Thursday, July 30, 2009

Warning: Twitter may be habit forming.

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Between the heatwave and the internet being down, it's been a slow week on Twitter. I know, it's a sad story. Twitter has missed me. But worse yet, I'm left with only 500 or so tweets to pull from. Whatever will I do?

The one-liners

@emptynestegg - I am a walking fount of knowledge. Go ahead, be impressed.

@WinLiannefield - Why? Are you planning your next trip? Will it be the mullet extravaganza or the camo/trucker hat adventure?

@WinLiannefield - How sad for you. How long have you suffered from that cleanliness disorder?

@Helenatrandom Don't look Helen! Too late. She looked.

@katdish was wondering how many tweets I do in a week, so I'm keeping track. She's totally jealous of me.

@WinLiannefield - That would be cool... Could we get @billycoffey to walk around the ring in a bikini with a round # sign?

I think my brain must look like something out of a Dali painting right now. It's as good a time as any to start working on a blog post...

Oozing pus conversation. Highly recommended for anyone trying to stick to a diet.

@redclaydiaries - I'll smile and nod because I have no idea what you're talking about. *smiling and nodding*

@WinLiannefield - Awww! Our little girl is growing up! She used TWSS in a tweet! I'm so proud! *sniff*

Oh @Chick_fil_A, why must your closest location to me be 100 miles away? Where's the love? I mean, besides 100 miles away?

I should probably go get dressed. I don't think Krispy Kreme would want me there in my jammies. It's not the dollar store afterall.

RT @billycoffey The spiritual components of fruit salad: http://bit.ly/wuq6b (F-bombing grandma is not one of the components)

@MistiPearl - Why are people always choking on their coffee around me? Is there a rash of bad coffee out there or something?

I just took "What kind of tweeter are you?" and got: addict! Try it: http://bit.ly/SmGM4

Boingy! Boingy! Boingy! Boingy! Boingy! #WhyIShouldNotBeLeftAloneOnTwitter

Boogie...in your butt. Put the boogie in your butt. Put, put the boogie in your butt. #WhyIShouldNotBeLeftAloneOnTwitter

@Cara_Jen Two words for you: Velcro sheets.

@kelli1227 - You mean I've corrupted your mind, too?

@emptynestegg - Barbeque ice cream is like an elusive butterfly? Really? I thought it was more like a charging buffalo, but that's just me.

Now watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat! #notsaidbyJesusever

@Helenatrandom - I love a good flogging, don't you?

@br8kthru Ooo! I love me some righteous indignation! *HMPH!*

@spiffytiffy3 - Don't put it in the dishwasher! Don't ask how I know this.

@br8kthru Hey, I'm sweetness and light. Don't you forget it.

@Helenatrandom - It really does all come down to cookies, doesn't it?

@HerbieGookins - What with their huge size and wild colors... Beach towels cannot be trusted!

@br8kthru Me? Mock? Never!

@WinLiannefield - Oh, come on... For us? Pretty please with a mullet on top?

The ones about Belgium

Belgium is very sneaky! They try to camoflage their sneakiness with Belgian waffles, but I'm on to them...

No, @Helenatrandom isn't a sneaky Belgian. She's a boisterous Hungarian (on her dad's side).

@WinLiannefield - Have you been captured by sneaky Belgians?

@WinLiannefield - They've got you, don't they? Darn Belgians.

@WinLiannefield - Probably. You never want to turn your back on the Belgians.

@WinLiannefield is here? Why are you invisible to me? Are you turning all Belgian and sneaky?

Men never get it. I blame the Belgians. Again.

Well, I do think that the Belgians were responsible for the internet going out at my folks house.

They're always sneakier than you think. They're Belgian.

Yeah Belgium, bring it!

A little bit longer ones

RT @emptyn...@harve.. Armageddon chocolate? You know, the stash of chocolate you keep on hand so if civilization collapses you'll die happy.

@Helenatrandom - I eat all chocolate like it's armageddon chocolate. It's just my way.



weightwhat I'm melting... ! I'm melting...!

emptynestegg @weightwhat Did someone throw water on you?

weightwhat @emptynestegg - Yes. Now who's going command my army of flying monkeys?



Helenatrandom @br8kthru @weightwhat Time to break out the big guns...

weightwhat @Helenatrandom Is that what you're calling them these days?



Can't...keep...eyes...open... Zzzz....

br8kthru@weightwhat You don't wanna close your eyes. You don't wanna fall asleep cause you'd miss me baby & you don't wanna miss a thing.

br8kthru@weightwhat (I decided I won't fight it, I'm just calling you baby from now on)

@
br8kthru - Okay Twinkletoes, how did I miss this earlier? Oh yeah, must have fallen asleep. It's not you. It's me.

And the 'why don't you just post the whole conversation' ones

...and now I'm caught up. This is why I should never walk away from the computer.

@
weightwhat Oh, I give up on catching up! I count on the Twitter HO Down to let me know if I was out of the loop on something good.

@
Helenatrandom My overwhelming fear of being left out does not let me do that. I must know what's going on. & if people are talking about me

@
weightwhat There is a button to let you know that on the sidebar you know. I check that out every time I come back. Yours says @weightwhat

@
Helenatrandom - I know that, but sometimes people get sneaky and use my actual name. Why can't I be omniscient?

@
weightwhat Ah....I see.... Well then...



@emptynestegg Are we playing the game again? Or did you miss out on the whole sweet tea debate/love fest?

Helenatrandom@emptynestegg Billy says sweet tea should have lots of sugar. Candy says sugar icky. I say tea icky. Wendy rub hands together and laugh.

Helenatrandom@emptynestegg If this were a high school, Wendy would be voted most likely to rub hands together and laugh.

weightwhat@Helenatrandom - Don't forget the throwing my head back part of the laugh. That's very important.

