Friday, July 2, 2010

The Epic Twitter Ho-down


Yes, it's been a long time. But I now present you with the Epic Twitter Ho-down. Yeah, I've been saving 'em up. So get your popcorn and your hip waders and read on at your own peril.

The one-liners

I'm here - let the wild rumpus start!

Blah blah blah.

My daughter is exploding out of both ends simultaneously. I love being a mom. I love being a mom. I love being a mom...

I really wish my gym would install outdoor trash receptacles. Taking my Mcdonalds garbage inside to throw it away is getting embarassing. (RT @ruthakers)

If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection. (@funnyoneliners)

These are not the droids you are looking for.

I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers. (RT @marni71)

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-OW! That's the noise my daughter keeps making as she slides down the stairs in her sleeping bag.

I wonder if cannibal children are told not to play with their food... (RT @funnyoneliners)

Nap hard or get off the couch.

My kiddo doesn't understand why I won't let her wear a hospital gown to VBS tomorrow. Doesn't she know we only dress like that at Walmart?

I have been blessed with the gift of inappropriateness. It's only right that I share it.

A little bit longer ones

duane_scott Why am I the only "dude" on twitter this morning? What do all guys do on Saturday anyway? Oh, that's right, honey -do lists. #suckas

weightwhat @duane_scott You're a dude?!

katdish I really need to narrow down my categories list for my new site. I think I can eliminate "My big fat head" & "oreo cakesters"

weightwhat @katdish NOOOOO!!! Those are my favorite!

CandySteele @katdish Tried to leave a comment on your blog -"error processing request." In mobile theme. Sorry to break it already. #storyofmylife

weightwhat @CandySteele Was your comment so full of possible TWSS's that it overloaded the system?

sarahmsalter Guns 'n Roses just came on my John Denver station on Pandora. What's wrong with this picture?

weightwhat @sarahmsalter That you have a John Denver station on Pandora?

TheRustedChain It's 8:15 and I'm having iced coffee. Livin' on the edge!

weightwhat @TheRustedChain What's next, sitting too close to the tv? It's madness I tell you! Madness!

weightwhat @gabbysherri AAAAAAA!!!! *crash*

weightwhat @gabbysherri Sorry about that. Just saw that you were on the twitter and fainted dead away.

sarahmsalter @weightwhat Be right back.... Gotta close the barn door before the rain comes in.

weightwhat @sarahmsalter TWSS?

Helenatrandom @gabbysherri I'll be making mine a virgin Chi Chi.

weightwhat @Helenatrandom What's this about your virgin chi chi?

Nick_theGeek Finished the plugin. I'm very happy.

weightwhat @Nick_theGeek TWHS

pagan43 A universal remote does not in actuality control the whole universe.

weightwhat @pagan43 Drats. There goes that plan.

redclaydiaries Guess where my dogs hung out today? The cow pasture next door! #stinkystinkystinkyanimals

weightwhat @redclaydiaries Not enough air freshener in the world for that, is there?

The ones that are even longer

CandySteele @makeadiff21 It will help them heal & keep from drying out. Really goop them up b4 you go to bed

makeadiff21 @CandySteele Way cool. Thanks so much. Perhaps I'll find something to put on my hands to keep it from getting all over the place.

weightwhat @makeadiff21 @CandySteele TWSS

makeadiff21 @weightwhat Oh ha ha. You are so funny. Laughing at my misery.

weightwhat @CandySteele We hang out with the funniest people...

CandySteele @weightwhat I never looked at "funny" as odd, twisted, distracted, or hormonal before a couple years ago.

weightwhat @CandySteele Hey, "funny" is anything you can point and laugh at in my book.

sarahmsalter @duane_scott @Helenatrandom @weightwhat @PrairieLady I think I need to go to bed before this conversation gets any weirder.

