bad line from an 80's Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. I love it.

weightwhat @br8kthru YESH!

weightwhat @br8kthru Why on earth would we give Calvin Klein the credit? Great hairy monkey butts!

br8kthru @weightwhat BTW, so glad you went with 'great hairy monkey BUTTS.' Add to the list of things I never thought I'd ever say...

weightwhat @br8kthru I'm thinking of using that as my new battlecry. GREAT HAIRY MONKEY BUTTS!

br8kthru @weightwhat *fist raised in the air* GREAT HAIRY MONKEY BUTTS! or maybe that could be my new greeting...

weightwhat @br8kthru Ooo! I like it! TWSS

weightwhat WARNING! I'm currently writing my 3rd post for the week. Time to start stocking the pantry and loading up on supplies. Bring on the zombies!

SBeeCreations @weightwhat I'm prepared for the zombie invasion! Carry the chainsaw in the car.

weightwhat @SBeeCreations It's the only logical thing to do.

br8kthru @weightwhat Another great battlecry BRING ON THE ZOMBIES! YEEEEEAAAH!

weightwhat @br8kthru I'm gonna need to have a lot of battles, aren't I?

br8kthru @weightwhat Or just combine them BRING ON THE GREAT HAIRY MONKEY ZOMBIES!

weightwhat @br8kthru The only problem is that that one drops "butts" from the cry.

weightwhat @br8kthru It's a well documented fact that the most successful war cries contain either "butts" or "zombies" within them.

br8kthru @weightwhat I thought that too after I sent it. It's hard to cry without butts...or something like that.

weightwhat @br8kthru Yes, it works toward the terror and confusion when you use butts in your cry.

And now, for your Sarah Salter fix!

sarahmsalter @weightwhat If your phone rings in about 4 minutes, be prepared for whatever is at the other end. Just sayin'.

weightwhat @sarahmsalter What should I do to prepare? Gird my loins?

sarahmsalter @weightwhat @br8kthru @makeadiff21 Sorry I flaked out on the tea-making. I had to go to the copy room & copy the checks for my deposit.

DaleChumbley @sarahmsalter So, you're a flake huh? Tell us something new. ;?) *poke* (cc: @weightwhat @br8kthru @makeadiff21)

weightwhat @DaleChumbley Hey, that's sugar-frosted flake to you, mister. (@sarahmsalter)

sarahmsalter @br8kthru Mama once told me, "When you were born I was scared because you didn't cry. Then you started screaming & have NEVER stopped!"

CrazyGidgetDog @sarahmsalter Want me to piddle on her carpet for you? I'd do that for you.

sarahmsalter @CrazyGidgetDog You're taking all of your personalities on a test-drive today aren't you? Gidget go meet @Schnik. Don't piddle on his shoes.

CrazyGidgetDog @sarahmsalter I already followed @Schnik. Too late for the shoe thing though.

WendyDarlingLtd @sarahmsalter Maybe multi-tasking is beyond @br8kthru. He is a male, you know.

sarahmsalter @WendyDarlingLtd I'm not gonna man-bash @br8kthru. He's one of the good guys.

WendyDarlingLtd @sarahmsalter I'm not man-bashing him. I'm harrassing out of love.

WendyDarlingLtd @sarahmsalter Teasing and harrassment are a love language, you know.

br8kthru @WendyDarlingLtd You're right, I'm just a dumb guy. The only multi-tasking I do is when I manage to belch & fart at the same time...

WendyDarlingLtd @br8kthru How you don't implode from that is a mystery.

br8kthru @WendyDarlingLtd well, you should know that every time it happens somewhere in the universe a black hole is created.

br8kthru @sarahmsalter that would be hard...

weightwhat @br8kthru TWHS

sarahmsalter @br8kthru @weightwhat I was going to gig Jason on that, but we were having a serious conversation, so I let it slide.

weightwhat @sarahmsalter Yeah, I'm not that nice.

sarahmsalter @weightwhat That's why we love ya!

weightwhat @sarahmsalter And look at me oddly.

br8kthru @weightwhat Little late there! Sorry, there's a 15 minute expiration on those jokes. Better luck next time.

weightwhat @br8kthru Actually, there's no time limit on the TWSS/TWHS as long as you use the 'reply to' button. So there.

br8kthru @weightwhat I believe the protocol in that vast a timespan is that you must 1st RT the (in)appropriate statement followed by TWSS/TWHS

br8kthru @weightwhat only trying to help, of course.

weightwhat @br8kthru Sorry Jason, but you're not going to talk your way out of the much deserved TWHS. It was a valiant effort though.

sarahmsalter @weightwhat Hey Wendy, is it just me or is @br8kthru bein' a dork? #justaskin'

br8kthru @sarahmsalter @weightwhat Is there a time when I'm not a dork?

weightwhat @br8kthru I can't vouch for when you're sleeping. You'll have to ask your wife about that. I have my suspicions though.

Why yes, I did wait until the end to put up the promised Sarah Salter tweets. That's how I roll. Blame television. Or Katdish. Whatever.


Tammy P. said...

I would NEVER blame Katdish **innocent expression**, no ... really!!

Great stuff! Glad I made the list, I feel honored ... or strangely troubled.

Wendy said...

Tammy - People who make my Twitter Ho-down post usually have that reaction...

katdish said...

Wow. That was epic.

I was trying to write whilst Jason, Helen and you were talking about the lavender and burnt tires and your tweets kept popping up. I was like, "what in holy heck are they talking about?"

Now I know. And I'm a better woman for it.

jasonS said...

Oh that part where the dog ate the leftovers- priceless. And that car chase! Just blew me away... Okay, I was dared to comment before reading so now I will really read it so you may imbibe more of my acerbic wit (yes, I said 'acerbic' -I am literate, VERY literate).

Wendy said...

Jason - Literate? For a second there I thought you said obliterate. Nevermind.

jasonS said...

16 years of life wasted on reading this post... was it worth it? Yes, yes it was.

Man, I was all over this thing today! (TWSS) These are some classics.

PS Your devices scare me also. Everyone was scared of my devices except my wife who said, "I ain't skeered" so I married her on the spot. True story.

PSS I miss Sarah Salter. So be safe and blessed in Sudan crazy sister friend...

Candy said...

Clearly I have been under a rock this week. It's all new to me. I think.

Helen said...

I'm glad you warned me so I was able to grab the opportunity to be a part of this. Strangely, being part of this doesn't trouble me. Anymore.