Helenatrandom@weightwhat I'm sorry. I did forget. Actually, I think I pictured you leaning forward.

weightwhat@Helenatrandom - That's so odd. I don't think I've ever leaned forward when laughing and rubbing my hands together. Too Snidely Whiplash.

weightwhat@Helenatrandom - You've got to remember that I don't have a handlebar mustache.



JeanneDamoff @weightwhat Fun and exciting: http://tinyurl.com/6mr6a4 (<~ Okay, you really need to watch that clip. Trust me.)

weightwhat @JeanneDamoff - Okay, that was funny... Can't get songs like that from clean living, can you?

JeanneDamoff @weightwhat True. But the interpreter had to be coherent. (Is it wrong that the severed leg totally cracks me up? And Jesus' turban! Wow.)

weightwhat @JeanneDamoff - Hey, nothing brings about a good belly laugh better than a bloody severed leg. It's just comedy waiting to happen.



weightwhat Mornin' folks.

mylestones @weightwhat I so wish it still was. (morning, that is).

weightwhat @mylestones - Are you one of those "morning people" I've heard about?

Helenatrandom @weightwhat Don't ask her that! She has a right not to incriminate herself!

mylestones @weightwhat @helenatrandom does this mean you won't be my friend anymore? morning person discrimination??

weightwhat @mylestones - We might make an exception for you. But it could cost you some cookies.

Helenatrandom @mylestones I will still be your friend. I acknowledge having no right to information about such personal transgressions.

weightwhat @Helenatrandom - C'mon Helen, hold out for cookies with me!

Helenatrandom Cookies are not a transgression....They are purveyors of virtue. http://bit.ly/h5uwt

mylestones @Helenatrandom @weightwhat So my love of cookies (purveyors of virtue indeed!) might get me a pass on the morning person transgression? Cewl

Helenatrandom @mylestones Especially if you send some to us.... Help keep us virtuous ;-)

weightwhat @mylestones - I think I need some virtue. About a dozen or two worth.

Helenatrandom @mylestones I think I'll only take two cookies of virtue. I don't want to be TOO virtuous that it becomes obnoxious...

weightwhat @Helenatrandom - Yeah, I'm obnoxious either way, so I'll take more cookies.

weightwhat @mylestones - But no raisins in mine, okay? Raisins is fightin' words here.



weightwhat @br8kthru - Okay, I give. What's your other job?

br8kthru @weightwhat I maintain the web pages and edit documents/manuals for a state division

br8kthru @weightwhat it's very exciting.

weightwhat @br8kthru - I'm smiling and nodding.

br8kthru @weightwhat only if exciting means you want to meditatively ponder constantly... :)

br8kthru @weightwhat or we're you trying to tell me that I'm boring you?

weightwhat @br8kthru - No, not boring. You just have the gift of enducing deep meditative pondering.



WinLiannefield Yuck. If you are an open-mouth chewer/smacker, PLEASE DO NOT sit next to me in a waiting room.

WinLiannefield Now he's licking his fingers. I die.

WinLiannefield I'm just waiting on him to hock a loogie.

WinLiannefield AND...the wait is over. Loogie has been hocked.

weightwhat @WinLiannefield - Too bad you're not single...

WinLiannefield A woman with a mullet keeps trying to talk to me. Run away!!!

weightwhat @WinLiannefield - Once again, too bad you're not single, huh?


So there you have it. The best of my tweets for the week. I know, you're gobsmacked. But get yourself pulled back together because there's more to see at the Twitter Ho-down over at Fellowship of the Traveling Smarty Pants. Go ahead and take a peek. You know you wanna...

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Life is Funny - Rock Lobster

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So, you think your life is funny? Do ya punk? Prove it. Join the carnival and sign up below. Make us laugh. Now.

Well, it's about a gazillion degrees here right now. Much to my dismay, this is only the beginning of the 5 day heat wave that they're predicting. I don't like hot. My brain gets all melty. And what did my melty brain come up with for a topic this week? Sunburn, of course.

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A little background on me. I grew up in Southern California, not terribly far from the beach. I have red hair and blue eyes. Do you know what comes with that combination? Fair skin. Now I'm not talking Snow White fair. That chick is tan compared to me. I'm talking pasty white. With freckles. I've burnt to blister more times than I like to remember. (And yes, I get yearly skin checks at the dermatologist.) I've even managed to burn the BOTTOM of my feet. Now that's saying something. Of course, all my friends were tan. All of them. They liked standing next to me because it made them look even darker. I always wanted to be tan...

Back when I was in junior high, one of my friends was having a pool party for her birthday. Fun, huh? Yeah. All my friends were slathering on baby oil so they could get even darker than they already were, and I was jealous. So, yeah, I grabbed the baby oil myself.

Anyone see where this is going?

I spent most of our pool time floating around on a raft under that bright California sun. I kept checking myself, but I didn't seem to be turning color at all. So I just continued to float around, sunning myself like everyone else.

Or not.

When I got home, I realized that I was fried. Lobsters everywhere were jealous of the deep red color of my skin. I probably could have toasted marshmallows with the heat coming off my skin. Well, part of my skin anyway. Did I mention that I didn't turn over the entire day? Oh yeah, bright red on the front of my body, ghostly white on the back. And a very clear line where the two colors met. I looked like a different person coming and going. It was not a good look on me.

But wait, there's more.

When in a situation like this, most would try to hide the two-toned skin under clothing, right? Yes, that would have been ideal. Except for one small problem. I was on a swim team at the time. I was forced to wear a swimsuit, in front of a lot of people, and show off the glory that was my skin. There was much pointing and laughing as I tried to get into the water as quickly as possible. Good thing I was in junior high at the time. Nothing is embarrassing in junior high, right?