Helenatrandom @sarahmsalter Oh C'mon!!! Like this conversation could POSSIBLY get any weirder....

weightwhat @Helenatrandom Did you forget that I'm still here? That's how.

sarahmsalter @weightwhat If I could find the remote to my ceiling fan, I'd love to stare at it, too... #cantfindthedangremote

weightwhat @sarahmsalter That's not good.

sarahmsalter @weightwhat Yep, I have a vaulted ceiling, so I can't reach the bugger. And the remote's been MIA for about 3 weeks.

weightwhat @sarahmsalter What you need is a trampoline in your bedroom. Hey! That might even help you to reach your ceiling fan!

duane_scott @sarahmsalter @Schnik If either of you ever call me "hoss", our friendship will be severed. Maybe. Not really. You don't want to risk it.

weightwhat @duane_scott Howdy Hoss.

duane_scott This thing with you and I? Ya... It's not working out.

weightwhat @duane_scott Oh, Hoss! You're breakin' my heart! Oh wait, no. That was just gas.

sarahmsalter @duane_scott Oh, that's an AWESOME word! I've wanted to flog you before. ;-)

weightwhat @sarahmsalter Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

redclaydiaries @weightwhat SNORT. Wonder how red @sarahmsalter is now... Or if she's figured out how that sounded yet...

sarahmsalter @redclaydiaries @weightwhat If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go sit in the closet and bang my head against the wall for a while.

sarahmsalter @billycoffey B, you know what a pig-pickin' is, don't you? @weightwhat & @SBeeCreations had never heard of it. #educatingthenonsoutherners

weightwhat @sarahmsalter Okay, you gotta admit that the phrase pig pickin' brings up some colorful images. And none that make me hungry.

weightwhat @sarahmsalter So if you pick pigs, what do you do to cows?

katdish @weightwhat That's classified.

gabbysherri @br8kthru -I will join in only if I'm dragged...kickin' and screamin.

weightwhat @gabbysherri TWSS

gabbysherri @weightwhat -you got me!

weightwhat @gabbysherri Yes. Yes I did.

CandySteele Whew. 2/3 of front bushes whacked off. Wish someone would come clean up my mess. #stinky #sweaty #thirsty #bloody

weightwhat @CandySteele You just need to fill your yard with lawn creatures to hide it all.

CandySteele @weightwhat I should have sculpted those bushes to look like animals. Could use some curb appeal.

weightwhat @CandySteele Or maybe you should have sculpted them into unmentionables and been the talk of the neighborhood.


SBeeCreations @duane_scott I'm exhausted but if I fake enough pep in the morning sometimes I can truck myself for a but ;P

weightwhat @SBeeCreations You can truck yourself for a but? How does one do that?

SBeeCreations @weightwhat wow. I didn't even notice. Trick. Bit. Guess I'm even more tired than I thought

weightwhat @SBeeCreations Darn. I thought I was going to learn about but trucking.

And the ‘why don’t you just post the whole conversation’ ones

sarahmsalter @Helenatrandom I knew a fella in Honduras named Holy Transfiguration. When I say his name I think, "Holy Transfiguration, Batman!"

weightwhat @sarahmsalter *snort*

sarahmsalter @weightwhat You just never know what's stirring around in my head, do you? Holy Transfiguration, Batman! ;-)

weightwhat @sarahmsalter Well, I have noticed you hanging out in the Bat Cave a lot lately, but I thought it was just because you liked the tights.

sarahmsalter @weightwhat They're not tights. They're Spanx. And they're very slenderizing, thank you very much!

weightwhat @sarahmsalter Is that a Spanx cape, too?

sarahmsalter @weightwhat Um... #busted

br8kthru @sarahmsalter @weightwhat she's right- no ganging up. I gave her my cell # last night & I don't want any prank calls at 3 AM...

weightwhat @br8kthru Why not? You usually like those.

br8kthru @weightwhat THAT WAS YOU!?!

weightwhat @br8kthru I admit to nothing.

br8kthru @weightwhat I couldn't sleep for a week after that last one. It was just heavy breathing, but I could tell it was clown breath.

weightwhat @br8kthru Yes, I specialize in the terrifying, yet oddly inticing, middle of the night phone calls.

br8kthru @weightwhat So true- I was scared to death, but kept listening for at least 8 minutes... well done!

redclaydiaries @katdish I can't believe I'm asking YOU this, but how do I find my keyword searches on google analytics? Too. many. graphs.

