What? I can't hear you!

So, who's ready for the Twitter Ho-down? Don't worry. I'm sure the hairy palms thing is just a rumor...

The one-liners

I think the bus driver missed my jammies over the long weekend.

@Prodigaljohn - MY DRUM! MY DRUM! (Little Drummer Boy à la Animal/Muppets)

I always need more fodder. TWSS

My youngest asked if he was my favorite. It's like he forgot we even had a dog. (RT @MrBigFists)

Cough hack wheeze... Look! My lung!

Just tell the boss that Snuggies are "part of your culture". (RT @NerdSalad)

I'm writing my post. Is it wrong that I'm cracking myself up?

My abs are so firm, you could bounce a Quarter Pounder with Cheese off of them. (RT @thedayhascome)

@katdish they should never give a license to a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves

For me, a day without complaining is like a day without talking at all. (RT @funnyoneliners)

I have bugalooaphobia http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EWu13GyNSbg

The ones from my dog, Gidget (@CrazyGidgetDog)

Okay, you got me out of a good sniff and I'm here. Now what?

@makeadiff21 First you ignore my person and now me? What am I supposed... SQUIRREL!!!

What slippers? Uh, no, um... I haven't seen your slippers anywhere...

@spiffytiffy3 New boots? Can I chew, uh, I mean see them?

Look at this face. Can you believe that @makeadiff21 hates me? Where's the love, Ginny?! And where are your favorite shoes?

I'm a dog. How should I know that? Isn't it enough that I've learned to type?

To the people who aren't following me, not mentioning any names (@BridgetChumbley & @makeadiff21), I'll be leaving you a present soon.

wag wag wag

SBeeCreations @CrazyGidgetDog I hear Wendy's jammies are comfy. Do you ever think about piling them up for a nice nap?

CrazyGidgetDog @SBeeCreations How can I? She's always wearing them!

@BridgetChumbley DON'T SAY FIXED!

If you'll excuse me now, I've got to scoot. And by scoot, I mean drag my butt around the living room carpet.

A little bit longer ones

redclaydiaries @weightwhat I KNOW. God is so DEMANDING. Who does he think he is?

weightwhat @redclaydiaries You should ignore Him. I'm sure you won't be swallowed by a whale or anything.

SBeeCreations @makeadiff21 Maybe we can have our own Wendy Ignores Us club.

weightwhat @SBeeCreations Huh, did someone say something?

redclaydiaries "No one touches the Shaqtus." WHY do I find that so funny?

weightwhat @redclaydiaries Because you can't leave your Shaqtus alone? TWSS.

WinLiannefield @sarahmsalter Don't tell @weightwhat, but I've only seen that movie once, and I didn't like it. (A Christmas Story)

weightwhat @WinLiannefield How you avoided being struck by lightning after saying such a thing is nothing short of miraculous.

weightwhat @makeadiff21 It's just not good to be me today.

Helenatrandom @weightwhat Not good to be you? Imagine being the wife of 1 of them, and explaining this to mom http://bit.ly/xuRwm

The ones that are even longer

What happens when you mix Viagra with Mr. Clean? Rise and Shine. (RT @funnyoneliners)

br8kthru @weightwhat ...and give God the glory, glory...

br8kthru @weightwhat I'll never be able to sing that song with my kids again.

weightwhat @br8kthru Well, you did it to yourself. TWSS

Helenatrandom @br8kthru @weightwhat Really you two....all this TWSSing is fogging up my computer screen...

weightwhat @Helenatrandom Are you sure that we're the ones doing it? You haven't been googling yourself, have you?

And the ‘why don’t you just post the whole conversation’ ones

makeadiff21 @weightwhat Oh, you are so bad. Poor @sarahmsalter . I thought the underwear thing was something of the past... ;)

weightwhat @makeadiff21 I hope wearing underwear isn't something in the past. What are you trying to tell us, Ginny? Hmmm...?

sarahmsalter @makeadiff21 And that's my point. I don't know how to approach that topic to make it acceptable to a mixed audience.

weightwhat @sarahmsalter Doesn't everyone (besides @makeadiff21) wear underwear? Perfectly acceptable.

sarahmsalter @weightwhat Yes, but as my grandmother says, it's not something nice girls talk about in public.

weightwhat @sarahmsalter For someone who "didn't talk about underwear," your grandma sure talked a lot about underwear.

Helenatrandom @weightwhat I am not wearing any right now, fyi!

weightwhat @Helenatrandom AAAAAA!!! It's Commando Helen!!! Hey, I wonder if they make an action figure of that...

Okay, maybe Twitter will make your palms a little hairy...