Now it's your turn. Ready to play? Here's what you do.


1. Anytime this week, blog about what in life you find funny. It could be something that happened during the week, your general impression about why life is funny, or even just your favorite joke. Be creative!


2. Please put a link to my blog in your post. And I'd appreciate it if you'd add my carnival button (made for me by Andie - thanks so much Andie!) to your post. To make this easy, I've put the code to do so under my blog button on my sidebar to the right.


3. After you've posted, come back here and sign up on Mr. Linky below. For the first box, put your name and your blog (example: Wendy @ Weight...What?), then your URL in the second box. Make sure you link directly to your "Life is Funny" post (not to your main page) so we can all read what you have to say.


4. Visit all the other participants and see what they have to say, even if you don't have a blog of your own. And very important: Comment, comment, comment! Oh, how we love getting comments...


5. If you Twitter, please tweet about this - the more participants, the merrier! So go out and spread the laughter! I can't wait to see what everyone has to say!


Saturday, July 25, 2009

Got a hot date?

Time for some Saturday Silliness! This time it's the hot date edition. Boom chicka bow wow!

Okay, maybe not so much hot as pathetic and sad...

Come back tomorrow for the Life is Funny blog carnival! Don't worry. We won't judge you or your Sears catalog.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

And the tweet goes on...

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Don't you just love Fridays? No, not because it's the start of the weekend. It's the Twitter Ho-down over at Fellowship of the Traveling Smarty Pants! And if you tweet, you can join in, too! Yes, good things come to those who tweet.

So here's the Best of Wendy on Twitter for the week. You may want to sit down for this.

The one-liners

@ImAPennyPincher - Have I told you my motto? I may be cheap, but I'm not free.

@Helenatrandom - You're so today? Does that mean you're hip, happening and with it?

#failedwesterns The Good, The Bad And The Surgically Enhanced

#failedwesterns Billy The Cross-Dressing Kid

#failedwesterns Salsa Dances With Wolves

#failedwesterns How The West Was Lost In Overtime

#failedwesterns Does This Saddle Make My Butt Look Bigger?

@katdish - I'm a lemming. Now where is that cliff?

I'm going to hit the hay now. Hey, it hit me first!

Slow day on twitter, huh? Must be because I spent most of the day sleeping. I think I may have caused their stock to drop because of it.

@HeatherGill - Your life is probably funnier than you think. It's all a matter of how you look at it.

@HeatherGill - Okay, here's your warning. Don't have anything in your mouth when reading my blog. It won't go well for you.

Howdy folks! I should be looking for a shop to take my car to, but I was afraid that Twitter might go through withdrawls without me.

All I have to say is thank goodness for exhaust fans.

RT @tsholo_m RT @justinhartman: Brilliant: When you feel bored after eating KFC - http://gatorurl.com/i768dl

Fine. I'll just take my Barbies and go home. Oh, wait. I am home.

My dad saw Kenny Loggin's man parts when in a public restroom. #lameclaimtofame

Steve Perry cracked jokes with me for a while. #lameclaimtofame

My feet are bigger than most of the stars whose feet are implanted at Gromann's Chinese Theater. Including John Wayne's. #lameclaimtofame


My mom rode in an elevator with McDreamy. #lameclaimtofame

I was walking behind Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell in Hollywood. What was she doing with my boyfriend? #lameclaimtofame

br8kthru@weightwhat wow, you are full of great stories! You're like the real-life Forrest Gump (without the decreased mental capacity)

katdishMy sister lost on Wheel of Fortune, but got a year's supply of yeast #lameclaimtofame

weightwhat@katdish - Um, how unfortunate on both accounts? Oh! You mean the yeast you cook with. Nevermind.

@WinLiannefield One should never underestimate the importance of pants. Trust me on this one.

@Helenatrandom - We should go on a food world tour. Of course, we'll have to bring various sizes of pants with us...

@Helenatrandom - Really? My theme is whatever tickles my fancy. And who keeps tickling my fancy anyway? I'm not that kind of girl! Usually.

@Helenatrandom - Spreading the message of the glitter crotch to all who will listen. It's her calling.

I think I'll have a staring contest with @crazygidgetdog. #WhyIShouldNotBeLeftAloneOnTwitter

I win. Again. #WhyIShouldNotBeLeftAloneOnTwitter

And for my next trick... #WhyIShouldNotBeLeftAloneOnTwitter

Mmm... Frogurt... #WhyIShouldNotBeLeftAloneOnTwitter

I keep trying to tell myself jokes, but I never laugh. Must be because I already know the punchline. #WhyIShouldNotBeLeftAloneOnTwitter

A little bit longer ones

emptynestegg@weightwhat There is nothing at that hash tag. Guess you were alone.

weightwhat@emptynestegg - Yes. I wasn't kidding when I said it was my hash tag. I made it up a couple of weeks ago. It's all about me, you know.

emptynestegg@weightwhat well and the 57 other people in your head.

weightwhat@emptynestegg - Hey, that's not right! At least a dozen of them are on vacation right now.


Okay, really. Who is it in Dion-le-Mont, Brabant, Belgium that's following me? I know you're out there! Introduce yourself, huh?

It appears that Belgium isn't stepping forward. Oh Belgium, why must you torment me so?!

Again, Belgium? Really?