redclaydiaries @katdish Nevermind. Found 'em. Top of my list? Pigeon feet. Followed by "i am an assclown."

weightwhat Mornin' people. So, is @redclaydiaries really an assclown?

redclaydiaries @weightwhat Hey. Another of my keywords was wendymonkey. They can't have been searching for ME.

weightwhat @redclaydiaries *whistling and looking innocent*

Helenatrandom @weightwhat Looking innocent? I would fear you less if you wore an evil grin, bobbed your eyebrows up and down, and stroked a mustache.

weightwhat @Helenatrandom What are you trying to say, Helen?

katdish @weightwhat I'd be VERY interested to see a few of your keyword searches.

weightwhat @katdish Just checked 'em. Chewing Gum Pants, DOGS CLUCKING and KOSHER FROGURT to name a few. Yes, all caps like that.

katdish @weightwhat So you have people yelling at your blog?

weightwhat @katdish Yes. Yes I do. But then, doesn't everybody yell out "DOGS CLUCKING!" once in a while?

katdish @weightwhat Yes. It's cathardic. DOGS CLUCKING! Ah...I feel much better.

marni71 @katdish Oh,and that time I was hopped up on Nyquil and accidentally drunk dialed @gabbysherri. She didn't sound at all like a smurf.

weightwhat @marni71 You say "that time" like it's only happened once.

katdish @weightwhat Snort!

marni71 @weightwhat It's happended twice. The first one is called "Lindsay".

weightwhat @marni71 Just how much Nyquil were you drinkin'?

duane_scott I've got a question. (May be used In blog) what is one thing that makes you worry?

katdish @duane_scott Being ill prepared for zombie attack.

weightwhat @katdish My husband's got a book you can borrow.


duane_scott @weightwhat What makes you worry?

weightwhat @duane_scott I'm worried that I'll never get to try Pretzel M&M's. Keeps me up at night. TWHS.

duane_scott @weightwhat I favorited That one. They make pretzel m and Ms? Huh?

weightwhat @duane_scott Yes, and they seem quite naughty.

WinLiannefield Arrrghhh!!! People are all up in my personal space. #ChuckECheese

weightwhat @WinLiannefield Lactate at 'em!

katdish @weightwhat Thanks, Wendy.

weightwhat @katdish No problemo! Ooo! I'm all bilingual now.

katdish @weightwhat Yes. And apparently also a lactation consultant @WinLiannefield

weightwhat @katdish I'm multi-talented.

katdish @weightwhat Yesh.

SBeeCreations Phone service back. Just in time for bed (& finally the ice cream) -playing Scrabble with Dante. I'm losing.

weightwhat @SBeeCreations Then I'm happy and I'm sad for you.

SBeeCreations @weightwhat I'm due to win the next round ;) Besides, if all else fails, I still have the chocolate ice cream. Eases the blow of losing

weightwhat @SBeeCreations Chocolate ice cream?! Forget the game!

SBeeCreations @weightwhat game will wait! Heading to bed w/spoon & bowl :D

weightwhat @SBeeCreations Kinky!

Hey! You made it through! Congratulations! Some aspirin and a nice long nap may be what you need to recover about now. Sorry/you're welcome.


jasonS said...

DOGS CLUCKING! That was quite a post. (By the way that sounds like some kind of bizarre animal-related Tourette syndrome- I like it).

The convo you used of ours was way old- you have been saving up. PS I can't believe I read the whole thing...

Kristi Fornshell pagan43 on the twitter said...

I stand in AWE of your talent !!!

♥ Kathy said...

I'm still shaking over the clown tweet...don't give him my number!

sherri said...

Dang! I'm just getting the hang of twitter and now I'll be leaving for a couple of weeks- don't know that I could ever do one of these posts- LOTS of work!

Fun to read though!

Sarah Salter said...

Dang, girl! If I'd known you were going to use the M&M commercial clip, I'd have loaned you some of my conversation(s) with Schnik and Ryan about the horribleness of Pretzel M&M's.

And the Spanx convo? Did you HAVE to?

katdish said...

Well THANK GOODNESS you're back! I think being inappropriate on the twitter is your life's work.