And the 'why don't you just post the whole conversation' ones


I was on People's Court. Jealous much? #lameclaimtofame

br8kthru@weightwhat were you really? Which judge was it?

weightwhat@br8kthru - The one, the only... Judge Wapner. Cranky old guy.

br8kthru@weightwhat nice- he was the best anyway!

weightwhat@br8kthru - That would be true. The bailiff was a kick! He kept cracking jokes during the breaks.

br8kthru@weightwhat so why were you there? (sorry I'm fascinated)

weightwhat@br8kthru - I was a witness on the "Hit and Run at the High School" trial. Yup, I was the good citizen that took down a license plate #.

br8kthru@weightwhat very cool. This whole time I've been hearing the music & the typewriter. What a good person you are!

weightwhat@br8kthru - The funny thing was that every time it re-aired, I'd get recognized when I was out. Freaky.

br8kthru@weightwhat I don't know- I think that's an awesome claim to fame- you should have it printed on business cards.

weightwhat@br8kthru - I thought about the cards, but then everyone would start asking for my autograph, mobs would form, papparazzi stalking, etc.

br8kthru@weightwhat that's true- you could try to go on a speaking tour, open some malls, etc. Capitalize on your fame...

weightwhat@br8kthru - That is true... Maybe I could hit the boat show circuit, too. Ooo! And some state fairs! Maybe I should re-think my position...

br8kthru@weightwhat I say milk it, baby, milk it for all it's worth!

br8kthru@weightwhat just so you know, I feel awkward now that I've called you "baby"...

weightwhat@br8kthru Want me to call you Twinkletoes to even it out?



I sold lemonade to Tom Hanks. #lameclaimtofame

WinLiannefield@weightwhat Explain the Tom Hanks lemonade thing, please. And you do have a lot of these claims!

weightwhat@WinLiannefield - I was working at Disneyland and it was just after "Splash" came out. He got in my lemonade line... Our eyes met...

WinLiannefield@weightwhat AND???

weightwhat@WinLiannefield - It was a short but torrid affair. In the end, he took my lemonade, but I took his money.

WinLiannefield@weightwhat I am surprised he has not made that into a movie. That is drama I would pay to see again and again. ::Wiping tears::

emptynestegg@weightwhat what happened to the Colonel ?

weightwhat@emptynestegg - This was before the Colonel. Although the Colonel to this day won't go see Tom Hanks movies...



Helenatrandom#failedwesterns Little Big Boy

@Helenatrandom - I can't believe you'd bring up Big Boy in front of me again like that...

@weightwhat You have The Colonel now....You need to move on and make a life with him.

@Helenatrandom - For the most part, I have. It's just that every time I see a double-decker hamburger or picnic print overalls...

@weightwhat At least the Colonel is a sharp dresser.

@Helenatrandom- Yes he is. I just wish he'd stop dripping mashed potatoes and gravy on his white suits. Do you know how hard it is to clean?

@weightwhat I can only imagine.

@Helenatrandom - And how many times do I have to tell him that the little black bow around his neck is NOT a napkin?

@weightwhat I never imagined being with a guy who wears more makeup than me--I only wear a little lipstick and nail polish

@Helenatrandom - He does wear it a bit on the heavy side, but I wasn't going to say anything...

@weightwhat Also...Ronald behaves like a clown...IN PUBLIC!

@Helenatrandom - So what first attracted you to him? Was it his abnormally large feet?

@weightwhat You know what they say about clowns with big shoes...

@Helenatrandom - Big feet?


PuriChristos - @CandySteele but if you hit a dead horse right it probably still moans

CandySteele@PuriChristos not if the hore is REALLY dead

CandySteele@PuriChristos HORSE, I MEANT HORSE

weightwhat@CandySteele - Did you just kill a hore?

PuriChristos@CandySteele how dead does the whore have to be b4 she stops moaning and how do you know this?

weightwhatAm I the only one that noticed @CandySteele killing a hore?

CandySteele@weightwhat um, Wendy, that was a HORSE but my S got stuck

weightwhat@CandySteele - You went to kill a hore but your ass got stuck?

PuriChristos@CandySteele oh I thought the w wasn't working

PuriChristos@weightwhat OMGoogle that was the funniest thing. @CandySteele I think you are making everyone twitter update again

PuriChristos@CandySteele Wow they are right when they say these kind of things escalate, a little hospital exhibitionism and now a mess of dead hores.

All good things must come to an end. Even the mediocre things must come to an end. So what I'm trying to say is that I'm done with the Twitter blog post for the week. Come back tomorrow for something completely different. Well, different than this post anyway. Thanks for coming!

Are you still here? I told you, I'm done. There's nothing left to see here. Move along.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

I take requests

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Strange things happen when I can't come up with a blog topic. This evening I decided to put out a request for topics to my Twitter friends. Yeah, it came down to the Taco Bell Chihuahua. In case you were wondering, I'll be making this up as I go along. I don't know that there's any real way to prepare for something like this...


This just in: The original Taco Bell Chihuahua died today. Looks like this post will be turning into an obituary. Lovely.


Oh Taco Bell Chihuahua, we hardly knew ye. Who knew that you were really a female dog named Gidget? It's an odd coincidence that my dog is named Gidget... Anyway, back to you, you cross-dressing doggie spokesperson. Your presence in television commercials back in the day made us want to run out and buy burritos, tacos and anything else you were pushing at us. Who could resist lines like, "¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!" and "Hey! Drop the chalupa!" Okay, truth be told, I was more likely to hit up Del Taco because I just like them better. But I was totally there for you when Taco Bell put out the talking Chihuahua replicas of you! Try as I might, I was only able to collect 2 of the 4 talking dogs. My life has never been fully complete since then. Sure, I could go on ebay and try to purchase the missing toys, but your sudden and untimely death is sure to put those out of my price range now. I may need to make a shrine out of the 2 dogs I have and the collection of hot sauce packets I've stolen over the years. I'll wipe my tears with the stack of Taco Bell napkins in the glove compartment of my car. I might even make a midnight run for the border. And it's all for you, you taquito-sized mascot of the late night munchies. I'll miss you!

Sources close to me (my 7 year old daughter who is standing right here) tell me that the following was the Taco Bell Chihuahua's favorite joke:

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver and cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me." The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?" "Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle,"I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says.... "Liver alone. Cheese mine."


Sunday, July 19, 2009

Life is Funny - Potty Talk

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It's a new week and time for more Life is Funny! Can it get any better than this? Get your story ready and join in below!

Okay, I'll admit it. I enjoy some potty humor once in a while. Maybe more than once in a while. Anyway, I just can't help myself this week. I'm going to share some potty humor with you. Now don't worry, I won't be asking you to pull my finger. Although...

My friend once told me about a shopping trip with her young son. She was in the, ahem, feminine products aisle trying to make her selection. Don't we always try to get out of that area as quickly as possible ladies? Anyway, while she was deciding on her purchase, a man walked into the aisle. Her sweet little boy looked up at the man and said, "My mommy puts those in her butt!" That sure sped up her decision making...

Once I was in a public restroom and there was a little girl in the stall next to me. She was singing a song about Johnny Appleseed as she was doing her business. Cute, huh? I almost fell of my toilet when the song started to get, well, strained. "Johnny Apuuuuuulllllseeeeeed!" I hope that everything came out okay in the end...

And last, but not least, was something a guy friend overheard in a public restroom. I was with a group of friends from church at a fast food restaurant when "J" excused himself to go to the bathroom. He returned shortly after, laughing so hard that he was crying. Of course, we all wanted to know what happened. He told us that he heard the guy in the stall next to him say, "Hey! When did I eat corn?" And yes, we all watched to see who came out of the bathroom next...

Now it's your turn. Ready to play? Here's what you do.


1. Anytime this week, blog about what in life you find funny. It could be something that happened during the week, your general impression about why life is funny, or even just your favorite joke. Be creative!


2. Please put a link to my blog in your post. And I'd appreciate it if you'd add my carnival button (made for me by Andie - thanks so much Andie!) to your post. To make this easy, I've put the code to do so under my blog button on my sidebar to the right.


3. After you've posted, come back here and sign up on Mr. Linky below. For the first box, put your name and your blog (example: Wendy @ Weight...What?), then your URL in the second box. Make sure you link directly to your "Life is Funny" post (not to your main page) so we can all read what you have to say.


4. Visit all the other participants and see what they have to say, even if you don't have a blog of your own. And very important: Comment, comment, comment! Oh, how we love getting comments...


5. If you Twitter, please tweet about this - the more participants, the merrier! So go out and spread the laughter! I can't wait to see what everyone has to say!


Saturday, July 18, 2009

It comes with a free Frogurt!

Today's Saturday Silliness is brought to you by the letter DOH! Okay, not really. But it is from my favorite Simpson's episode. I wish I could find the whole episode online, but no luck there. In the episode, Homer brings home a cursed Krusty the Clown doll for Bart. The doll then goes on an evil rampage and hilarity ensues. But my favorite line (which I must admit has worked it's way into many of my conversations) was, "Oh, here's your problem. You've got this thing set to 'evil'." Maybe you just had to see it... Anyway, enjoy the clip!

Don't forget to come back tomorrow and join in on the Life is Funny blog carnival! It's going to be completely potassium benzoate-free!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

I don't have a problem...

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There's a new blog carnival in town... It's the Twitter Ho-down over at Fellowship of the Traveling Smarty Pants! Why? Because it's time that even those not on Twitter get the chance to see our brilliance. And to lure you in. So without further ado, I give you this week's best of. And yes, I edited it down. A lot.

RT @Jerwa "Space. A frontier that several generations before us have explored, but they pretty much came up with bupkis."#1stdraftmovielines

@ofmercy - Really? I'm feeling like a brazil nut - odd and misunderstood.

What is this world coming to when people just can't be happy with cereal for dinner? And maybe lunch.

Because it just needs to be RT'd: @Helenatrandom "Everytime a dog farts an angel gets its wings." #1stdraftmovielines

@Helenatrandom - I think I may cross-stitch it onto a pillow.

"I am serious, and don't call me Penelope." #1stdraftmovielines

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing feet." #1stdraftmovielines

"Here's looking at you, middle-aged woman." #1stdraftmovielines

"I'll be back. Or not. My schedule is really full." #1stdraftmovielines

"Play it again, Liberace." #1stdraftmovielines

"Every man dies, not every man puts on tights and sings Cabaret." #1stdraftmovielines

"I'll get you my pretty! You and your little gerbil, too!" #1stdraftmovielines

"*click click click* There's no place like Twitter. There's no place like Twitter. There's no place like Twitter." #1stdraftmovielines

"Once upon a time, there was a stuffed bear named Winnie the Pooh. Huh huh. I said Pooh." #1stdraftmovielines

"Toto, I don't think we're in San Francisco anymore." #1stsdraftmovielines

Considering crocheting a doily out of belly button lint. #WhyIShouldNotBeLeftAloneOnTwitter

If you cross a Pit Bull and a Poodle do you get a Pitoodle? #WhyIShouldNotBeLeftAloneOnTwitter

@ImAPennyPincher - Unless your kids are saying, "Don't put that in your blog!", you're not living up to your full potential.

@heathergill - I admit to nothing.

@MistiPearl- But as always, I'm still waiting for a robot that brings me coffee to be invented. *sigh* Why can't technology keep up with me?

@Helenatrandom - And the cheese stands alone. Not to be confused with the headcheese which always stands alone.

@ofmercy - Now you have a better chance of keeping up. Unless @Helenatrandom and I start tag-teaming, of course.

@Helenatrandom - Yes, but my doily collar was crocheted out of my own bellybutton lint.

Every once in a while a seemingly normal person starts following me. I just have to ask - Why?

@ofmercy - Oh Jon honey, I wasn't talking about you...


@katdish - Hey, when the Twitter Ho senses are tingling, you've just gotta go with it.

@ofmercy - Oh, good. I thought we'd killed you off.

Oh! @Helenatrandom! I forgot to tell you that I saw a skanky man-ho the other day! Made me think of you. But not in that way.

@CandySteele - @Helenatrandom used antidisestablishmentarianism, paradox, modified, and juxtaposition in tweets!

@marni71 - Do I need to come over there and do a Prince intervention for you? Maybe exorcise a demon? Because really? Prince?

@marni71 - Out! OUT! Demons of Prince! I think we're gonna need a bucket of holy water.

@katdish - You missed so much today. @Helenatrandom and I were very busy keeping Twitter in business.

@marni71 - And our Twitter Ho status is secure.

@Helenatrandom - It's okay. I blacked out from the shock and when I came to, Twitter was back. Scariest 2 seconds of my life.

@CandySteele - You're not going to start wearing a flower pot on your head and calling yourself Trixie, are you?


@Helenatrandom - @katdish should be here. She's missing out on our awesomeness.

@PuriChristos - Don't sugar-coat it. How do you really feel about WalMart?

@ImAPennyPincher - Is there an occassion to attribute this debauchery to?

@PuriChristos - I think @katdish can be blamed for many people's descent into madness. It just seems that you had a headstart.

Ever get the urge to leave really silly comments on someone's blog just because everyone else is so serious? Inappropriateness is a gift.

Why am I up? Oh yeah. Twitter.


@katdish - Pathetic and sad, but social.

@katdish - You seem to bring out the oddest spiritual gifts in people...

I'm eating the last of my daughter's Froot Loops. She's not going to be happy with me tomorrow morning.

Doh! I've been caught with the cereal!

@marni71 - I told her that this part of the cereal was poison and I was saving her. I don't think she bought it.

Why, oh why, can't cowbell cure this fever?! Must need a bigger cowbell.


RT @badbanana - I'll be darned, that bag of chips did eat itself.

@Helenatrandom - Why are you always trying to put Bob's butt in other people's hands?

@redclaydiaries - Mommy, why are those lions wrestling?


Suddenly I'm feeling like I'll need to be especially brilliant this week. Or loopy. Whatever works.

@Helenatrandom - I think he'll be okay. He took stiletto lessons from Sherri.

@Helenatrandom - My motto is always check your zipper before leaving the bathroom. But that doesn't really help with pneumonia at all.

@PamperingBeki loves me because I keep her entertained. And make her shoot milk out her nose.

@ImAPennyPincher - Kind of like figuring out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Toosie Pop - the world may never know.

@marni71 - A topic... A topic... Okay, how about "Why I love Wendy and what makes her the greatest." Ready... GO!

Oh man! How can my dog live with herself?! Dog farts! AAAAA!!!

@Helenatrandom - Stop encouraging her! The angels should wait until my dog is outside to get their wings.

My dog has been giving angels their wings all day today.

@ImAPennyPincher - So which is it? Are you a pizza or a tart? We need to know these things.


@Helenatrandom - Okay. That would have driven me nuts. I know, short drive.

@ImAPennyPincher - You mean you aren't hanging on my every word? What's up with that?

@buzzbyannies - Don't you mean you love her like an evil step-sister?

@ImAPennyPincher - A bathing suit should never use less than 16 yards of fabric. Too scandalous otherwise.

@Helenatrandom - They call this modest? Her elbows are clearly visible!

@Helenatrandom - It's so hard being the only pure ones here on Twitter, isn't it?

@Helenatrandom - Do tell! I have a scandalous photo with the Colonel at a KFC in Thailand. Shh! Don't tell the other missionaries!

@katdish - Hey, the Colonel and I meant something to each other! If lovin' him is wrong, I don't wanna be right!

@Helenatrandom - Can I bring the Colonel? You can bring Ronald. We could double date.

@Helenatrandom - I don't think she should bring Big Boy. He was my first love and we had a nasty breakup. It could get ugly.

@ImAPennyPincher - I don't think the Colonel would like that. Burger King gives him nightmares. And the willies.

I just took "How long would you survive in a horror film?" and got: You're the first to die...!

@katdish - We live to entertain you. And to keep your husband from getting a good 8 hours.

@Helenatrandom - Oh Helen! You're just wicked! Who knew you were such a cheesy tart?

@katdish - We may or may not have been DMing about skanky ho's following us and plotting our revenge.

@katdish - A Twitter Ho's job is never done.

@RonWeasley. It's horcrux. Not whorecrux.

@HerbieGookins - We're always here for ya! Usually it's pushing you, but still, here just the same.

@Helenatrandom - BWAHAHAHA!

@katdish - Sparkly vampires don't need sleep.

@HeatherGill - Good thing you're watching it for me... I can only handle so much Grease 2 before getting over(under)whelmed.

@PuriChristos - No, you're not offensive or in need of supervision. You're just incorrigible.

@HerbieGookins - And you don't even have to dress up to go there like you do when going to WalMart.

@HerbieGookins - Yes, you can't forget the bra snacks. You'll need your energy for all the shopping you'll do.

@ofmercy - I'm thinking it's more of an outlet for our insanity than discipline.

@HerbieGookins - Good luck. And if the shovel fails, there's always napalm.

@HeatherGill - Mmm...Jello...

@HeatherGill - Are you typing with your nose again?

@ofmercy - Oh Jon. Have we corrupted you to the point that you actually enjoy us now? :oD

@katdish - Basically @marni71 is a big ol' loser for not reading and/or seeing Harry Potter books/movies. Good thing she's cute.

@katdish - Twitter. It's not just a job, it's an adventure!

@ImAPennyPincher - I love Waffle House, but not when it includes Death (aka Florida).

@PuriChristos - You may need to head to Walmart then since you're so dressed up.

@katdish - Did you lure him/her there with the promise of all the candy (s)he could eat?

I'm so hungry! Sometimes a bowl of cereal just won't do. Sometimes you just need to put a breakfast buffet place out of business.

Well that's something you don't see every day. I've got a former American Gladiator following me.

RT @Helenatrandom - @weightwhat I have my period. I've drank two glasses of scotch and honey... Give the news to me straight...

@Helenatrandom - Uh-oh! Helen's been drinking again! Good thing she loves Jesus.

Okay, that's more than enough for one week. Did you make it all the way through without your eyeballs melting? Now if you're really a glutton for punishment, why not check out the Life is Funny Blog Carnival? Don't worry, it's not nearly this long. Or odd.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Ooo! Sparkly!

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It's time for more What I Learned This Week over at Musings of a Housewife. What did you learn this week?

This week I learned so much...about sparkly vampires.


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First, a little background. My husband has always been a lover of all things vampire and/or zombie. That's to say that he was, until the sparkly vampires came along. You know what I'm talking about. Twilight. Vampires and adolescent hormones. My husband's worst nightmare. Now just bring out some touchy-feely zombies and his misery will be complete.

So the Twilight craze is going gangbusters, but I had yet to read any of the books. I have to admit that part of the reason I hadn't read them is because I'd feel like I was cheating on Harry. You know, Potter. I love Harry. But my bloggy friends can be very persuasive (read: pushy) so I decided I'd look into checking the book out from the library. I thought I'd have to wait forever to get a copy, but one became available less than a week after I requested it. So I brought it home.

And my husband's head exploded.

Okay, not really. But he has been eyeing me suspiciously since I started reading it. Hey, if he can be a scary vampire, I can be a sparkly one. So I read. I have to say that it was pretty good, too. Oh, I'm not saying it compares to Harry. But still, pretty good. I think I like sparkly vampires. I finished reading book 1 this morning then went online to my library's website to put a request in for book 2...

There are 75 people ahead of me on the waiting list.

I'm not that patient a person. I was left with no choice but to go buy New Moon. I think there are forces conspiring against me much in the way that a drug pusher would. Here - read the first book. It's easy to get. You'll like it... Then I get sucked (vampire reference duly noted) into it and BAM! I can't get the next one so easily. But they've got me. They know they do. And I have to buy more to support my habit. They're just evil that way. And not even in a sparkly way.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have sparkly vampires to tend to.

Still here? Then how about checking out the Life is Funny blog carnival? No sparkly vampires, but there is a cute little redhead with a sparkling personality.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Life is Funny - What's a boven?

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I know, I know. You've been waiting all week. But not to worry, the wait is over. Yes, it's time for the Life is Funny blog carnival! Try not to get too excited.

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When my daughter was younger, she had some trouble saying different words. Okay, truth be told, she still has trouble saying "hospital." She says "hospible." I love that about her. For the most part, I haven't corrected her when she says something incorrectly. It's just too cute and I know that she'll figure it out on her own eventually.

There was one word in particular that really tickled me. Instead of "oven," she'd say "boven." Oddly enough, boven came up often in conversation. For some reason, my husband decided he needed to get in on this one and try to teach her the correct pronunciation of oven. The conversation went something like this:

Him - You're saying it wrong. It's "oven."

Her - "Boven."

Him - No, "oven."

Her - I can't say it right.

Him - Can't say what right?

Her - I can't say "oven." I can only say "boven."

We had a good long laugh over that one. I don't think she really understood why, either. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to make sure that dinner isn't burning in the boven.

(Psst! There's going to be a new blog carnival this Friday over at Fellowship of the Traveling Smarty Pants! Twitterer's: Get ready!)

Now it's your turn. Ready to play? Here's what you do.


1. Anytime this week, blog about what in life you find funny. It could be something that happened during the week, your general impression about why life is funny, or even just your favorite joke. Be creative!


2. Please put a link to my blog in your post. And I'd appreciate it if you'd add my carnival button (made for me by Andie - thanks so much Andie!) to your post. To make this easy, I've put the code to do so under my blog button on my sidebar to the right.


3. After you've posted, come back here and sign up on Mr. Linky below. For the first box, put your name and your blog (example: Wendy @ Weight...What?), then your URL in the second box. Make sure you link directly to your "Life is Funny" post (not to your main page) so we can all read what you have to say.


4. Visit all the other participants and see what they have to say, even if you don't have a blog of your own. And very important: Comment, comment, comment! Oh, how we love getting comments...


5. If you Twitter, please tweet about this - the more participants, the merrier! So go out and spread the laughter! I can't wait to see what everyone has to say!


Saturday, July 11, 2009

Mmm... Biscuits and gravy...

Ready for some Saturday Silliness? How about some biscuits and gravy to go with it?

I love biscuits and gravy. I inherited that one from my dad. My family's search for good biscuits and gravy is legendary. We had some friends that used to live a good distance from us that we liked to go visit, not just because we liked them, but because there was a truck stop in Bakersfield called Zingo's that had amazing biscuits and gravy that we'd always stop at along the way. Now that I'm up in Washington I have to say that my search has been a sad one. Though we've found one restaurant that's passable, most restaurants should be stormed with pitchforks and torches for calling what they serve "biscuits and gravy." So I've decided I need to go to the restaurant Tim Hawkins goes to because I just need to try their biscuits and gravy. And I won't bring my mom with me.

C'mon back tomorrow for the Life is Funny blog carnival! Just don't expect me to share my biscuits and gravy once you get there.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Are bra snacks kosher?

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Oh, how I love my statcounter! Well, most of the time anyway. I don't have many kind words for it when no one is stopping by my blog. But the one thing that always tickles me is the "Recent Keyword Activity" - what people have Googled to get to my site. I posted about this once before and I figured it was about time to do it again. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Bring on the crazy!

do grapes go bad; do raisins go bad; Advertisement "What? Raisins!"; "raisin picking"

Apparently I am the go-to person when it comes to all things grape and/or raisin. I get this search ALL. THE. TIME. So once again for those who missed it, raisins are always bad.

first snowflake freakout lady

Another biggie here. Even now that it's summer. Blog about a popular commercial and they will come.

dirty belly button kids; bellybutton cheese; odd things in my bellybutton; "chees bellybutton"; Can I put stuff in my belly button; they're in my belly; look at all bellybutton

Much like the whole raisin/grape issue, belly buttons are also an area of expertise for me. It's a gift.

African Anteater Ritual; What do anteaters weigh; African ritual; what are anteaters weight

Will the depth of my knowledge never cease to amaze you? I'm all about the African Anteater.

Krazy glue on skin and teeth; Krazy Glue Alternatives; stronger than crazy glue

Krazy glue on your teeth? Really? How would you explain that one?

Wendy weight

None of your business! Hmph!

bubble butts; bubblebutts; bubbles buuts; How to make target butts

Bubbles buuts? Is that even bigger than a bubble butt? And Sherri? I'm not talking about you this time either.

sprayers who spray shutters

Insert nervous twitch here.

burnt offerings joke

Clearly my grilling skills are legendary.

it's supposed not to be looked like that

Huh?

Mr. Linky broken

Wow, sounds like a personal problem...

funny writing about Walmart

I'm guessing there was a lot to choose from on this one. Walmart is a funny place...

mushy gushy

This one came from Japan. I just love saying mushy gushy.

dog clucking

Of course that would bring you to my blog. Makes perfect sense.

"think like Mr. Gopher"; I'm alright gofer

Has Bill Murray been trying to find me again?

wight funny storys with misster wight

Yeah, I have no idea. But I googled it just now and my blog is the first to come up. I'm number 1! Woo-hoo!

parenting

This one came from Pakistan. Am I screwing up Pakistani kids now? *snort* Also see here, here, here, and here.

rack release thumb screw; the pleasure of the torture rack

Uh, yeah.

Okay, okay. I'll stop. But there's more. Lots more. Why? Because crazy people use Google, too. I love that about crazy people.

Now how about heading over to the Life is Funny blog carnival? No Googling required.

Monday, July 6, 2009

In the shallow end of the pool

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Ready or not, here it comes! It's time for What I Learned This Week over at Musings of a Housewife. So, what did you learn this week?

"There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who like Neil Diamond and those who don't." (Bill Murray, What About Bob)

So true, so true. But for this blog's purposes, I'll be adding a sub-category. Those who are deep thinkers and those who are not.

There are some bloggers who are amazing wordsmiths that find depth and meaning in what would otherwise be a mundane event. Take Billy Coffey's blog for example. The guy can pull meaning out of anything and do it in a way that will leave you in awe. If you haven't read his blog before, you really should. Really deep stuff.

Then there are those who are more along the lines of Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey. Funny, but definitely in the shallow end of the pool.

If you've ever read my blog before, you know where I fall.

This is not to say that I'm not an intelligent person. Actually, I'm quite bright. I just don't think or write in a deep and meaningful way. That's not who I am. And I've been learning that that's okay.

Alright, I'll admit that I'm incredibly a bit jealous of the deep swimmers. They have an amazing gift that I admire. But God gave me a gift, too - the gift of finding the laughter in everyday events. It's not a gift for the faint of heart. Nope. Because with that gift comes the added bonus of a lot of potentially embarrassing situations for you to find the funny in, also known as excellent blog fodder. So that's what I get to share with you here - the lighter side of life. I think it makes for a nice balance, don't you? C'mon in. The wading pool is fine.

Want more of the lighter side? Check out the Life is Funny blog carnival. Arm floaties are not required.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Life is Funny y'all

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I've been racking my brain all weekend trying to come up with a funny story for the blog carnival this week. Yeah, I've got nothing. But will that stop me from posting? Of course not. Don't let it stop you from jumping on the carnival train either. If it's funny, we want to hear about it! I decided to go into my email vault and pull something out for you. Something silly. Something that, being married to a Southerner, seems oddly true...

Important tips for Northerner's moving South

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba." You have a 75% chance of being right.

3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.

10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

11. People walk slower here.

12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy." Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.

16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

24. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

25. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

Now it's your turn. Ready to play? Here's what you do.


1. Anytime this week, blog about what in life you find funny. It could be something that happened during the week, your general impression about why life is funny, or even just your favorite joke. Be creative!


2. Please put a link to my blog in your post. And I'd appreciate it if you'd add my carnival button (made for me by Andie - thanks so much Andie!) to your post. To make this easy, I've put the code to do so under my blog button on my sidebar to the right.


3. After you've posted, come back here and sign up on Mr. Linky below. For the first box, put your name and your blog (example: Wendy @ Weight...What?), then your URL in the second box. Make sure you link directly to your "Life is Funny" post (not to your main page) so we can all read what you have to say.


4. Visit all the other participants and see what they have to say, even if you don't have a blog of your own. And very important: Comment, comment, comment! Oh, how we love getting comments...


5. If you Twitter, please tweet about this - the more participants, the merrier! So go out and spread the laughter! I can't wait to see what everyone has to say!